Speaking Out on Nate

Hello, I am your Research Monkey.  Today is my last day as simian in charge.  Thank deity as this is harder work than answering questions about my boss, which have been rather sparse lately.  I should check into that.  My boss has informed me that the blog will return to “normal” tomorrow with Lunch with John, a Story from Stroud, and Carsome, an erotic story.  Today, I present to you a rather long post from 2011.  Actually it is a combination of three ramblings over three days; Well It is A Kmart, Stepford MI USA and Short Break.  While my boss may object, I feel some background is in order.  He and his family were in a very bad living situation when they had to take a short break away for his re-college orientation.  He wrote these ramblings during that time.  When they got back their living situation got much, much worse before it got better.  These ramblings, this trip that he writes about, was the only ray of sunshine for close to a year for them.  Plus, it gives you some background on where they live now, much happier I must say.  Enjoy.

Well It is A Kmart, Stepford MI USA and Short Break

“I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

-N. Richmond

For those of you who are not reading the rambling you wouldn’t know that we had a three day trip to Big Rapids planned and are now finishing up day 1.  Of course since you don’t read the rambling the first sentence was pretty damn stupid, but for history’s sake I felt it necessary so that when you who do not read the ramblings do read the ramblings you will see that I did notice or at least make note.

So the trip started off the night before when we packed up the car, hide the Xbox (I don’t trust anyone in that fucking house) and most of the participants got some sleep.  This morning as soon as Barb walked in, the kids were woken and we took off without so much as a “goodbye,” in fact if I remember it right I shouted to the kids as they were about to say something to Barb’s mom, “Lets go rodents” and they followed. **

I didn’t take any photos of me driving but I drove the whole way here.  It was a big deal.  Our trip was supposed to be marked by a couple of stops dictated by the children and Denny’s.  We had a specific Denny’s that we wanted to stop at and without much ado totally forgot where it was until we were at another Denny’s that we thought was the one we wanted.  It didn’t matter one Denny’s is like another and thus an hour later sans the shits (see Jessica multiple Denny’s visits and no shits) we were back on the road with a much shorter post Denny’s visit than “planned.”

We planned for barfing, expecting it from Donovan, so imagine our surprise when the barfing happened on que, but from Kaylee.  It was unexpected.  However, one puke bucket will work for anyone and thus we were prepared.

The trip up here aside from the above was uneventful.  What wasn’t uneventful was the trees, valleys and just the view.  If you have ever traveled up north in Michigan than you know what I am talking about.  It was without any elaboration, beautiful.  Just seeing the terrain brightened all of our moods.

Of course the further you get away from your problems the smaller they seem anyways and by the time we pulled into Big Rapids we were all feeling pretty damn good about ourselves.  Big Rapids is a small town, but it has many of the bigger town things, like fast food, big box stores and the like, but it is all surrounded by trees and trees and more trees.  The part of town we drove thru, which we found out later was not the center of town, still looked like small town anywhere USA, just with a lot more traffic.

Since we were early for check-in we decided to show Donovan his school.  Now being upfront I was not looking forward to this part.  For one since we sent in the application we had not heard a thing from them.  Another thing that bothered me was that the google street view made this place look like a rehabbed prison or mental institution*.  To say I had bad “vibes” is an understatement.  However…upon walking in we were greeted nicely, found out he was enrolled, even given a tour and discovered that with the exception of the shirts having to be embroidered with the school name the place was just like New Bedford, hell even smaller class sizes.  Am I still worried…a little, but most of my “issues” have been put to rest.

With some more time on our hands we drove past where we are supposed to be living for the next four years.  It looks like I expected.  Buildings to close together, kinda dingy look, well hells bells if you have been around college housing before then you know what I am talking about.  Again, it looks right, but something is off enough for me to wonder…however, if nothing else the place should be clean and it is literally within walking distance of just about everything.

Finally we checked in and the kids were geeked with the giant beds and TV…always the fucking TV.  They jumped and bounced while we got our shit in gear.  First order of business was to go eat at Bennigan’s.  Not going to lie next to bisquits and gravy at Denny’s the Monte Cristo sandwich is something that we were looking forward to.  Huge sandwich, so big that when they split it in two we asked if we had accidentally ordered two sandwiches.

Post lunch/dinner was a first SWIMMING.  Both of us feel that the kids knowing how to swim is as important as knowing how to drive, but until today we never had the chance.  Plus, since we had bought suits for all of us they were not going to waste.  The kids were excited, we were excited and down to the pool we went…bet you were expecting something like “but the pool was closed.”  Nope, we started teaching the kids how to swim.  If Donovan hadn’t started turning blue we might have stayed in the pool even longer, but as it was Kaylee is a natural and Donovan is a natural sinker.  He likes being underwater and Kaylee likes staying above it.  Hope that is not a future life prediction in there.   They had fun.  So much that we decided that getting them kick boards would be a good idea.

Thus we end up at the local Kmart, just across the street by the way, where much to our delight we discover that one Kmart is like another.  Everything was where it would be in the Kmart we shop at now.  Twenty minutes later the kids have kick boards, Barb has an ankle wrap and I have two giant pseudo-pixie stixs.

We weren’t even back 20 minutes before they wanted to go back down to the pool.  This trip was shorter because they were tired, but there were obvious signs of progress.  Speaking of progress Kaylee, knock on wood, has decided that using the toilet is a good thing is going non-stop.

