Naughty Monkey: The Story of the Jackhammer

09 Feb 2013 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Naughty Monkey, Sex Thought Tags: ,

This is Zach.

Well this is the top of Zach’s head.

Zach is a man with a dream.

Zach does not dream of riches.

Zach does not dream of fame, infamy or even outfamy.

Zach dreams of changing the world.

Zach dreams of making millions of people happy.

Zach dreams of sex.

Zach dreams of the jackhammer.

Zach dreams of the jackhammer partly because a jackhammer is part of his job.

Zach dreams of changing the name jackhammer in the sexual world.  No longer will jackhammer be something that inexperienced, overexcited young men do, but a skill.

Zach dreams of a day when saying you know the jackhammer is greeted with applause instead of women putting their hands over their genitals in fear of the battering to come.

Zach has a plan.

Step One, Realizing It Takes Two To Tango

Zach sat and thought.  Then inspiration, like inspiration does, struck without warning or in this case literally he was struck by inspiration when he fell off a loading dock.  Laying there bruised by inspiration he said, “Ah ha! Why must we lay when we could fly or at least fall.”

Zach sat and pondered.  He had an idea, but he needed to see the idea.

Zach drew up a plan.

Zach flew off his bed.

Zach realized after much trial and error that the jackhammer would work best with a woman instead of his smashed pillows with holes driven through them.

Step Two, This is Tango?

Zach searched high and wide, long and close, and met with failure many a time.

“You want to what?  With me?  I think not,” Zach heard many a time.

No amount of showing them the diagrams, most lovingly drawn complete with measurements and they were impressive, would convince a woman.

No amount of showing them the smushed pillows with holes driven through them would convince them of his dream.

“Why can’t you just jackhammer me like every other man,” they would say after seeing the holed-pillow”?

“I cannot jackhammer you like every other man, because I am a man with a dream and my dream I shall have,” Zach would respond, usually to a door that had just closed.

Step Three, Taking Flight…To the Hospital

Zach would not let his dream die.

Zach spent all of his spare time perfecting the jackhammer.

Zach refined his diagrams and measurements, not that any woman would even look at them.

Zach perfected his technique flying through the air and landing upon the pillow.

Zach bought lots of pillows.

Zach met a woman one day.

“Sure I will try anything once especially if new,” she said.

Zach showed her his diagrams, now a book-hand stitched.

Zach showed her his smushed holed pillows proof of his technique.

“Show me no more.  I want to do not read.  I want to experience not see,” she said.

Zach was overjoyed.

She lay on the floor.

Zach flew through the air.

“You look like an eagle in flight,” she said.

The paramedics said that she would recover from the impact.

Step Four, Taking Stock

Zach has a dream.

Zach may be concerned with making the world a better place, but that is not Zach’s dream.

I Would Reflect Upon the Past Year but My Hair is a Mess

01 Jan 2013 9 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Deep Thought Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The “problem” with writing a blog where I share a lot of my life is that when the time comes for some reflection I have already written about it and when I am writing about something I am thinking and reflecting upon that subject which usually ends up in my writing, thus when I want to reflect I just start reading old posts.

Being honest there really isn’t much for us to reflect upon.  The majority of our year was spent in college.  Barb studied her butt off and continued to learn that most PharmNerds are socially stunted people, even worse than her.  I wrote a book about volunteering over the summer and spent the last half of this year having the shit edited out of it.  As a family we had our first vacation over the summer and then proceeded to sweat away any potential weight we could have gained by laying about during the summer.  We discovered that the campus, at least one of the restaurants, is open over summer giving us a place to go with air conditioning.  My boy finished first grade.  My daughter learned how to count to ten, write her name, and start to read.

