Kinky Fuckery: MY Sexual Bucket List

22 Dec 2012 6 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Kinky Fuckery, Sex Thought Tags: , , , , , ,

A while ago I did Kinky Fuckery: Sexual Bucket List which was an amalgamation of the various sexual things the people I know and partly me, want to do before we die, but not in the traditional sense, as I wanted the unusual-Point Break Sex Going Out in Style is pretty out there.  I still not sure which President I will be going as, but trust me I am shopping around for a plane, a mask, a surfboard, and willing people just in case. :)

This Sexual Bucket List is all me (cover your eyes if you don’t want to know).  Nobody else.  Well other people are involved it is a sexual bucket list not a masturbation bucket list…hmmm…what would that look like?  Masturbate on a plane.  Masturbate with a stick of butter…nah, I will stick with sex that involves other people.  I can love the one I am with on my own time.  So without further ado bare witness to the things I would like to do sexually before I die.

Bottom of the Bucket: With many apologies to the woman or women that I am having sex with at the time, I want to die having sex, preferably post orgasm.  Since I am a good lover (ranked amateur), the woman or women would have already had at least one orgasm, so they shouldn’t worry about being left out.  Still keeling over dead during or post coitus could be problematic, so I apologize now.

My Turn, but Practice First: This has been a desire of mine for a long time and don’t think anything negative about Barb, but I would like to be bound, like I do to her.  I understand that binding people does take a certain mindset and preferably some practice, which is why it has not happened to me yet.

Better Lighting and Maybe Some Post-Production Work: I want to make a sex video.  A good sex video.  One that I wouldn’t be ashamed to watch again or have other people watch.  It would need a good plot and maybe a stunt double or two, but I really would like to make a good sex video.

I Don’t Speak Your Language, but We Seem To Be Communicating Just Fine: Sex with a foreigner.  Not a foreign looking American, but someone from somewhere else.  This is a very minor bucket list item, but despite my efforts it has not happened yet.

The More the Merrier, I Hope: If I could, meaning I had a place, privacy, and knew the right people, I would host an annual Sex Party.  Something akin to Shortbus, if you have seen the movie then you are familiar with the place where they gather together for a party-sex scene.  Or maybe more like a Roman orgy-party out of Spartacus, without the murder that seems to happen at most of them.   You get the idea.  I think it would be a good thing for the world or at least the neighborhood…well parts of it.

Is That A California Roll on Her..? I like sushi.  I like naked women.  I would like to eat sushi off a naked woman.  Simple as that.  No California Rolls though.

Can You Go Crazy Much Later?: I have written about this before and will again, but if we could find a third that lasted for a while that would be great.  That would most definitely be a bucket list event and a blog event and maybe even a reason for me to start-up Facebook again, talk about status update.

Location, Location, Location: I have had sex in plenty of interesting places; office of a Burger King, counter of a Burger King, with a woman handcuffed to the hood of my car, in a park, in a packed bar, and so on, but there are still a few places that I have not had sex yet; on an airplane (mile high club), on a stage, in Japan, and in China.

Hey, You Are Doing Me: I really would like to create a sex position that sweeps the bedrooms of the world.  Most likely a position that involves three people, the Tri-Richmond or something equally creative like that.  Whatever the name, I am fond of the Scorpion (sounds ominous), the position is written about, photos, essays, pornified, and mainstreamed.  I would be famous and all of you, would be doing me.

Speaking of Doing Me: If I could get a glow-in-the-dark multi-speed, multi-function faux version of my cock with a vibrating monkey for the clit (I do like monkeys) that would be sellable to the world I would do that.  Alas, mass production of me seems to be out of my reach for the moment.  Clone-a-Willy is fun, but hardly the Ford Motors of faux cock production.

So there you have my top 10 or at least 10 items off my bucket list.  Enjoy.  Perhaps I will post more of my list later.

See also Sex Index

Toy Story: Numbers Game

19 Dec 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Toy Story Tags: , ,

If you did not know your numbers, you would be plenty more familiar with them after going through the latest Adam and Eve catalog.  Numbers are everywhere; A&E Legendary Blowjobs DVD: 26 Girls Can Suck The Chrome Off A Hitch or Full Bush Amateurs DVD: 11 Hairy Hotties Get Their Muffs Stuffed.  I don’t know if they are trying to get you to work on your math or just stun you with a cunning combination of numbers and blurred genitalia.  I hope that those are blurred genitalia, the blurs seem to be getting bigger and bigger.  In some places the only thing showing is a nose or eye, disturbing to say the least.  Thus I submit to you, that you could learn more about numbers than you could about sex from the latest sex toy catalog.

Would you like to see?  Let’s count to ten together…

Lezzin’ Out DVD: Lesbo Babes Love Pussy…One Lick At A Time!

Silicone Butt Plug Set: Seduce Your Booty With 2 Sexy Plugs!

All Star XXX* Celebrity 3 Pack DVDs: 3 Hot Young XXX Stars At Their Most Volcanic!

Double Pleasure DVD Combo: 4 Hours of Double Penetration!

