While I Wait

03 Feb 2013 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in BALLS!!!, Daily Thought, Food Thought Tags: , , , ,

While I am waiting for…

…a crate of frozen Snickers to arrive at my doorstep

…responses to Reader Responses

…interviewees to respond

…the Superbowl to start

…word on next year’s financial aid

…Jessica to tell us if she got the time off

…Paul to get approval to get my brain scanned

…for Amazon to show up

…for Old Navy to show up

…for Summer

…Barb to roll the sushi

…for the kids to get dressed

…for the cold air to stop whistling through our house made out of Swiss Cheese

…for the dishes to get done

…for the laundry to get done

I am hoping that I do not go insane from the saccharine sweetness of the Puppy Bowl.  Sure my kids love to watch the puppies do…well what puppies do.  I on the other hand had every thought in my head unceremoniously shoved out and aside from what I am writing now none of them have come back.  I am scared.

Today, despite being a High Holy Day around here, not because today is Sunday, but because today is the Superbowl, today has a business day.  You have your High Holy Days and we have ours.  Ours being Thanksgiving, Halloween, Birthdays, the Superbowl, and each and every time the fucktards leave campus for more than a week.  On our High Holy Days we try to do nothing other than eat good food, enjoy each other’s company, and celebrate what makes the day special to us.

For each High Holy Day we have a “traditional” food: Thanksgiving is turkey, Halloween is Chinese, Birthdays is Sushi for the adults and something fried and vaguely chicken tasting for the kids (we have hope this will change), the Superbowl is usually wings however this time I was not in the mood to clean the fryer, cut the wings, make the batter, fry, make the sauce, clean up, and THEN relax.  Wings for people like me really is a big deal and time consuming.  Thus, I decided upon sushi instead.  Sure there are several hours of prep time, but I actually enjoy putting my knife skills to work, but what is even better is that clean up is easy.  The bowls that are filled up with ingredients stay clean and only need to get tossed into the dishwasher after all is said and done.  Another plus is that sushi is healthy.  So post Superbowl when I usually feel like I need to be rolled around the house and have the grease from the fryer scrapped off of me with a sharp knife or stick, I should have a full belly and be feeling better about myself.

Okay, I just sat through a Finding Bigfoot commercial, What the Hell?  Really?  There is nothing left for television.  If that is the case I want my own show Finding the Missing Sock, where I and my intrepid team of explorers investigators arrive at your house with video camera and search for that one missing sock.  I smell success.  Who do I call?

Sorry, where was I?  Oh yeah, so today has been more about business than relaxation.  Taxes, FASA (for those of you in college you know what that is), dishes, a paper on Japanese Educational System, putting final edits into On Volunteering, and planning out some blogs down the road.  Of course most of this was obliterated by the Puppy Bowl.

Puppy Bowl

Christmas Eve Test

24 Dec 2012 2 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Daily Thought Tags: , , , , ,

Party FrogHappy Christmas Eve.

This will be a short post, as I am spending the evening with the family playing games and getting the kids ready for the insanity that will be the first few hours of the morning when they will wake up early and want to open presents, play, and eventually eat food.

This will also be a short post because I am using the touch pad keyboard for the first time for an extended period of time.  This is so weird, there are no keys only little bumps on a flat surface.  There is no resistance from hitting a key, only a beeping or popping noise with each keystroke.  If I don’t have the volume on I get zero feedback other than what appears on the screen.  I am so used to having the physical feedback from keys.

So far so good.  Time for me to go, the kids are pestering me to get back to the family game of Descent 2nd Edition..  I will write about family game night soon enough.

Have a Happy or Merry Holiday Eve.

A Day of Food And Football

22 Nov 2012 2 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Daily Thought Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Last year I told you about our Thanksgiving Traditions, this year I don’t think I am going to do much at all, which is a tradition.

Here is the current situation:

  • The fucktards have gone and all is quiet and well.  Crossing our fingers the situation stays that way for the rest of the week.
  • I got all of my homework done and I am working on writing.  I only have my take-home final to do and I will be done.
  • Barb is sitting down after getting all of the Thanksgiving Day food prep done.  She is flipping through my Birds of Michigan book looking for a bird that she saw.
  • My boy is playing Minecraft.
  • My girl is watching him play Minecraft while hoping a plate of dinner drops in her lap very soon.
  • Our friends and family are elsewhere and hopefully having a good time.
  • The Lions are winning and even better is that there are two more football games on today.
  • I just checked the timer and there are two hours to go before Turkey could be done.