There is a lot of little things in there, but honestly the major life events upon which one would normally reflect upon were everyday events:

  • Two semesters of school
  • One very hot summer with a family first vacation
  • Finishing first grade for my boy
  • Being 4 for my girl, mostly watching Nickelodeon and playing
  • Made some friends, lost more
  • A computer died and then a phone died
  • Starting second grade for my boy
  • Learning how to cook Indian food
  • Continuing to refine making sushi
  • Continuing to expand my knowledge of Chinese cooking
  • Plenty of sex or sex related events, including constructing a room for fucking and a disastrous threesome

See, plenty of events happened, but I wrote about them as they happened, and reflected upon them at the time…so what should I do?  I could talk to you about what I would like to do over the next year, not resolutions as these are things that I have talked about before, but have only now had the time, tools, or ability to start doing.

I am going to work on getting the serial stories more regular and less of them.  Having looked over all of them, there are too many and that is affecting quality.  The goal to get all of them edited and posted to the Serial Story page, then pick two and do six-part installments on a rotating basis.  When a story is finished, then pick another one.

I really want to expand the Kinky Fuckery line of blogs, in particular more real photos, more input from people other than me, and delve deeper into some topics.  This desire of mine is limited by location, location, and location…living in the land of the sexless.  However, I am enrolled in the college’s only sex education course this semester so there may be hope or a whole bunch of blogs lamented the death of sex up here.  We will see.

Along the line add to the Naughty Monkey toy reviews, but again that falls into the money, people, and stuff to try.  Toy Story blogs are just fun, so no need to do anything other than read the latest sex catalog when they arrive. :)

As much as I want to expand the Kinky Fuckery line of blogs, I would like to expand the number of cooking/recipe blogs that I post in a year.  A regular column would be best, but I have yet to hit upon anything that really grabs me by the junk (I don’t wear lapels).  Suggestions would be welcome, as I do have a sizeable following of food blogs.

While I talk about On Volunteering, I don’t think I will be posting anything other than updates about the book.  However that is a goal of mine to get the other half of the book, the professional side, added to the first half before the end of the year.  I have been considering for a while now doing another Naked in Life, but one that gets a lot more press…as in the people who take part are happy to see it in print (long story).  However, that falls into the same pit that anything naked or sexual does up here, which is finding the people…unfortunately a lot harder than I thought.

In that life outside of the blog area, I would like to cut down the amount of time every member of my family spends on the Xbox and DS.  Perhaps it is because this is an extended break, and the season (winter), but I don’t remember us spending as much time as we have on the various entertainment idiot boxes.  Thankfully, we have started a semi-regular family game night and as we keep doing it should become a regular event.  Still less time staring at faux worlds and more time in the real one is a goal of mine…for now.

I would say that I want to make more friends and connections up here, but the problem that I keep running into is that unless they are a professor, or townie many (not all) of the students are not from here and treat being here like a vacation.  They are willing to make only enough of a connection to get them to the next break and then…well they have lives elsewhere.  This has been odd for me to understand, but I now think of college students as single serving friends: we have our time together and then its over.

Something that I have been curious about is what any of you would like to see me write about or address?  Seriously, this has been a “I wonder what…” line of thought for a few months.  If you have anything or lots of things, let me know.

A New Year’s Thank You

01 Jan 2013 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Daily Thought Tags: , , , , , ,

Happy New Year, if you are into that sort of thing, personally the calendar was going to flip over regardless and the end of the world did not happen, yet again.  For the record the world was supposed to end at least three times this year and nothing…definitely not betting on the end of the world this year.  The kids were excited about the ball drop until they got to see Ryan Seewhateverinthefuckhisnameis and then saw the ball, some mumbling about “that’s it” and “who is that.”  They counted down like diligent children and promptly went back to watching Barb slaughter her way through Skyrim’s dungeons and dragons.

This has been a very exciting year for the blog, for the family this year was pretty standard and if you are a regular reader then you are up to date with much of what has transpired.  I will most likely, later today, do a year in review for us.  What you may not know is how this blog has grown over my first full year much to my surprise and excitement.  I have said before and will continue to say, I never expected anyone to read this beyond friends and family and when they didn’t read it I really didn’t expect anyone at all to read it.  So imagine my surprise.