Banging Granny’s Pussy DVD: 5 Hours Of Sex Lovin’ Cock-Crazed Seniors!

Red Hot Sex Sampler 6 DVD: Discover The Lure Of Forbidden Sex Acts!

Group Sex 7 DVD: Best-Selling Series Of Group Sex Action!

The Great 8 Condom Sampler: 8 Popular Lubricated Condoms For You To Sample!

First Time Bunny Teaser: Use This Powerful Bunny For 9 Kinds of Thrills!

10“** Chocolate Dream Hollow Strap-On: 10” Of Dick For Your Darkest Desires!

Never let it be said that Adam and Eve is not concerned about your ability to count to ten.  Like some perverse Sesame Street Vampire Counting Skit, “One butt plug, ah ah ah ah!”

Still not convinced?  I present further mathematical proof that Adam and Eve is trying to educate the masses about numbers in a fun and subtle fashion.   Think of the mnemonic device, you will never again forget that 6 cums after 5 as long as you remember Granny’s cum before the Samplers or that a Bunny will give you 9 kinds of thrills, but 10 inches of Chocolate is even better. Okay, maybe those are the wrong examples, but I stand by my assertion, you can learn about numbers from your sex toy catalog.

The catalog even informs you about fractions, percentages, and tries to reinforce Roman Numerals.  You don’t get that kind of numerical education from the New York Times, Juggs, or Popular Mechanics.  All fine publications, none of which you will find in my home, but I assure you none of them care about numbers or math as much as Adam and Eve seem to.

Top 40 Squirting Scenes Collection DVDs: Unleash 7 1/2 hours of Gushing Girl Juice! ***

Squirt Showers 3 DVD: Today’s Weather: 100% Chance of Squirting Showers!

The Best of Nina Hartley 3 DVD: Great Sex & XXX Action With Nina Hartley!

And finally, who doesn’t like a good math problem with their sex toys?

4 Movies = 1 Low Price. Sounds like an Algebra Problem to me, just solve for X or watch the damn DVD.

* You can also learn Roman Numerals, X = 10.  X x 3 = 30!

** Here is where you learn about inches and measurement, apparently in increments of 10, must be a good thing.

*** Having seen a real live squirting orgasm, 7 1/2 hours just seems excessive and messy.  Maybe if they cut out the last half-hour.

Toy Story: I Fear The Mayan’s May Be Right

24 Nov 2012 2 Comments

by ankoku1331 in BALLS!!!, Sex Thought, Toy Story Tags: , , , , ,

The end of the world is nigh!

Gather your family together and wrap up anything that you thought you may have wanted to do before the end of days!

Today I received a sign that the Mayan prediction for the end of the world could be true and about to happen soon.  Where did I get my sign from you ask?  Why in the mail, how else would one get a sign of the end of the world?  As I tore into my Adam and Eve catalog, a sense of apprehension and even dare say I fear gripped my heart.  Page after page, the signs were there, the end of humanity is at hand.

I don’t care about the math that the Mayan Calendar is such and such off.  I tell you what I witnessed today on page after page tells me that the end of the world is right around the corner.   What else can seeing the same thing time and time again mean?  When the porn industry has run out of ideas the end of humanity cannot be far behind.  Don’t believe me?  I offer up as proof that time and time again the porn industry has been on the cutting edge of human advancement.

  1. Figured out how to make money on the internet first and better.
  2. Figured out what to do with the video cassette recorder first and better.
  3. Figured out what to do with Blu-ray first and better.
  4. Figured out how to turn glass into something that was both decorative and functional that wasn’t a plate.
  5. Figured out how to keep sexually transmitted diseases to an all time low in an industry where you would expect STDs to be flourishing.
  6. Figured out how to make sex mainstream enough that the pitchfork and torch mobs don’t even bother.
  7. Figured out how to get sex into politics.

See porn leads the way, but when porn, our greatest innovator, ceases to innovate what does that mean?  The end of ideas.  The end of mankind.  So unless something radical happens soon, such as cloning, sentient robots, artificial intelligence,  alien contact, or humans leaving the planet we are dead.  I offer up as proof the following:

Nurses 2, Horny Nurses Have The Cure For Your Boner!  Need I say anymore?  Nurse porn has been around forever do we really need a reboot of naughty nurse porn after all how many different ways can you play doctor on camera?

James Deen, Make James Deen Your Vibrating Silicone Stud! or Come Hard On James Deen’s Big Cock!  I don’t know why the real James Dean hasn’t risen from his grave to smite this pretender down, perhaps that will be part of the final days, but how many “real” cocks and pussies modeled off of “real-life” pornstars can you make?  Isn’t the “real” cock from what’s his name from last year or even ten-years ago just as good as this one?

Rhythm “O” Bounding Bunny Vibrator, 90 Wiggly Beads To Please Your Pussy!  Technology has advanced far enough that sexual pleasure has been taken out of our hands and into toys so advanced that an engineering degree is required to make them.  The next step are sex toys that think for themselves and learn, which at that point humanity is obsolete: Cylon Vibrator anyone or Terminator Dildo.