Another trip to Bennigan’s for ice cream and now here I sit in the dark alone.  The other three are sound asleep.  It’s 10:30 pm and orientation is tomorrow and yet for some odd reason I can’t shake that “other shoe vibe.”  I’m probably being Scorpio paranoid, but nothing has gone wrong yet or at least nothing that I can see and that bothers me.  It is rare when something goes right without something else going wrong.  It could be that this is really where we need and want to be.  It could be that everything will actually work out as we have worked our butts off to make, but and it bugs me that I am writing this…something just seems a bit “off.”

“If you aren’t a Scorpio then you won’t understand.  It’s just how we are.”

-N. Richmond

* The school is an old style multi-story school building that is being rehabbed/furnished into a more modern looking institution.

** I should mention that the whole day we have been sending photos and texts to Jessica who despite being a BUTTHEAD has been a real trooper putting up with our antics.

“I’m enjoying watching you freak out.”

-B. Richmond

I don’t know if what I am going to talk about really is that “vibe” I was talking about, but Barb sure as hell enjoyed watching my reactions.

This place is nice.  I mean nice.  Ever seen that movie where the nice couple stops in a small town and everyone is really really nice and then BLAMO the guy has his head cut off and the woman is running thru the woods in a flimsy shirt screaming her head off?  Well that is this place…if you are ME or a Scorpio.

We have yet to meet a mean or nasty person.  Some indifferent, but nobody has been like they are in Toledo, Ann Arbor, Bedford or any place else that we have recently lived.   In fact, not since my trip out to Montana have I ever meet so many nice people.  I have asked them why they are so nice or if everyone is like that and the answer, while it varies in exact reasons, but is always nice, if not slightly baffled as to why I would ask in the first place is “that is how it is around here, with a small town you have to be nice to keep everyone here and happy” or some variation on the above.

When they find out that we are moving into town, they are happy and tell us about everything and let us know that if we need to know anything to ask THEM.  Them as in that person specifically.  We met the owner of the local Kilwins who told us about the schools and to call her if we needed anything.  Another person told us about the schools.  Another about parks.  Another about the museum on campus.  Another about various places to eat that were not fast food.  Walking down the street the people who lived here smiled and said hi or hello.  Those that were from out of town walked with eyes forward and were indifferent.

Orientation.  I’m not going lie, most of it was a waste for us.  We have been to college.  We are old enough to know to obey the rules.  Old enough to know how to not be a fuck up (not 100% successful yet).  Old enough to know that I have to pay my bills, go to class, not do drugs, drink, fuck any strangers or at least not fuck any strangers without protection.  Seriously, that was what we had to listen to from of all people the head of the communications department who couldn’t carry a wet paper bag let alone carry the attention of a captive audience.

We were there to see the campus and it is very nice by the way; a mix of old and new in a good way not a “cover up the old with the new way.”  We were there for me to get my classes.  That was where the whole orientation went off the rails.  Prior to that we were the most organized and prepared of anyone there, we were told that a couple of times.  So prepared were we that we had time to make jokes with some people, the kids were well loved and behaved (Donovan got a shirt for walking in with me and candy for being…well being Donovan) and being so prepared allowed Barb to get her student ID and student banking information taken care of and she wasn’t supposed to have that done until her orientation in August.

So I get to class registration, after explaining numerous times that my wife and kids WERE coming along regardless of why (I needed her there initially because of her schedule and then for moral support-see below); three different people tried to keep them from coming.  I had a copy of Barb’s schedule so that I could work my schedule around hers.  It was restrictive, but not so restrictive that it should’ve been difficult.  First, turns out I was the ONLY English major, in fact the English Department lady and one other faculty member referred to me as “Her English Student.”  Next, being proactive, they scheduled me for a class without knowing my schedule which of course I had to drop.  Then due to Barb’s schedule and my late registration ALL and I am not kidding ALL of the classes I wanted or even thought I wanted were filled.  Then when I said I had a minor in mind and they got excited because that they might be able to get me started on…well it turns out the minor may be being dropped, but they weren’t sure because some of the classes were available, just not the ones I qualified for.

Next came math, I’m not going to lie math is not my strong suit so I was prepared to take an entry level course, but no they had me signed up for a regular course, but didn’t check to see if I qualified for it.  That leads to the math faculty man AND the math department head sitting on either side of me without introducing themselves and talking thru me about what my options were.  Nothing stops a conversation dead like the following, “I’m sorry, but who ARE you two?”  The faculty guy stopped dead and the department head gave me this quizzical look that said, “Nobody has EVER said that to me before.”  However, I persisted, if these people were going to help me I wanted to know who they were.  Suffice to say I got the just above entry level math course that fit my schedule.

After an hour I had two classes (math and public speaking), EVERYONE else was gone.  Leaving me with a room full of faculty and that was when the beauty happened.  One of them sat down with me and for the next TWO HOURS worked with me and Barb (who by now recognizing that I was either going to walk out or fight my way out sat nearby) to get me two more classes that both fit my schedule and my degree in one way or another.  An orientation leader even stayed behind to play with the kids while we worked on the schedule, and offered to walk us to our car instead of getting lunch with the other leaders. –Barb  At various points the other faculty members would stop by and offer their two cents on a class or professor.  It could’ve been a disaster, for example at EMU they let you do your own thing and didn’t give a shit.  At UT it was the same way.  Here they did one of the things that they talked about in orientation, they said that they were there to ENSURE that we not only got the best start possible, but to keep us on the path to graduation every step of the way, we just had to take advantage of it.   When we walked out I was enrolled in a history, literature, speech and math course with an option for a physical fitness class.