When last year ended after 3 months of operation I had less than 20 followers and 1,100 and some change views.  Then…

  • January 2012: less than 20 followers, an average of 16 views a day, and 510 views.
  • December 2012: 118 followers, an average of 220 views a day, and 6,832 views.

For a total of 32,586 views for the year. Compare that to 1,100 last year and you can see why I am so surprised: 1,100 for 3 months, which should have equaled 4,400 views for 2012 if the numbers held up.

Why am I sharing this with you?  Bragging hardly, but to point out to each and everyone of you who follow, and read my blog that you have made a huge difference and why when I say that I appreciate each and everyone of you that I mean it.

THANK YOU!!!

For those of you who are curious and stat oriented I present to you the following:

The Top 5 Countries

  1. United States
  2. United Kingdom
  3. Canada
  4. Australia
  5. Germany

Top 5 Blogs

  1. Kinky Fuckery: Bondage for Beginners
  2. Kinky Fuckery: Sexual Bucket List
  3. Kinky Fuckery
  4. Naughty Monkey: Door “Swing”
  5. Kinky Fuckery II

Top 5 Search Terms (with #s)

  1. Kinky Fuckery 1,327
  2. Bondage for beginners 674
  3. Sexual bucket list 316
  4. Sex bucket list 188
  5. Sex bucket lists 117

Again, a huge thank you to every reader.

I’m not going to make any promises or resolutions for the year.  I will keep doing what I have been doing.  I hope you continue to follow along.

Naughty Monkey: Bacon Lube

20 Sep 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Naughty Monkey Tags: , , , ,

Do you like bacon?

Be honest, who doesn’t?  Okay, there may be a few of you.

Do you like sex?

Be honest who doesn’t?  I feel bad for those of you who don’t.

If you answered yes to both of those questions then continue on reading. If you answered no, please continue reading.  If you answered yes to one but not the other, then please continue reading.

To answer your first question, yes there is a bacon lube.  I did not cook up some bacon and try to mix the bacon grease with some canola or peanut oil to make lube.  I DID NOT DO THAT.  That would be a gross…waste of bacon grease.   I don’t know who the genius is that thought to themselves, “Hmmm, sex is really great, but I want sex to go one step further and how would I do that.  AH HA, bacon!  Bacon makes everything better.”

I want to shake that person’s hands.  I do.  Then I want to smack them upside the head.  Why the smack, for one not coming up with this revolutionary sexual aid sooner and two, well there us an issue with the bacon lube.  Read on.

Which would like to read about first the pros or the cons?

…

…

Ah, good you are like me and want the cons first.

Remember that love you had with the scent of bacon?  I do.  Now imagine if that scent was stuck to your fingers for two days.  Still not so bad, at least I wouldn’t mind having fingers that smelled like bacon instead of whatever was in my kids hair.  What if the bacon scent was a fake bacon scent; smelled like bacon, but there was a hint of something else that you couldn’t place.  The smell of bacon lube initially is BACON.  Not great bacon, but bacon.  A few sniffs later and the scent is off, like smelling watermelon candy; smells good, but you know that no watermelon you have ever had smells like that.  That is what this is like, smells like bacon but not enough like bacon to keep you fooled.  The closet thing I could come up with was Baco’s or…as crazy as this sounds there was cereal that I remember as a child that had this same smell.

Is the scent a deal breaker.  Not for me, but I can tell that bacon lube would not get used more than once a month.  Definitely not twice in a row.  Remember how I asked how you would feel about having the scent of bacon your fingers for two days?  The faux bacon smell does not come off easily, in fact three hand-washes with hot water and a variety of soaps only managed to diminish the odor.   The scent is not strong enough that people walking by will stop and stare at you, but every time your fingers end up near your nose you will flash back to that night…even if that night was two days ago.

That was the con.