And there you have our current Thanksgiving in a nutshell.  I off to work on my take home final a little bit more and then to torment my children.  :)

To everyone we know, have a Happy Thanksgiving.

To everyone who reads my blog, have a Happy Thanksgiving.

One Year Anniversary: Blog

29 Oct 2012 3 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Deep Thought Tags: , , , , ,

Happy Birthday Blog

One year ago to-the-day I started Speaking Out in Class with a First Step For Nathankind, and here we are 561 posts later.  I started out with no expectations beyond writing what I wanted to write, when I wanted to write and making at least one post a day.  I started the blog to have a new place to write, a place where anyone could find what I was writing about, and to head off the end of my college program where I am to create a WordPress site to showcase my work.  The poor bastards at the college still have not figured out what I have been telling them, no amount of classes or telling me “how to write” is going to change how I write.  I am looking forward to the day when I get to present my sex, food, more sex, life, even more food and sex laced blog to the University, I may sell tickets.

Today 365 days later, I still have no expectations beyond writing what I want to write, granted the range of topics has most definitely expanded since I started, writing when I want to write and making at least one post a day.  Having no expectations has resulted in the almost weekly surprises from you the readers.  I was not expecting anyone to actually read what I wrote.  I have a couple of friends and family members who regularly read what I write, but in general the majority of people I know do not read my writings.  Thus, I went into this with zero expectations of having any readers regular or not.  Speaking Out in Class got 58 total views for the last three days of October.  From that point, traffic was slow, but steady, and again surprising to me.  At the six month mark the average viewers per day was  16, then it jumped to 32, then it jumped to 50 a day roughly 8 months into the first year.  Today, especially over the last two months, traffic has jumped to an average of 135 views a day.  I am shocked, humbled, and thankful at the same time.

I don’t remember when I got my first follower, but that lead to another and another until I have more followers than I had Facebook friends, roughly 28.  Then the purge came.  The only thing that changed on the blog was I went from posting half-ass (my words) erotica to deciding to take a break and evaluate what to do to make my erotica more full-assed and over night my followers dropped to 15. That lead to the Cyclical Writing blog where I explained how I write.  That slowed the exodus and set the stage for the slow growth of followers.  I never expect anyone to follow me, hell I am surprised that anyone does.  After all I know that my blog is not about one thing, not even about two things so I am surprised when someone follows my schizophrenic blog.  Today I have 82 followers, I appreciate every single one of them.  They are a mix of people interested in sex, food, life, and maybe one or two who like the stories.  Thank you.

When I first started Speaking Out in Class I didn’t know how make links look attractive, I didn’t know how to post moving pictures, I didn’t know how to do a lot of things or why to do certain things, such as tagging.  Over this year I have learned how to do all of that and more.  Blogging combined with a few college courses has dramatically expanded my writing both in skill and topic.  The sex posts are the most obvious, when I wrote the first few I was hesitant; I talk a lot about sex, but to write about sex where other people who I didn’t know could see what I thought…whew that was a big deal for me.  Now I write about sex like I talk about sex which means a lot to me because you don’t get a filtered version of what I think might not offend.  I write what I would say to you, if you were standing in front of me.

I love my blog.  My blog is me.  I try new stuff on the blog, some things take off like Kinky Fuckery and somethings fall flat on their face and I leave them there, such as Comerotica or Project Kinky.  I stand by everything that I write, even if I am not proud of what I did write.  I can fix what I wrote, make adjustments, and very importantly I can see connections between thoughts over several months that I most likely would not have noticed otherwise.

Outside of my writing, blogging has gotten me involved in the realm of bloggers.  I have met and read a lot since I got here a year ago.  I have found plenty that impress the hell out of me whether their writing is just better than mine, they have a different take that causes me to go hmmm, they make me laugh, I get a recipe, or anything in between.  I have a few that are my favorites and I have a few bloggers that I like to talk to a lot.  This was surprising to me since I was under the impression that blogging was reasonably solitary; I write, I post, you read end of story.  The truth is that I write, I post, you read, you react, I react to your reaction and the circle continues.  The comments I get make my day no matter how big or small.  When a comment turns into a conversation I get giddy and clap…okay I get a big smile.