The final word was that next semester my status will be upgraded and I will be able to register earlier than now and that alone will make it an easier process from now on.

After orientation we wandered around the campus, got brunch and then decided to explore town, some of which was described above.  Here are some highlights of what we saw.  Just about everywhere you look some out in the open, some slightly hidden (not to keep out of sight, but placed in clever locations) are large bulldog statues each one painted in a different way.  We saw football, lumberjack, banker, cheerleader and store advertising versions of the bulldog.  We saw a Ponderosa restaurant that was open for business (we thought ALL of them in MI & OH were closed).  We saw the only Asian Fine Dining & Sport Bar (yes Sport as in singular).  We saw an Amish teenager plowing a field with a horse drawn plow; I had only seen that on TV.  We saw an entire street of modern fast-food restaurants and there wasn’t a single one left out and we saw several other streets with local restaurants and diners.  Sure there isn’t a Target or Toys R Us, but there is a Meijers, Walmart and other places to take their place.  It’s hard to describe because talking about one almost seems to invalidate the presence of the other after all how can you have a 24 hour Coney right across the street from McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Burger King and a KFC/Long John Silver’s combo?  It’s here and more like it.

The big downside so far is that there isn’t bookstore that isn’t school or religious related, the lack of a fish market (haven’t found it yet) and a major toy store, but those are just reasons to pack up and go visit Grand Rapids.

“Of course there is no butcher’s here, they eat people.”

-N. Richmond (later we found the butchers 40 pounds of meat for $120)

“Wow.”

-Clan Richmond

It is the start of the last evening of our stay here in Big Rapids.  We are all happy.  Donovan has not coughed or had an asthma attack since we left.  Kaylee has been bouncing and hopping everywhere.  Barb has been relaxed, smiling and not cranky.  I have smiled, smiled a lot.  Sure I’m not in any of the photos, but that is because I don’t let myself be voluntarily caught on film as I do not want my soul stolen from me.  However, for those of you who are interested I posted 30+ photos from our stay.  There are more, being saved for later.  I am positive that those pictures will be what will keep us going once we get back.

We spent the last day at a giant park or what turned out to be a series of linked parks.  The kids played on what I can only describe as the largest wooden playset I have ever seen.  It was moving to find out that it was built through the combined efforts of the town folk and local businesses.  We walked along the bike path just soaking in the nature and beauty of the whole place.  The bridge over the Muskegon River was right over a section of rapids, so there are rapids in Big Rapids.  A bus load of people started riding tubes down the river.  It was very surreal given that I haven’t seen much of this in a long time.

From the park we went back in town to get a pound and a half of jelly bellys.  The guy behind the counter at Kilwins recognized us and wished us well.  He also said that he was looking forward to seeing us when we moved into town.  While we were photographing the dog statues, we bumped into a woman from the Toledo area who was also photographing the dogs.  Even she was cool.  We talked for a while and then went our separate ways.

We came back to the hotel to rest, swim, eat and sleep.  Our last meal, thanks to the drunks, cost us a $1.16, not including tip.  We swam for a little while.  Kaylee is making real progress swimming and Donovan is making progress staying underwater.  After all of that it was oohing and ahhing over the sunset view from our hotel room.

I could wax poetic over everything we have seen and experienced.  I won’t.  For one, we will be here for a minimum of four years, probably more, so we will most likely meet an asshole or two.  For another, part of our enrapture is because it is such a contrast to the last 9 months.  I’m not going to say that we aren’t very happy with Big Rapids.  I’m not going to say what we saw wasn’t real, even though at times it seemed that way to me.

I am going to say that this feels like one of those “moments;” a moment where it feels right.

Tomorrow we pack up and head back.  There is a planned stop at Tony’s and then back to Toledo for a short 50 day break.  I don’t think it will matter if anything happens when we get back or while we are wrapping up our stay because we have seen the end of the rainbow and it is nice.

“I blew out my butt, mom.”

-K. Richmond

Hello, I am your Research Monkey.  The boss just called me about “slacking off.” I will spare you the rest of the conversation.  Suffice to say here is a much longer rambling from 2009.  Welcome to Mind Head was the 3rd anniversary rambling sent out to everyone he could think of.  Unfortunately Word Press was unable to hand all of the graphics, photos and everything else visual that my boss did which means you are left with the text.  I have included a link to the PDF version of the rambling that does have all of the WOW at the end of the post.  Welcome to Mind Head was one of the more well received ramblings.  Enjoy.

 (END OF THE YEAR SUPER DELUXE RAMBLING)

“Hopefully you have all your limbs by the time you get down.”

-S. White

Happy Premise Number One: Don’t eat cheese before noon.

Happy Premise Number Two: Sticking feathers up your butt doesn’t make you a chicken.

Happy Premise Number Three: Pirates make me happy.

Welcome to the End of the Year Super Deluxe Rambling and if you are reading this and NOT a regular, it is because for whatever my reasons I have sent it to you directly.  This is not the “normal” rambling for the end of the year.  This year I asked for input and I got some, funny thing was that it wasn’t nearly as consistent as I thought it would be.  Then again give a group of six people ten things to vote on odds are each will choose something different.  Thus with the preamble out of the way let’s get on with the END OF THE YEAR SUPER DELUXE RAMBLING.