The pros.

Bacon Lube is a lube.  Not the best lube we have ever had, but not the worst either.  Like most lower-end lubes Bacon Lube gets tacky after a little while.  The lube washes up easily with soap and water, the scent may not, but the lube does.   Bacon Lube has another pro which is that the lube warms up when blown on and during use.  Nothing special, but I find the warming stuff is fun and fun is always a pro in my book.

Final thoughts, would I recommend Bacon Lube, not as a your primary lube.  Nor would I recommend Bacon Lube as your secondary lube (remember Kinky Fuckery: A Shopping List everyone should have two lubes).  I would say that if you are looking for something new and fun to play with then yes get Bacon Lube.   If nothing else you can say you have Bacon Lube and at least once in your life you can say with a straight face that your nether region smells like bacon.

Naughty Monkey: Door “Swing” Update

22 Aug 2012 1 Comment

by ankoku1331 in Naughty Monkey Tags: , , ,

If you remember Naughty Monkey: Door “Swing” then you might remember that I didn’t have much good to say about the door swing.  In fact, I ended with, “That was the best.  Right now the straps are left hanging around our place for people to find and question us about.”  Now, before I get going, I want to be clear, the door swing as a door swing is a useless piece of junk unless you are a teenager, weigh around 100 to 110 pounds, very flexible or just a glutton for punishment.  Thanks to Lady Pandorah or more specifically her husband (her words) because the door swing has gotten a new life.

This picture is what we came up with.  Yes that is the door swing now turned into a chair swing.  We got rid of the little plastic pieces which kept the door swing attached to the door and used a large carabiner to attach the two straps together.   You can keep the plastic pieces if you like, but I wasn’t happy with them in the first place and when I saw how one of them went through the chair I was even less happy.  Thus, they are in the trash and the carabiner is in place.  For those curious, carabiners are cheap and found everywhere.  You can even get carabiners in a color to match.

Okay so you have a chair, make sure the chair has sturdier back slats than ours.  Seriously, using the chair swing can put some serious stress on those slats/supports and the last thing I think anyone would want is to have the chair break in the middle of a really hot sex session.  Now either use the little plastic pieces or your carabiner to “attach” the swing to the chair.  Make sure that the swing straps are right side up.  Now someone can sit in the chair.  The arm straps can be used for hands or arms.  The thigh straps can now be used for feet, ankles or thighs.

A pillow for back support and comfort is a quick addition that will keep the person sitting in the chair from getting uncomfortable.  In addition, a pillow could be used to keep the hips towards the edge of the seat for easier access to the fun parts.  The straps could be wrapped around the chair legs or shortened to keep arms and legs where you want them and easy access.  However, for those people who are looking for a bit more restraint and control, I recommend the addition of a few extra straps that can be used to keep hands in place or legs up, out and apart.  Just depends on how involved you want to get.  For us just having a use for the door swing is more than enough.

Besides we can hang our sex swing from the ceiling.  :)

Naughty Monkey: Ball Gags

02 Jul 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Naughty Monkey Tags: , , ,

Sometimes you want some piece and quiet.  Thankfully in the bedroom or wherever you have sex there are toys just for this.

Pop-Quiz:

  • Are you or your partner loud, screamer, potty-mouth, have a tendency to ask questions during sex?
  • Do you wish that there was a way to keep them quiet and still manage somewhat of a sexy look?
  • Or are you into that “stuffed mouth” look?

If yes was your answer to any of those questions then might I suggest a ball gag to you?  Ball gags are typically associated with bondage.  That is where you will most likely find ball gags when shopping for one as well.  Truth is, from this Naughty Monkey, that ball gags can be used outside of bondage.  Shocker, I know.