I’m closing in on a 1,000 words so I should probably start wrapping this up.

Thank you readers, ALL of you.

What will be happening over the next year?  I have no idea.  I will continue to write about sex, life, food, and stories.  These topics are who I am.   Other than that I have no idea.  If you have some suggestions I am all ears or eyes.

Reynolds Wrap?

13 Sep 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Deep Thought Tags: , ,

What does Depeche Mode, a college bar that is most likely no longer in existence and Reynolds Wrap have to do with each other?  If you said my-our marriage you would be correct.  If you said a sex blog teaching you how to use Reynolds Wrap for a good time you would be incorrect.  Let me toss this out real quick, this is not a sex blog about how to use Reynolds Wrap…well right now this is isn’t that kind of blog.

Does anyone know what the material is for the 10th anniversary for a marriage?  You probably should, but in case you didn’t, the answer is aluminum.  As in Reynolds Wrap.

I guess I should back up a bit.  Many years more than ten ago, Barb and I met.  There are some hazy details here and there, but for me the first day of our relationship started at the Edge.  The Edge was (maybe still is) a college bar is Ypsilanti.  I was a regular there because I could get the DJ to play slam dance-industrial music (Nine Inch Nails, Ministry, etc all) before the college fucktards came in, got drunk and the owner (Chuck) demanded that the DJ play music that they knew.  I would get roughly and hour to two-hours of music that I liked, that I could dance to and once the fucktards rolled in I would get my drunk on, get into fights, play video games and then go home.  I was there at least three nights a week.

Barb worked there for a bit as a waitress.  For the record she SUCKED.  Even she says so.  I distinctly remember my friend Jim who taught me always to always over tip the waitresses for your first few trips to ensure good service for any future visit telling me that he was not going to over tip her because she had forgotten yet another of his or my drinks.  She was cute, but not a good waitress.

The night in question was a night that her friends were there for some reason, quiet possibly because the bar was doing 80′s night and they and I liked to have fun to a medley of 80′s songs.  I danced, her friends danced, there was plenty of drinking, there was dancing away from the dance floor and eventually Depeche Mode.  My memory tells me that Depeche Mode was played a lot that night, but I remember dancing and having fun with her away from the dance floor.  I was pretty damn charming, if I say so myself, then again I was also pretty drunk, suffice to say my charms (not the booze) won her over and she went home with me.   That we had fun goes without saying.

That was the beginning of our relationship.  I’m not going to go over the past close to twenty-years together.  To be honest I don’t think I can do justice to everything that we have been through without sounding like I am complaining, bitching, ranting or only focusing on the good.  Life is more than those things and I don’t want to accidentally demean what we have been through because I lack the words and skill to adequately convey those experiences.  What I will say is that Barb has been by my side for the past close to twenty-years (we disagree on the math, given that I recently completed TWO math courses my math is correct).  There have been a lot of ups and a lot of downs.  We have weathered them all together.  Everyday we move one step closer toward a distant goal.  I love her with all of my heart and if I were caught in a moment of honesty I would say that because of her the greatest moments and happiest moments in my life have been because of her.  In those rare moments of quiet contemplation I look forward to the next phase of our life together.  While we have only been married* long enough to qualify for Reynolds Wrap in my heart Barb qualifies for something at least made out of plastic or glass**.  Gold, Silver or Diamond you say?  No way, we are college students.  Those things are for later.

* This is a sign of how much Barb knows me: I am horrible with names and dates.  Usually I have to hear your name three times over three separate occasions before I get your name right without my usual stare.  Dates I never used to remember.  I used to steal Barb’s driver license each year around the time that I thought was her birthday just so I didn’t forget her birthday.  For our wedding she specifically set the date on Friday the 13th.  This was the first date that I remember from the get go.  This was also some sort of trigger, because now I remember dates a lot and names pretty well too.

** Turns out that plastic and glass are not gift levels.  Damn.  So I will go with what is on the list Crystal and China (not the country although if someone wants to send us there or to the nearest good Chinese restaurant that would be awesome).