Starting off with the easiest and thus shortest categories I present:

TOP 10 Wii RELATED INJURIES OF THE YEAR 

If this had been asked last year I could’ve filled this category right up from the Donovan’s Skull meets Dad’s Golf Swing to Three Hour Bowling Shoulder, unfortunately for the asker there was only one Wii Related Injury, although it was a big injury.  Late in January while playing a marathon session of Shaun White’s World Tour with Barb, I was on the snowboard (balance board for the uninformed) making my way down a half-pipe in Switzerland jamming to Stabbing Westward performing tricks.   Near the end of the run I was in the groove to say the least and was pulling off tricks that only Shaun White can do, thank deity for video game physics, however I also realized that with the last bit of pipe to work with I had to do something truly awesome to win the level.  Thus chaining an Indian 720 with a Melon 720 and sticking the landing over the finish line, I not only beat the level, HIGH FIVES all around, but unlocked Shaun White himself.  It was the next day that my ankle malfunctioned. After a trip to the doctors where a kindly nurse forced me to see a doctor, I wasn’t even there to see a doctor, it was revealed that I had severe tendonitis.  This lead to drugs, a cane, an ankle brace, the loss of two weeks and many other issues which have lasted to this day.  Fuck it was awesome!

Now we take a brief moment to take a question from the audience…speak up…oh…well that is an interesting question and not necessarily one that I would’ve asked of me, but since you asked…after much pondering and I do mean since the moment I read the question I pondered it.  Unfortunately I don’t remember the first rant that I ever heard that didn’t involve my mother or grandmother.  For me most of my childhood is inaccessible.  Thus, moving forward the first rant, which by the way, is not what my ramblings are (minor point of contention with me…shit am I ranting now or rambling), that I can remember is Dennis Leary in Demolition Man.  Granted his rants are shit!  In the same vein as George Carlin was shit.

And now for

TOP 10 WORST/BEST of the YEAR

Starting off with the 10 spot we begin our journey through the year…enjoy the ride…barf bags under your seat.

#10th Worst: Fuel Door

Lets start off with something both small and stupid.  How many of you have a car?  Good enough of you to follow along.  How many of you put gas in your car?  Good more than enough to get the gist.  On Honda Civics the gas cap is hidden behind a cleverly designed and disguised door called…the FUEL DOOR. To open the fuel door you pull a lever, after X pulls (a truly unknown, but highly theorized amount), a small plastic piece breaks leaving you unable to open the fuel door.  In order to open the door you either take your car into the shop or you go online and discover that there is a whole world of websites devoted only to the fuel door of the Honda Civic because as most of them put it, the fuel door will break on your Civic.  To re-open the door you have to go through the trunk and pull on the cord which leaves the door open all of the time.  As Barb will tell you there is nothing more annoying that getting told at least once per day “Hey did you know that your fuel door is open?”  Barb stopped trying to explain it after the second day.  There is a “home” fix, a $20 plastic part.

10-Best: Courtesy Officer

It started as a joke and ended as a joke with a punch line.  Due to my frequent walks around the complex at night I became the Courtesy Officer supposedly keeping tabs on all of the residents or at least their cars, comings and goings. Then I got the key to the laundry room because it is next door to us and idiots don’t understand what open 9 to 9 means; they do now.  Then Donovan likes to visit with Todd so I am seen a lot with Todd.  So he decides to tell any problem residents and ALL new residents that I am the Courtesy Officer or security.  All of this leads to a talks about putting me on the payroll, never materialized, T-shirts, again never materialized, fake parking citations which were damn funny and all of the residents waving or nodding at me by the end of summer.  Some people even really believed that I was security. Residents would head indoors as soon as they saw me or Barb and I walking.  My favorite was the biker guy that moved in with a couple of his biker buddies; really “bad” looking guys who every time they saw me would bolt indoors or if in their cars drive away fast.

#9 Best & Worst: Naked in Life (warning for Mature audiences only)

The first of the best isn’t that small, but it went pretty much unnoticed by anyone not involved.  This year was the wrap up year of a huge and I do mean huge project for me.  I have been working on a nude, go ahead call it artsy, black and white photo-book of women that I know.  As Barb put it this has consumed about 10 months of time around here.   Out of the two years, this year was the most fun, exciting and closest to completion than before.  Each of the women got involved on multiple levels, although it did take some pulling of teeth, but in the end the results were awesome.  A lot of fun was had and some damn interesting photos, much better than the first photos of them staring down the camera.  Unfortunately life got in the way and the book has been pushed back for a bit, but I promise it will see the light of day soon, hopefully in 2010 once the shit storm slows down.

So you might be asking yourself how something that made the Best list could also make the worst list…well you had to be there.  For all of the fun that was had there was an awful lot of work, negotiation, compromise and the occasional hurt feelings.  In addition, there was all of the food, drink and this lead to the exploding Merlot that still stains the ceiling, a camera that ate batteries like they were going out of style and the occasional post photo-shoot mess; cake frosting, baby oil and balloons do not mix even if it looks cool as all hell in photos.   That is how it makes it onto the worst list for the year.  Do I think everything was worth it, yes, but would I have liked it to be easier, yes.

ATE Worst: POPCORN UP THE NOSE

We still don’t know what possessed the boy to shove popcorn kernels up his nose, but he did.  A slap on the back dislodged one, but the second one remained stubbornly up there.  After doing what every good parent does did some internet research.  This of course did what it is supposed to do freak me out.  No, I didn’t try to stick his head in the microwave to pop the kernel, but it was a thought after reading all of the horrible things that could happen ranging from it falls out on the way to the doctor’s to an infection that eats away his nose and face…which by the way is what I think happened to Michael Jackson.  Not too many plastic surgeries, but a late night popcorn kernel up the nose that turned into an infection, ate his nose away and then the plastic surgery.  Oh, by the way, the next day he went to the doctors and no kernel to be found.  Despite a lengthy search it still hasn’t been found in the apartment…I still wake up at night from strange dreams of the kernel waiting in the dark for a nostril to climb up into.