Not all ball gags are created equal.  There is the size of the “ball” (while the term ball is used, gags come in a variety of shapes) and the size of the mouth that said gag will be going into to consider.  Your play-mate getting a sore jaw from an over-sized ball gag stuffed into their mouth is not going to earn you a lot of repeat play-dates.  Most likely, unless you have some really cool friends, you will not be able to try out a ball gag before you buy it, but what you can do is take a look at it and your play-mate’s open mouth and make an educated guess.  OR an even better suggestion, is to go with a small ball gag.  You can always up-size later.

There is the taste to consider.  Think about this, that gag could be in their mouth for anywhere from a few minutes to a lot longer if you get into a lengthy session, which means they will be tasting that thing the entire time.  Is the ball made out of rubber, plastic, candy or something else?  Each one will taste different and your play-mate needs to be okay with the taste.   Again, unless you know some really cool people, you will not be able to try before you buy.  What can you do?  Consider the material and whether you like the taste of said material in your mouth; rubber tends to have that funky taste, plastic is a neutral flavor, candy-see below and so on.

If you are a careful reader, you noticed I wrote candy.   We bought a candy ball gag from Adam and Eve and it was an experience.  Removing that the gag arrived broken there were two important issues to consider; taste and saliva.   Cherry is a nice flavor, but is that something you want to be drooling on for fifteen minutes to more than an hour?  Not real cherry flavor, but that artificial flavor that shit candy is made from, don’t think Jolly Rancher, think month old off-brand Halloween candy.  Again, cherry flavor equals nice for a piece of candy.  Shit cherry flavor equals total turn off during sex.

Saliva happens (should be a T-shirt), when wearing a ball gag you can drool, you definite will salivate.  Normally, maybe a bit messy, but nothing that should be a problem.  Saliva plus candy equals sticky mess.  Sticky candy mess on lips, chin and anything below the chin which can be chest, breast and legs or more depending on position.  If you partner is not a fan of sticky, this will be a problem.  What else does saliva and candy equal?  Dissolving candy, in other words your candy ball will get smaller and smaller with each use.

Finally, straps or how is the ball gag held in place.  I am a fan of a ball gag that can be secured in place, but nothing overly complicated buckle wise or latch wise.  If you need to or want to remove the gag quickly you don’t want to be fumbling around with a buckle or latch.  Take a look at the buckle, latch or other device to determine if it suits your needs.  There are some people who like the complicated.  Not me.  I want quick and easy, you never know when someone will freak out or you want the gag out of the way so you can stick something else in.

Naughty Monkey: The Many Uses of Mr. Dependable

19 Jun 2012 3 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Naughty Monkey Tags: , , , , , , ,

Big (7 inch length) and purple.  Bendy and girthy (5 inch girth).  Fun.  Most of all fun.  Mr. Dependable is not just a name, it is a life experience and not just in the bedroom.  Every party that we host a Mr. Dependable comes out.  With a loud thwack, Mr. Dependable is stuck to whatever surface you can think of tables, walls, cabinets, chairs, benches, or windows you name it Mr. Dependable will stick to it and remain there.  With a little bit of moisture, Mr. Dependable requires two people or some ingenious maneuvering to get him off of whatever surface.

Okay, so lets pull this back a bit.  What is Mr. Dependable?

Mr. Dependable is a purple girthy dildo with a large pair of balls and a suction cup base.  Mr. Dependable is extremely flexible.  Mr. Dependable has all sorts of uses outside of sex.

  • Mr. Dependable has been at every party we have hosted where people have used him to:
    • Fling nuts, popcorn, bits of paper and other small things, i.e. Mr. Dependable as a catapult
    • Stuck to surfaces and seen which drunkard can pull him off first, i.e. Mr. Dependable strength test
    • Hidden about the house to see who can find it first, i.e. Hide and seek Mr. Dependable
    • As a visual aid during a sex-demonstration, i.e. Mr. Dependable as an education device
    • As a prop to hold stuff up, i.e. Mr. Dependable as a stand

As you can see just from that small list Mr. Dependable is dependable.