SuperFOODBowl or why the Patriots are boring & the Giants are no better

05 Feb 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Daily Thought, Food Thought Tags: , ,

It’s an hour before the Superbowl.  As I have stated previously this is one of our High Holy Days.  Usually we are more into the Superbowl and football than we were this year, but this year has been a very odd and not condusive to watching…scratch that…obessing over football like we normally do.  Next year will be better.

As per our usual High Holy Day celebrations there is food.  Most of you are probably thinking the usual assortments of pizzas, beer or pop (no soda here) and wings.  Surely lots of wings, after all I am writing a cookbook just about wings.  There must be lots of wings.  Nope not a single one.  For one, it turns out that there isn’t a chicken in the area with wings left.  Something about all of the wings fresh and shudder, those frozen in a bag all bought up.  That makes sense given some stat I heard about how many wings will consumed just on this day alone.  Chickens everywhere should be forming a protest group or forming protectorates with the X-men mice.

Nope after seeing what I could only describe as some of the most disgusting examples of humanity over the last week we decided to go a different route for food.  I spent yesterday making dashi in preparation for making mushroom miso soup.  Today Barb and I spent the entire day working on prep for a very nice spread of sushi and tempura.  Just waiting for the time to start making rolls and eating up.  Shit that reminds me I have to make some wasabi.

Sushi and Superbowl, has a good ring to it.

I usually do a “live” broadcast of the game in the rambling or I was thinking of blogging it, but to be honest with you I am tired of writing for the week.  Another thing is I could care less who wins.  Especially if the Patriots win yet another boring game and then I have to listen to the various Partriot fans, “fans” who suddenly like the winning team-happens every year, you know the “I’ve always been a fan” crowd. Really then who was the quarterback before Beiberthatcantsing?  The team is boring, their quarterback is boring, their coach is boring.  They win.  I get it.  Now show me some teams that are exciting to watch.  The Giants aren’t it either.  I expect Manning to be sent to the bench with his binkie just before half-time when the Patriots have a 100 points or whatever obscene amount they will have.

So I will watch the game because Al is calling it, watch the commercials because they should be good and wait for Madonna to do something other than stand their and flex her guns while singing out her greatest hits from the 80′s and 90′s when I heard them when they were new.  The whole time I will be eating sushi and thinking of all of you gnoshing on typical superbowl fare rapidly expanding and exploding, because that at least will be more interesting than watching JustinBeiberifhehadathletictalent throw another touch down.

Do Writers Dream of Keyboards?

25 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Deep Thought Tags: , , , , ,

Christmas is almost over.  From my point of view Christmas was over the second after the kids opened up their presents and began playing.  That is when the holiday ended for me.  The fun was the rest of the day; between watching Kaylee attempt to make up her mind which toy would she play with next to watching Donovan laboring over his Slave I Lego Kit which mostly was him playing with Boba Fett while I built the base of the ship.  Barb spent her day in Skyrim wandering around farming.  That was what I saw and if you know anything about Skyrim you can do farming, but you can also slay dragons.  Pretty sure I know which side of the equation most of us would fall down on.  Yep, picking cabbage is a lot safer and thus longevity.  Salt of the earth are farmers, nothing but trouble is a dragon slayer.

I spent the day making crap food, you know quick easy shit that doesn’t take any effort, tastes good, but isn’t healthy for you and most likely should only be seen as mystery ingredients in cooking shows.  “What is this?  Pizza Rolls is the secret ingredient?  Damn.”  Then I wrote some stuff, see other post for the day.  The novel-story is coming along well, the fantasy project has been shelved because it wasn’t flowing right however should I get a role-playing group going it will flow very smoothly.  Somethings write themselves and others need help-fantasy needed help.  Which led to my question of the moment, what is a writer?

On the surface it is a pretty stupid question, a writer is someone who writes.  Then there is that, what kind of writer are you person who writes question?  That made a lot of sense to me.  However, the more I wander around the unviverse that is writing and writers and people who interact with them there seems to be a lot of diversity of answer.  If you tell someone you are a writer one of the first questions will be “What do you write?” or “Are you published?”