Eighth Best: First Year of the Lego

The Chinese name each year after an animal in their zodiac and it works…well for those that believe.  We are starting to develop our own zodiac around here and this year is the 1^st year of the Lego.  Snap, click, push and pull apart those born under the sign of the lego are destined for a life of detailed creativity and spending tons of money on “toys” for the rest of their lifetime.  Good with the bad very karmatic our zodiac.  Donovan’s skills with legos flourished this year starting off with making stacks, walls, and other basic shapes to building without any help other than Barb keeping him on the proper page the PIRATE SHIP.  I built his first one for him and it took me four hours; it took him two days, but he did it all on his own.  Meanwhile, as he built and tore apart every pirate, miner and city set apart as fast we could buy them for him, I found lego bionicles and the lego social network.  The nice thing about father son shared activities is that I buy the more advanced kits, build them, display them and when he is older or more capable give them to him.  On the lego social network we both have pages and they have co-operative activities on them in addition to all of the fun stuff that he likes to play with and watch. It only took him a couple of months to be able to build a bionicle on his own.  Now he does chores and other tasks to earn “Dad’s toys” it all works out and everyone has fun.

7th Best & Worst: Barak Obama

Who’s the baddest Jedi in the land?  Barak Obama.  I still don’t think that his being black and getting elected is historical other than the color of his skin.  I also still believe that I am right in that his optimism is what won him the election and his optimism is going to be what causes him to not get elected in a few years.  Sure you could say that he had a ton of shit from previous presidents dumped on him from day one and I do admire his pluck when it comes to talking about doing something, except when he is almost constantly interrupting something far more interesting that another one of his “We’re trying, so you can try, blah blah speeches.”.  Oh, so why is he number 7 on our list, because he was a game changer that for the first part of the year had almost everyone thinking not that things could change, but would change and that was a nice feeling for a while-then reality set in…

Number of the Beast Worst: Recession

Much like the font a lot of money disappeared this year.  Something about a recession dominated the news for a few months and then it was declared over.  Now maybe because we are so  close to the bottom that it takes a little longer for reality to settle in down here, but when the recession was in full swing we barely noticed and with the recession over things seem worse.  Again maybe it’s because the people we know are also near the bottom, but reports from around the states aren’t looking so good for them either…but hey we own stake in several high profile, but failing companies and it is getting better…well only when I bend over and the sunshine leaks out my ass.

Number of the Beast Best: iCARLY

We tried our damndest to get everyone we knew to give this show a look.  Including many months of iCarly trivia.  Sure it is on Nickelodeon, but honestly would you rather say you gave a comedy on Nickelodeon a chance or stuck with your Lifetime “Why women should be pitied movie of the week” or “Why humanity should be forcibly removed from the planet reality show?”  Yes, it is a show whose primary audience should be kids or tweens, but it is funny as all get out, has plenty of hidden adult moments and jokes, much like Sponge Bob.  Lest we forget Gibby one of the coolest side characters in all of television.  iCarly deserves a view by everyone at least once, because if nothing else unlike everything else on Nickelodeon the screaming is only for effect and not just because.

And now before we get into the top 5 of the year a little break for…

POP vs SODA the FINAL DEBATE!

Because the rambling has an audience across the United States there has been a minor debate between me and some of the other less fortunate individuals (read Katrina) about which is better POP (ME!!!) or soda (her).  Now in all fairness a debate is supposed to be an argument between two opposing view points, unfortunately for her this is MY rambling and we have all heard her argument before something along the lines of “blah, blah, blah, my ancestors crossed the United States, blah, blah, blah and that is why it is soda not pop.”

So here is my retort.  It is POP because I and everyone else with any sense know this.  Soda is for water and has no snap.  POP has snap it commands your attention and because it commands your attention POP is the correct answer to the debate.  It is unfortunate that as people spread across the continent that they were playing a game of telephone and somehow POP got turned into soda, but that doesn’t excuse the basic fact that POP is the correct answer.

And now onto the TOP 5 BEST/WORST of the year…

Fifth Worst: Service and Shawshanking da Man

Shawshank (shaw-SHANK) vb 1.) to continuously call, email, or write your way up the ladder in an effort to fight bad customer service or to prove a point. shawshanking

This year among the number of wars I waged was the war against lousy service.  It started with Fedex and the United States Postal Service when we ordered some sex toys:

“The Chinese Hell of Package Lost in FedEx Purgatory: Late May I ordered a bunch of stuff that we don’t need, but wanted and then promptly forgot about it because within two weeks packages always arrive from them. Like clockwork. Three weeks later I am on the phone. The package was given to FedEx SmartPro a division of FedEx only associated with FedEx in name. FedEx will tell you anything shipped FedEx SmartPro is not their problem and not anything that they will help you with even if you get into levels of middle management. SmartPro on the other hand is powerless to do anything about a package in their care and I quote from the customer phone rep “Our company cannot guarantee a 100% success rate. We have a 1 to 2% failure rate per million packages per day. You should contact the original shipper and have them ship out a new package.” When I asked her if she was serious about not being responsible and that until the package ended up somewhere that the original shipper was not going to do anything she said, “As I said we cannot guarantee a 100% success rate.” Where is my package? As of yesterday in Grove City OH for the fifth time. Each day the package moves between Bellevue MI and Grove City OH and because SmartPro doesn’t “touch” the packages they can’t go into the crate to find it and because it hasn’t come out of the crate the Post Office can’t touch the package and yet somehow each day the package gets scanned by someone twice a day.”