  • Mr. Dependable has many fun uses:
    • He has also been used to threaten people with, i.e. Mr. Dependable as a weapon
    • He has been used as a game to see if he can be thrown or bounced and still stick, i.e. Mr. Dependable as a game
    • He has even been used as a pole to catch glow-stick-rings, i.e. Mr. Dependable ring toss game

I shouldn’t have to go into Mr. Dependable’s uses in the areas of sex, but for those lacking imagination here is small sampling:

  • Mr. Dependable during sex:
    • Used as a dildo, albeit a large dildo, i.e. Mr. Dependable as a dildo
    • Used as a “second” to simulate a MMF threesome, i.e. Mr. Dependable as Mr. Whomever
    • Used as way to demonstrate how strong your leg muscles up when attached to a wall, i.e. Mr. Dependable as workout and sex toy

Mr. Dependable is versatile.   Mr. Dependable is durable, even after all of the abuse that he has taken he still works like new.  Mr. Dependable is easy to clean; soap and water or if you have it your favorite sex toy cleaner.  Mr. Dependable looks AWESOME in black light, trust me on this one, if nothing else.

Mr. Dependable is fun.  When we were being shown a selection of cock rings, we had some questions, most of which got answered.  However, there was one that the sales person, nor anyone else at the table was able to answer, which was how do you get a cock ring around your balls, like we had seen in a catalog?  Nobody wanted to volunteer in-case of a cock ring-ball malfunction.  What were we to do?  We volunteered Mr. Dependable.

First, coat Mr. Dependable liberally in lube.  Rub on or as it looked jerk off Mr. Dependable.  Have your assistant, Ryan in this case, help you roll the cock ring down Dependable’s shaft.  Then Ryan and I wrestled with a lube slathered Mr. Dependable and cock ring; attempting to get the cock ring around the shaft and the second one around the balls.  Ever try to grab a greased pig?  Neither have I, but after wrestling with Mr. Dependable I feel one step closer.

We got the cock ring in place and sat back admiring our handiwork and the feel of the lube slowly drying on our hands and arms.  Then realize that we had to get the damn cock ring off.  Tug.  Pull.  Tug and pull.  Not getting anywhere.  Then Ryan says, “Nathan, do you want me to squeeze your balls together.”

“Ryan that is the sexiest thing I have had said to me all night.”

Ryan proceeds to squeeze Mr. Dependable’s balls together while I slip the cock ring over them.  Then we roll the ring back up the shaft.  Much easier going up than down.

The whole exercise demonstrated to the two of us that while it may be possible to wear a cock ring like that, the effort may not be worth all of the work and potential ball squeezage.

The lesson, Mr. Dependable is more than a sex toy. Mr. Dependable is a life accessory.

* This Naughty Monkey was inspired by all of the people searching for their Mr. Dependable (#6 search term all time for my blog).  :)

Naughty Monkey: Door “Swing”

12 Jun 2012 5 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Naughty Monkey Tags: , , ,

Have you ever owned a toy that you loved immensely (see photo to the left), then later saw a smaller version (see photo below and to the right) and said why not it should work just like the big one only be more storable?  We did just that when we bought our Door Swing.  We have a Sex Swing.  We love it.  Unfortunately the Sex Swing requires a solid ceiling, a tall door or an expensive frame.  We have not had any of those in a while and thus our Sex Swing sat in the box.  On stormy nights we were sure that we could hear the box from under the bed, “Set me up.  Set me up.”

While flipping through our adult toy catalog we found the Door Swing.  Take everything you like about the Sex Swing, make it smaller, portable and above all you don’t need a solid ceiling or expensive frame, just a door to hang the swing from.  The couple in the photo looked like they were having fun.  The description couldn’t have been better.  The price even better.  Why not?

I’ll tell you why not!  Are you flexible?  Are you the “right” weight?  Are you able to manuever yourself into the Door Swing?  Do you mind not floating above the ground while fucking, but instead banging up against the door?  Do you like hearing the door bang in time with what thrusting you can get going?