I am published, but I don’t feel like a writer because I am published.  In fact aside from the obvious that I have a book with my name on it, I don’t recommend it to anyone unless you just happen to be collecting that role-playing game.  I did it to get published, so that I could stop saying “No, I’m not published” or “I self-publish,” which seems to have the same reaction as “I’m a doctor I self-medicate,” or “yeah sure.”  I have self-published a bunch of stuff and plan on doing more.  I am proud of the writing inside each, but I know that the package could be a lot better (part of the whole college thing).  However, just because I self-published them doesn’t mean I feel like I am any more of a writer either.

Unfortunately to make money you at some point need to get published in some form or function or figure out a way to turn your writing into cash even if that involves add clicks on a website.  That is the sucky truth.  Another truth, is that just like almost everything thinks that they can sing, way too many people think they can write.  Which means there is a lot of competition for a lot less resources.

What do I write?  Well as most of you know I write just about anything.  In fact the only thing that I don’t write is poetry.  Just never got the hang of it.  What you tell people you write determines the reaction.  If they like the genre then you are in, but if the genre is thought poorly of or they aren’t fans you are out.  Never say porn unless you are amongst friends or looking for a specific reaction which can vary, but is usually of the negative variety.  Even if you explain how difficult it is to write a compelling sex scene people just don’t care you said porn or SEX and their ears shut just as fast as their mouth will open.  It is difficult to write a good sex scene by the way.  Go ahead give it a try I’ll wait.

…

See that’s what I thought.  So the next time your writer friend says they are doing porn give them a break or bust their balls.  Your choice.

Anyway what I write has never made me feel like a writer.  I write whatever comes to mind and I keep writing about it until I am out of ideas.  Then I go back to it later and add more to it.  That is how I have several role-playing books and book ideas that are in the 100′s of pages.  The genre never mattered to me though.  I wrote because I had an idea and a developing talent.  Notice I said developing.  I have been writing for over 20 years and I still don’t know it all and probably never will, but I keep working on developing my talent.

That is what makes me feel like a writer.  Writing pure and simple.  This blog was the best thing that happened to me writer-wise in a long time.  I write everyday.  I keep my skills, thoughts, and ideas rolling constantly.  If I have an idea or thought I just pop on here and write.  Does it help that it is a public forum, yes it does because all writers want some form of feedback.  So if someone comments I know that person read it.  Based on the stats this site tracks I can tell what people are reading and when.  For example, before the holiday break Monday’s were a good day for people to read the blog.  The Toy Story blogs are also popular as well.  See sex.

It’s when talking to people who I do think of as writers that I find that they don’t think of themselves as writers for whatever reason, my favorite being “lazy writer,” that I get wondering am I a writer to other people?  Seems I am, but why?  Is it because I write a lot?  Is it because I am published, self or otherwise?  Or some other reason?

I do have one piece of advice to those of you who read my blog and think maybe I should do a blog or hear from others, “You’re a writer you should have a blog,” having a blog is not an easy task.  It is very easy to ignore.  Especially if you are not getting any feedback or you feel you don’t have something to say.  I don’t have something to say-I say something.  There is a difference.   If you are not capable of writing something at least once every 7 days, which about the longest people like to wait for something new, then don’t start a blog.  If you are one of those people that puts online related tasks off until the last minute, then don’t start a blog.  If you think that you don’t have something to say, read over my blog and other blogs and you will see that most people don’t have anything to say at all.

I know I don’t.

Seats At the Table

25 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Deep Thought Tags: , , , , , ,

It’s a half-hour until Christmas Day.  The kids finally went to bed.  I’m still feeling tired.  Barb is still feeling sick.  We are home for the holiday and that is a first for us in a long time.  Get up when we get up or should I say when the kids get us up.  Santa was here.  He ate the cookies and left a message for the kids.  They will get a kick out of it.  Don’t know how many more years we have before some ass ruins it for them and tells them the “truth.”  Until then Santa is watching and no amount of Donovan preparing a hunting blind complete with camouflage and cookies will work.  Sleep he must.

The year’s not over yet, but for us it has been a pretty damn wild ride that most of you who we just met may just be getting a hint of.  So I wanted to take a few moments to say Merry Christmas or whichever holiday tradition you follow.  Personally I don’t care which as long as you celebrate it and have a good time.