Following the Fedex/Post Office Shawshanking, which by the way resulted in us not only getting a new shipment, but the old shipment a day later-guess someone eventually touched my package anyone know what to do with a bunch of extra vibrators-I was thinking folk art.  There was the Shawshanking of John Brand Senior Brand Manager of Alderac entertainment who decided to answer my emailed questions with answers that were in my original questions.  Suffice to say I Shawshanked him into an apology, the information I was looking for and a promise to do better.  As I write this the Department of Human Services case worker A. Melendez is getting Shawshanked by me.  What started out as her missing an appointment with us and then sending us a “you missed your appointment with me and now it is your responsibility to get a new one” letter and then not returning a phone call for two days has turned into me calling her once a day, her boss twice (speaking to her twice in the process) and me working on finding out who is her bosses boss.  I will either get a satisfactory resolution in the next week or next year will be hell to pay for multiple people at DHS.

5^th Best: What’s On Tonight?

The boob tube was especially nice to us this year and as a result has joined the eclectic members of our pantheon right next to NUFFLE.  For once there was plenty of television that we HAD to watch so much so that the DVR we got for football games got used just about every night (and not usually for football.)  There were the must sees of Castle and Chuck, the guilty pleasures of Nitro Circus and Jackass and the “Hey we just found this” of Weeds.   In between all of that was Nickelodeon a channel that amused, baffled and angered us usually within the same day (see number 1 below).   Lest I be remiss in commenting on all of the sports from football to Wipeout.

Without the television I don’t know if I would’ve made it through the year with my sanity intact.  I’m not saying that everything I was forced to watch, Wonderfuckin’ Pets anyone or the 72 hour Dora needs to be Deported marathon, was fun or even something that I would wish upon those in hell, but it kept the kids quiet and somewhat sane and that is what allowed me to get through those days where the only thing I wanted to do was duck tape the children to a wall and make telemarketing calls.

4^th Worst: The Word “BUSY”

I don’t know about you or you, but YOU I know about and sit down and shut up!  Where was I?  Oh yeah, if I ever get the chance to remove one word and one word only from the English language, although trust me there are plenty more than one I want gone, it would be the word busy.  I can’t tell you the number of times I got to hear “I’m busy” followed by a short or long list of things that made that person think that they were actually too busy.   Problem is when you supply a list you immediately open yourself to interpretation and inspection and what you think passes as busy is often found woefully short of actual busy-ness.  Now I’m not going to say that in your mind or lack of time management that you aren’t busy, but what I am going to say is that saying you are too busy to do something and then providing a list of…excuses…makes it look like something other than it could actually be…notice my skepticism.  Perhaps instead of eliminating the word it should be refined to mean “Don’t want to be bothered with you” or “Not interested in your suggestion” or just plain and simple “FUCK YOU!” might make it easier on everyone.  Thus I come back to my original thought, that the word “sure” should be eliminated, but I am too fuckin’ busy working on this rambling to bother.

4^th Best: Holiday Traditions

This year was a good year for our Holiday Traditions many of which were firmly put into place.  Sure the kid’s and Barb’s birthdays were celebrated without me having to steal a driver’s license or sneak a peak at old ramblings to remember the date and that should count for something, but I figured given enough time that would just become natural or I would have the names and dates tattooed on the inside of my arm for reference.

So birthdays aside what traditions were firmly put into place?  Let’s start with the first holiday of the year…the SUPERBOWL or Our Highest Holy Day where we celebrate the final culmination of months of competition to determine who is the best in the name of NUFFLE.  Unfortunately until Thanksgiving we are lacking any holiday traditions, we do have the drought of cash in the middle of the year tradition, but we are looking to eliminate that tradition through hard work.  Thus our next tradition is The Annual Thanksgiving Turkey and Football Day Feast which some of you have had the fortune to attend.  Plenty of food, plenty of football and plenty of ME to keep everyone entertained.  Now that we are closing in on 10 years of hosting it we have no plans to stop which means every year just about everyone we know will get an invite.  Following on the heels of Turkey Day is Cookie Days, a two-day, cookie baking affair that is all Barb.  The only thing I do is let people know about it, pick out a cookie or two, make sure there are supplies and should anyone ever be invited back either keep them entertained or make sure they keep working.  This tradition will keep going because we enjoy giving out the cookies to anyone within range.  Finally we are working on an X-mas tradition, it is a work in progress, but the ultimate goal is to make one trip and if possible to have everyone come over here or wherever we are throughout the day to exchange gifts and eat food that we make.

An honorable mention this year was Halloween, yes my birthday, but that isn’t why, hard to believe isn’t it.  This year was the first year that they kids got to dress up and go out.  Aside from the cold it was awesome and hopefully turns into a tradition until the kids “outgrow” it…bastards!