To use the Door Swing you need to be flexible, unlike the Sex Swing which provides a seat for you to sit in, the Door Swing is two parallel straps that use the door for back support.  There is no bottom support which means that you have to be flexible and have really good leg muscles to keep yourself from “falling;” literally dropping down in between the straps until your ass is on the ground and your legs are still in the straps.

The Sex Swing is good for up to 300 pounds, 400 if you have the frame.  The Door Swing, who knows, but not close to 200, not at all.  Remember there is no support of any kind.  What would be foot stirups on the Sex Swing are thigh straps on the Door Swing, which means that you cannot use your feet to brace yourself against the door.  Thus weight plays a roll in how long you can support yourself against the door.

Getting into the Sex Swing is a matter of sitting down and then putting arms and feet in place.  The Door Swing requires two people or a step stool, chair or other piece of equipment.  A leg has to go through the thigh strap, then the other thigh strap.  The thigh straps have to be maneuvered into place while trying to get your hands in the right place to support yourself, but you need your hands to keep you up and so on.  A major pain in the ass and a major mood killer.

Now that you got yourself into position, did you remember to adjust the length of the straps so that you are in position for sex?  Oh, well back to step one and then back into the contraption.  Now you are in position.  Oh, your legs are tired, don’t blame you, but still we are here.  Ever had sex standing up?  Fun isn’t it, kind of tiring depending on the position (s) involved, but fun.  Door Swing Sex?  Not so much fun.  She can’t move, no swinging, no floating, just up against the door and if you pull her away from the door she has to work harder at maintaining her balance (remember no back support), so you end up fucking up against a door with someone who has limited movement.  Unless your door shuts very tight it starts to bang in time with what you are doing.  Does she like to toss her head back, don’t do that.

The best thing that we could find to do with the Door Swing was eating her out or playing with toys while I sat on the floor.  That was the best.  Right now the straps are left hanging around our place for people to find and question us about.

Naughty Monkey: Exciting Cream

21 May 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Naughty Monkey Tags: , ,

“I have a surprise for you when you get home.”

Barb sent this to me as a text while I was in class and wasn’t going to be home for at least three hours.  Now knowing my wife I had a good idea of what to expect.  We had gotten our box of toys from Sara Mistress of Pleasure and the X-Scream, from Pure Romance, was turning in a favorite.  Thus I figured that she was going to apply some right before I came home and be randy and waiting.  She did indeed use the cream, she was randy and waiting.

We got the X-Scream after the first toy party when all of the women at the party tried it out.  The response was overwhelming the stuff worked.  Worked immediately.  Every woman was wearing a smile, slightly antsy in their seats and had the sex flush on their face and chests.  The way the cream works for those not in the know is that it is applied to the clit, vulva, nipples or any other part you can think of, except the directly on the tongue.  Applied directly to the tongue has a slight numbing effect, but it still did cause that sex flush.  In general, the effect has been described as cooling.

Here is what I can say from experience, X-Scream never fails to get Barb in the mood or if she already is in the mood get her more in the mood; wet, very wet.  Now remember the tongue thing above, well that doesn’t happen if the cream has been applied elsewhere first.  Having licked it off a few body parts now the numbing sensation has not happened.  The flavor by the way is vanilla frosting and it is quiet good.  However, after three hours there is no flavor left at all, why do I mention three hours-see the intro for a reminder :) . BarThus, my surprise was a hot and ready wife, but no vanilla frosting.

Does X-Scream work on men?  Good question since it was marketed towards women.  I can say yes it does and boy was it fun.  Applying it to nipples was okay, applying it to my cock didn’t seem to do anything, but then when I came it was like shooting out icicles.  Very cool, no pun intended, oh who am I kidding yes there was a pun intended.  It was unlike anything that I have ever experienced and we have tried plenty of fun stuff before.

My recommendation is if you don’t mind the price tag, get some.  It is fun for both of you in many many different ways.  Works with toys by the way.