I also wanted to take the time to say thank you to everyone who reads this.  Thank you.  I won’t go so far as to say that without you there wouldn’t be a blog, but I will say that because you read it inspires me to do more than I might normally do.  Take a bow you deserve it.

To all of our old friends; Big Man, Jessica, Darin, Cousin Barb, Andrea and Carrie thank you for being there in whichever form you were there.  All of you know what a rough start this year got off to and if you thought it couldn’t get any worse it did at one of the worst times for us.  Again thank you even if you just read the bitching or listen to our troubles it was and still is important to us.  Despite the distance away you are still close to us and there is plenty of room at the table.

To all of our new friends; Chris, Amber, Nick, Sara, Kyle, Kelsi, Jose, Dimples, Ashleigh, Paul, Emily, Zack, and Josh thank you for coming along at the right moment.  All of you in one way or another, to one degree or another, have made the transition from there to here a lot easier and a hell of lot more fun.  I’m glad that we all met, formed a gang and get along.  All of you are welcome over anytime, there is always room at the table for you.

To my family, thank you.  We may not get along all of the time, but when put in comparison we get along a lot better than most and I am thankful for the support.

I hope everyone has a good holiday and I will see most of you online or at the table soon enough.

The Chinese Hell of People Who Won’t Shut the Fuck Up

24 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in BALLS!!! Tags: , , , , ,

I want to apologize to anyone that I may have offended enough for you to curse me to the Chinese Hell of People Who Won’t Shut the Fuck Up.  While I may not know which of you did it, I got the message and thus will try to be a nicer person for the next few days or until the end of the year when I have a bunch of “dick” credits I can burn getting you back. Until then I apologize for whatever I did or didn’t do, it was not my intention to offend, irk, anger, piss off or otherwise cause you to curse me.

We are home now.  I am glad that the power went out and we had to go to my grandparents early because if what happened yesterday and today had happened on Christmas Day I would be seriously pissed.  Now to be very clear I was happy to see the grandparents and watch their reactions as the kids opened up their gifts.  The children really do bring them a lot of joy.  Dinner was okay.  My grandmother once again proclaimed that she “hated to cook,” but she would not allow me to cook for whatever reason.  I guess a writing cookbook isn’t enough proof that I can cook and like to cook.

If you have been around me you know that I can talk, but I don’t talk fast and for the most part I let people respond where necessary in a conversation and if I ask a question I do want the answer.  Since the majority of you have never been around my grandmother or my mother you don’t know that they both talk a lot and fast.  I still remember one time as a kid when both of them and my great grandmother were all in the same room and it was to me just a wall of sound that never seemed to stop.  I don’t talk fast, I talk a lot, but not fast.  From the moment we walked in until we left the Ihop (by the way how come Steve Jobs never went after them) she talked.  Barb who is a loud talker joined in.  Then my grandfather joined.  Then both kids at the same time.  I honestly was not needed beyond when someone would direct a question at me and then totally talk over my answer.  It got the point where I would just nod or grunt.  Unfortunately if my nod wasn’t loud enough more noise was directed at me.  Not that they cared what I had to say or not to say, I feel it was one of those times when you want even the lonely, unappealing kid to feel like he is taking part.  You don’t care, but you make the effort nonetheless.

A typical “conversation” went like this:

“HANK!” shouted my grandmother

“(blur of words) one of the kids names (blur of words),” from my grandmother.

“I DID IT ALREADY!” from my grandfather.

“(high pitched gibberish from one or both children at the same time that everyone else is talking),” from (insert child’s name).

“(insert child’s name) Stop that!” from Barb.

“(blur of words),” from Barb and my grandmother escalating in volume.

“?,” directed at me who is trying to hold his brain inside.

I had a headache within five minutes and by the time that they finally went to bed it was a grandmal headache.  The people I was texting with can tell you that.  I was not happy.  I was happy that the grandparents were happy, but that was the extent of it.  Finally got some sleep only to have to do it all over again only this time in public at Ihop.

The following is short list of things directed at me that they never heard the answer or reply to:

“That’s nice,” in regards to my all A report card, said in a dismissive fashion.

“Why not do math and science instead,” because teaching English isn’t good enough.

“Do they pay you,” in regards to all of the people that I have been helping with papers, math and such.