3^rd WORST: Facing Down the Barrel of 40

This year I came in close contact with mortality, well at least what it is like to feel mortal, which has only happened once or twice before…usually involving a fight or car accident.  As Dr. Nick put it on my last visit I’m not falling apart, but I am facing down the barrel of 40.  Had me laughing as the number 40 was a minor obsession for bit, if you read the ramblings and I have been hobbled by injury more this year alone than any year prior to this.  For those not in the know I used to do full-contact-MMA-style fighting for two years, slam dancing for three plus years, nightly dancing and other vigorous activities…read sex (at least two of you reading this know what I am talking about…yeah I talking to you Jessica)…for a long time and didn’t get nearly as laid up as this year.  Why was I laid up?  Shaun White.  Yes, I blame my feeling what you normals feel on the Flying Tomato.  If it wasn’t for his most awesome snowboarding game I wouldn’t have tweeked my ankle up for the entire year.  I had to use a cane for something other than beating the crap out of someone.  The ankle lead to knee problems, this lead from me being an exercise junkie to wishing that I could exercise regularly and only added to that sense of being a mortal.  Of course the ankle injury lead to the confirmation in my mind that I really did have high blood pressure…no the fountains of blood out my nose didn’t…thus as this year comes to a close my ankle seems to be finally healed and I am looking forward to not only getting back on the board, Mr. White has SECOND game, but back in shape so prepare to kneel before Zod!

3^rd Best: Just Plain Gogo’s

What is a Gogo?  At it’s most simplest a gogo is a cheap plastic toy.  A cute plastic toy, that has just over 400 figures in the first of 4 existing sets.  The older sets from the 80’s and 90’s  also had a ton including glitter, shiny, glow-n-the-dark and McDonald’s exclusive models. However, if you delve deeper into it a gogo is a toy with a long and rich history that is currently riding the second wave of faddom (is that even a word).  Another layer is that a gogo is a cash making machine for the time being.  After we sold off almost all of our possessions worth a shit we started selling gogos one at a time and in batches.  We discovered after a bit of trial and error that they were worth money.  Not a ton, but enough to help pay the bills.  Then thanks to Jessica Barb got pointed in the direction of Etsy, which is Ebay for the craftily inclined individuals.  At first not much happened, but then sales started coming in.  Again, not a ton, but enough to pay for bills or get stuff when we needed it.   Now Etsy has become almost a full-time job for Barb between making jewelry, participating in on-site promotions and putting stuff up for sale.  Selling Gogo’s keeps me pretty damn occupied.  Hopefully next year the sales will continue and if the 2^nd, 3^rd and 4^th sets of Gogos reach the shores from England then we will have plenty to sell and collect.

2^nd Worst: Death of Computers

Death or at least his nerdy cousin visited our place several times this year.  Just a quick head count two desktop PCs, one laptop PC and one netbook, although the netbook has been sent for what we hope is a quick recovery.  With each death there has been plenty of heartache and pain in the butt.  Not that we were close to any of the computers, but each had something of importance on it that we had to try and save before final death set in.  In a similar vein to those people who believe in cryogenics or for the movie inclined Vanilla Sky and removed all of the hard-drives in the hope that one day I or someone more technically inclined can access the information on them.

A moment of silence if you will.

2^nd Best: Shaun White

If you haven’t noticed by now Shaun “the Flying Tomato” White shows up a lot.  He was extremely influential on many levels around here.  If we hadn’t started watching the X-games, we wouldn’t have started watching the Winter X-games and thus snowboarding.  If we hadn’t started watching him winning at snowboarding we wouldn’t have started paying attention to other shows with him on it and we most definitely would not have bought Shaun White’s Snowboarding for the Wii.  If we hadn’t bought Snowboarding I wouldn’t have tweaked my ankle, if I hadn’t tweaked my ankle then I wouldn’t have believed I had high blood pressure until it was probably too late, if I hadn’t tweaked my ankle I wouldn’t have discovered that vicodin and I don’t get along, but vicodin does have it’s value.  If I hadn’t been on a cane I wouldn’t have been laid up for most of the year, this lead to seeing even more Shaun White including when he traveled to Japan to get the soul of snowboarding back.  The Wii Snowboarding got all of the family involved from Barb down to Kaylee in one activity.  Unfortunately my ankle injury and then subsequent need for money resulted in the game going to someone else, but the fun has not been forgotten and neither has Shaun White’s impact on this family and when things finally hit something resembling normal there will be not one, but two snowboarding games here.  Sure I may not be able to walk, but it will be worth it…of course if not for the upcoming Wii games I might not be shopping for combat boots again and I do miss them.

Number ONE Worst: Fresh Beats, they deserve their own level of hell!!

This may seem particularly odd especially if you have been following along for the entire year as surely you say there must be something far worse than a Nickelodeon show to make the number one spot.  Well, in some ways you could make a case for a bunch of things, but we choose this one because it not only affects Barb and I, but it has infected (not affected) our children with it’s vile happy-pill poison.  As we have discovered if the children are affected by something generally we are now doubly affected (once for us and once for them get it?).  This show, four insipid singing and dancing adults, slipped it’s way onto Nickelodeon without a lot of fanfare and in the middle of the Dora, Diego and other foreign/ethnic six hours of early morning programming.  At first it was just another show, but then we noticed the kids dancing to it and then we started paying attention.  There were no language lessons, there was no social message, there was no redeeming value at all.  In fact these fools solved all of their problems by singing; what the fuck is that all about?  Unlike like Dora and Kai-Lan where the children were learning language skills, problem solving and good social behavior the only thing that the Fresh Beats were teaching my children was old Paula Abdrool dance moves and how to sing way off key.  It took a few months of turning them off, lots of screaming by the children when we did this thus reinforcing that they were going through some sort of withdrawl i.e. addiction to crap, but they seem to have forgotten all but a couple Abdrool dance moves.

And now for the NUMBER ONE BEST THING FOR THE YEAR…HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTS…

NUMBER ONE BEST: FOOTBALL!!!