Naughty Monkey: The Legend

04 May 2012 2 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Naughty Monkey Tags: , ,

To paraphrase the Joker, “Where does she get these wonderful toys?”

Hooray!  Thank you Sara Mistress of Pleasure, an unofficial nickname, but probably very appropriate especially if she keeps selling Barb these wonderful toys.  I say we are sitting here with our box of new toys that Barb most recently and by most recently I mean she placed the order on Monday and we got them last night.  Why didn’t we play with them last night you may be asking, well because we were relaxing in a liquid way last night and some of us got a little too liquidy (not me by the way).

So today we cracked open the box of toys and were very very happy.  I’m not going to tell you everything that was in the box, not yet at least, tonight I am going to tell you about The Legend.  Does it live up to the name?  Is it worth it?  Will it be something you would enjoy?  Read on to find out.

I’ll be upfront The Legend is not cheap.  By far this was the most expensive sex toy we have ever purchased.  You can ask in private if you would like to know or contact your Mistress of Pleasure or ours.  However, price was not an option once we got to play around with The Legend.   The Legend is pink, a bright pink, but is not not plastic.  The only plastic is the battery cover, three AAA batteries, and the control button.  The rest of the vibrator is covered in a soft, almost velvet touch, silicone.  It feels soft in your hands and warms to match your body temperature which is a really nice feature.

The Legend is curved like a banana, at one end are the controls, which is a single button and a three-light display.  One end of the button is the power, the other end is a selector for the ten different speeds and vibration rhythms.  That’s right you heard me ten different and they are all different.  There is the standard, slow, medium, fast and really fucking fast speeds.  Which if you have held onto enough vibrators the really fucking fast speeds can make your hand go numb.  Not The Legend, even on really fucking fast my hand never fell asleep.  Talk about awesome.   If the speeds and not having your hand fall asleep wasn’t enough there are the rhythms, with the press of the button you can activate one of several combinations of the the three vibrators inside The Legend.  You can get a rhythm that starts at the tip and moves to the base or one that only has the tip and the end vibrating or just about anything in between.  I will be honest and say when we were told about the pulsing rhythms we both looked at each other and said no way.  We said this because years of sex with each other and pulsing never did anything.  The Legend took that thought and tossed it right out the fucking window.

You have read the good and great, now let me give you the down-sides.  There are two, both are minor.  My biggest minor complaint is that the control is one button; meaning you have to push the button to cycle through each speed and rhythm to get to the one you want.  This is a very minor complaint, as you will probably find as we did that the cycling is fun in and of itself.   You or your woman will often be surprised by what suddenly “works” when you are cycling your way to what you know works.   Here is a plus that helps make the cycling minor no matter what position you are in you can always operate the controls with a minimal effort.  No having to contort yourself to try and twist the end or remember which button to push.

My other minor down-side is at the same time a plus.  The curved shape of The Legend makes going down on your woman a problem in the standard her-on-her-back position.  The Legend will be in the way in most cases unless all the way in which is not necessarily the best use for The Legend and depending upon your woman may not be the most comfortable.  However, with a little bedroom creativity you can turn that curve into a positive.  I won’t got into the potential TMI of our favorite position when using The Legend, but I will say this with a bit of creativity Barb gets hers, I get mine and we both get off together.  THAT right there is the sign of a great toy for couples.

Barb has said that The Legend would be a good solo toy for those times when I am dead, but it is one of the best couple toys that we have owned.  I will end this with one last piece of advice, The Legend is best with fresh AAA’s, as the batteries die rhythms and speeds no longer function a sure way to know that the batteries need to be changed.  Now to wrap this up, if you are in the market for a sex-toy-vibrator that is great for couples who like to play with each other and don’t mind having to get positionally creative on occasion then The Legend is for you.  If you are looking for a solo toy then there are plenty of other options, but honestly who really likes to play with themselves all of the time?

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