“Why not get a real job,” in regards to me getting a job at a retail outlet, I did not tell them where I was looking for a job lest a lot more sound be directed at me.

“Are you sure you want to be a teacher,” in regards to me having a goal.

“It’s nice that you write,” in regards to me being a writer.

See just that shortlist should spell headache to you.  It does to me.

We are home now.  The kids are playing with their toys.  Barb is picking up and trying not to hop in the car to drive down to her parents to slap the shit out of them-a brief moment of comparision for those of you who are familiar with the situation, her parents sent a card only after they got the card from us.  They have not said anything to us until this point and unlike my famly who have gotten the kids something, even my mother who is in TEXAS and Jessica their gawdmother sent the kids something.  Her family did not.  Not even cards-Barb is pissed.  However, that is another Chinese Hell.

My headache is going down.  I am looking forward to the kids having the Christmas that I have always wanted them to have; they get up, they open presents and instead of having to load them into the car, they get to play with their toys all day.  Now if some more snow would fall it would be their first white Christmas.

Baking or How I Stopped Worrying & Learned to Love Cookies

15 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Food Thought, No Thought, Sex Thought Tags: , , ,

The shit you hear in a kitchen could make your ears burn especially when taken out of context and out of context is a speciality of mine.  To be honest would you rather here the nuts and bolts or things like “free facial?”  I’ll take innuendo everytime.  Thus as long as you are reading what I am writing you too will take innuendo.  For those of you with sensitive stomachs you may want to avert your eyes if you don’t like innuendo with your food.

For those of you who have never been here during Cookie Days or had the pleasure or misfortune of working with Barb in the kitchen she has some habits that you should know about before you step inside the kitchen.  You know what they say forewarned is…well let’s just say that you will know to duck.  Ever heard of Smaug?  You know the dragon from The Hobbit?  Well that is Barb and her cookies.  Do not and I mean it do not attempt to take a cookie before she says so.  She knows who took it, where it went and has no problem going in or making someone you love go in and get it out.   If you are a helper in the kitchen you had better know how to handle a knife like Dexter or Hannibal Lecter.  If you hold a knife in a limp grip or don’t know the difference between chop and dice get the fuck out.  If she asks you to peel caramels or kisses don’t try to eat one she will know and she will make you pay.  If you bring over recipes to add to Cookie Days you had better know how to make them and you had better have made sure that she has your ingredients on hand.  If you bring over your own equipment, don’t bother she has a full kitchen, but if you did bring over your own equipment take it with you.  Containers to take home cookies are the only allowed pieces of equipment.  Cookie Days and Thanksgiving are the two times in the year where she is lord and master of the kitchen and she enjoys her baking a lot.

Previous victims…I mean helpers have met their demise as follows: didn’t know how to chop maraschino cherries into quarters, brought a recipie that was not on the list and got underfoot.  All were banished from the kitchen.  There has only been one success story and that was Jessica.  She did what she was asked and that was plenty.   Hopefully Sara does as well as I would like to see someone return.  Finding someone to help on Cookie Days is harder than trying to find someone for a three-way or to be the gimp for a night.

What do I do on Cookie Days?  Get the fuck out of the way.  Keep the kids out of the way.  Watch out for cookie thieves.  Play games and entertain guests and there are always guests.  Beyond that nothing.  One of the few times when my talents are not needed anywhere near the kitchen other than clean up.  This Cookie Days I got Nick and Zack on the Xbox while I whipped up a quickie meal, then I got out of the way.  The boys played until called home.

As I mentioned above Sara is this years helper.  She volunteered.  I tried to warn her.  She didn’t listen as a result one of the first things to happen was “Your wife tried to shove the peanut butter up my ass.”  Remember I tried to warn her.  However, my fears were put to rest when they began to laugh and cackle together like a mini-younger-reunion of the Witches of Eastwick.  This was followed by the lessons on how to fill a measuring cup and packing things into tight spaces.  I can’t make this shit up.  When Sara said “free facial,” I about pissed myself.    However when the subject of fondling my wife’s peanut balls turned into a discussion on how sugar coated balls would improve grip, flavor, but might be a bit rough on the friction angle and forget about the mess when it gets all wet…well lets just say that Cookie Day One was in the books.

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