That’s right the number one best for us is FOOTBALL.  Each year we start off with football, we pass the middle of the year waiting for football and finally we end the year with football.  We follow the players, we follow the teams and even some of the coaches.  When the season is underway things just seem a bit better around here.  Sunday is our Holy Day, when others are in church we are in our church.  We watch the pre-game, we watch the game bad or not and we consume copious amounts of crap food during the season.  When our team is doing well there is a bounce to the step and nothing brings the family together around our Day of Rest and Celebration like Sunday football.  Even the boy has gotten involved, sure his favorite team is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers (pirates,) but he picks teams along with the rest of us.   The two games a year when the Vikings and Packer play is a reasonably festive day around here, totally dependent upon whose team is winning.  As soon as Kaylee gets old enough she too will probably take part in the footballness…we hope.

Well that wraps up the 10 Best and Worst for the Richmond Clan this year.  Wait don’t go there is more, what 16 pages is enough…well suffer on only a few more things to do.

Honorable Mention

So here we all are at the end of the Best and Worst for us for the year along with a couple of other things and you might be wondering well what about this or that especially for those of you who have gotten this rambling all year.  I’m not sure what you could be thinking is missing…well I do have a couple, but this is the big one Friends and Family.  This year more than any before has seen a lot of swing on both friends and family.  There are plenty of people who have walked in the door and then been kicked right out for being found wanting.  There were a few surprises, such as Julie who chose yet another candidate for marriage over the three year friendship.  The rambling list swelled up higher than ever before and then dipped back down to its lowest point before rising back to its original level.

So while friends came and went so did family, not in such sweeping waves, but they came and they went.  We discovered the lengths that family was willing to go and discovered the differences in family styles.  Barb’s is a more traditional style of family more than willing to help out when they can and as much as they can without any recriminations.  My family is more like a cannibalistic tribe that is down to the last few members and no herbs and spices.  We eye each other a lot and wait patiently for the right moment to pounce.

Thus I want to end the year saying thank you to all of our friends and rambling members.  I want to say thank you to Barb’s family for all of the assistance and I hope that next year goes better with my family, but aside from my mother at this moment there isn’t much to be thankful for…but like the old saying goes you can pick your nose and you can pick your friend’s nose, but you can’t pick your family’s nose because fingers from both hands are already stuck up noses…well it sounds better in the original Klingon.

Donovan’s Corner:  dad kicked me out of my room where I was playing and watching Spongebob so I could write something meaningful.  Like I know what that is.  I like dressing up as a pirate because pirates make me happy, then again so does my parents buying me legos pretty much on demand, except for that dry spell.  At the end of this year I am looking forward to school and even more legos for people to step on.  Now I’m going to go play with my PIRATE SHIP!!!!

DJ Kaylee’s Dance Review Feminist SPORTS PAGE  Foodie Page :  This was a year of drastic changes for me, I started out liking to dance (which I still do), then moved on to promoting and supporting women’s rights in sports (a limited niche audience it turns out and very seasonal), then I moved on to my current love; food.  As the year comes to a close I can only hope that next year has more culinary surprises like mashed potatoes.

FOOTBALL CHALLENGE: Week Sixteen Results

Me 11, Barb 9, Donovan 8

Running Total: Me 141, Barb 137, Donovan 112

And THAT is the end of the END OF THE YEAR SUPER DELUXE RAMBLING.  I hope you all managed to stay awake.  See you…well most of you…not YOU…next year.

“Ruguo taiqiu huaile, na me guanli jui bu fu fuze de.”

(Management Not Responsible for Ball Failure)

64 END OF THE YEAR SUPER DELUXE RAMBLING

Hello, I am your Research Monkey.  The boss called in and mumbled something about recovery.  I can only assume that he has once again done something stupid and debilitating to himself.  He also mumbled something about “taking care of things for another couple of days” and “recharging the writing batteries.”  Since I am still in charge I have found another rambling to share.  Where is My Back Seat is a rambling for 2008 the day my boss went to pick up his newborn daughter from the hospital.  Enjoy.

“Chicks and beer.”
-K. Blankenship

This should be a short rambling as everything else has already been told in the prior rambling, but I like to type and I want to maintain my schedule.  The only “new” thing was discovering today that with two children everything becomes a little bit harder and a little bit longer.  For example, when I went to pick Barb and Kaylee up from the hospital there was the “what do I do with Donovan?” question.  If we had a babysitter or reliable neighbor I would’ve left him with them, but alas not to be.  So I had to pack him up and go.  It was while driving to the hospital that I realized or the reality hit me that the car no longer had a backseat.  Two baby seats does not a backseat make.  Shit that means groceries and everything else has to go into the trunk.  Does the trunk even work?  Okay that is an exaggeration, but the trunk is small and we like to buy a lot of groceries.  Then there was the thought of if one child adds ten minutes to every activity does two necessarily add twenty?  Will I ever those minutes back?  See so many questions and the most pressing is where did the backseat go and when exactly did I loose it.

As of now Barb and Kaylee are home, for at least a month, and life will start to morph until it resembles something “normal” at the moment the cat is the most affected as his favorite place to sleep is no longer his and if Kaylee is like Donovan soon his old ass will be chased around by two children.  Inside he is probably praying for death since he doesn’t like to go outside.

No book, movie or game reviews this week.

Well like I said this was a short rambling, unless you count yesterdays.  Next week will be normal length I promise.

“Don’t get eliminated!”

-MXC (or MXfee as Donovan says it)