Finally I offer this as proof that the porn industry is out of ideas, the parody:

MIB: Men in Black Parody, Experience Out Of This World Sex With The MIB!  Sweet deity the original MIB is how old now?  2012 – 1997 gets you 15 years (here I do care about the math).  Don’t tell me that they were waiting for technology to catch up to their vision either like Lucas said about why he waited so long to make the new Star Wars films.  The porn industry has run out of ideas, just like the movie industry and is just rehashing old ideas.

There you have it proof that the end of humanity is nigh!  Tack on the demise of the Twinkie and the writing is on the wall.  Pray or whatever it is you do that aliens, clones, artificial intelligence, or sentient robots show up soon because any of those things would give the porn industry something new to innovate and film.

Toy Story: Birthday Wishes

09 Oct 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Sex Thought, Toy Story Tags: , , , , , , ,

This was in the mail today.  See Adam and Eve knows what I want for my birthday.  Are they reading my blog?  Do they know that a threesome, and nudity would tickle me pink?  I don’t know, but what I do know is that the first birthday wish and card-catalog came from them.

Maybe they are reading my blog, Full Bush Amateurs, Eleven Hairy Hotties Get Their Muffs Stuffed!  I do like amateur porn and I am a fan of pubic hair.  Maybe not a Cher wigs worth, still pretty impressive.  A new vibe might be fun, then again when you have anything over four some of the vibes get relegated to the drawer, but Sensual Seductions Vibrator, The Ultimate Earth-Shaking Vibe! does sound interesting, if nothing else for the potential to cause local earthquakes.  Hmmm…I wonder how that would work out for Barb, something to ponder.  Now this is right up my alley, after all I am turning old (er), The Innocence of Youth, Girly Girls Get Wet For Older Guys!  Granted I am not a fan of having to teach to those girly girls how to have sex and I’m not sure that I want to hear, “OMG I’m about to cum!”  Yeah, now that I think about it I will pass.

Hmm…maybe they are taking my age too much into account, I don’t feel the need for a Waterproof Turbo Stroker.  I can still work the arm, even in the shower, although a shower rail to lean against would be nice.  Still, Orgasmic 3-Speed Stroker is Better Than Your Hand, is hard (ha) to pass up.  I wonder if my arms would atrophy if I stopped whacking off, because after whacking off the only other exercise my arms gets is lifting up the remote, picking up food, and playing video games, wait that is my thumbs.  I am in sad shape.  :(

This is looking less good by the page, I have zero interest in a Four Hour Blowjob, even if there are 22 Cock-Hungry Babes giving me Spit-Flying Blowjobs.  Hell that just sounds gross, don’t let the spit fly, keep the spit where it should be.  Four hours, ouch, and would there be bathroom and food breaks?  Something to consider.  What’s worse is the underware, I don’t wear underware, not even The No Fly Zone that will Keep My Business Intact.  I have news for you Adam and Eve, my business is always intact.  I even have two pairs of nut comfortable pants.  I really am getting the feeling that this was less of a personal card-catalog to me and more of another sales pitch.

Well…I forgive you Adam and Eve I was mistaken.  You do get me, we have been looking for a Little Black Thong, Wireless Remote Panty that Buzzes With 10+ Speeds.  Sure I want to know if the + is 11, 12, 13, or warp-speed, but we have been looking for something like this.  I always enjoy a good chuckle and I know that Adam and Eve gets me, Grandma’s A Lesbo, Granny Put Down Her Knittin’ To Pick Up Pussy!  Now that is some funny shit.

Thank you for the birthday wish Adam and Eve.

You may now resume your hysterical blindness from the last Toy Story.

Toy Story: Where Do I Get This Job?

08 Oct 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Sex Thought, Toy Story Tags: , , , , ,

I have said this before and I will say this again; I admire the individuals that are responsible for the descriptions in any adult catalog.  That’s right folks the latest Adam and Eve catalog showed up at our doorstep and this one is filled with fun little goodies…well fun to me.  I don’t know how you get the job to write all of the descriptions, but I want that job.  Never have I read such tightly written text.  Don’t believe me, you try writing a page full of descriptions to porn videos in a way that combines humor, sex, and information.  Let me know when you do, because I would like to see.  I wonder if they have to watch the videos and try out the toys before they write up the text?  Now that sounds like an awesome job…for the first few months, then I imagine boredom sets in, “Ass Grannies 5, how original.  Let the new guy have this one.”

So where do I begin?  Some advice might be good, never ever read your porn catalog while on the toilet if you find humor in the writing.  That is some sound advice.

I have to say that I was not aware of celebrity endorsements in the sex toy industry until today.  I knew about “Made from Sasha Grey’s pussy” or “Life-like,” but did you know that Skid Row drummer Phil Varone endorses the Pierced Rocker cockring?  Pierced Rocker cockring, Screw Like a Rock Star!  I wonder if that is what Phil was thinking when he signed the dotted line for that, “Man I felt like a rockstar when I was wearing that thing.”  Who is he again?

Personally, I love reading the video descriptions; Pretty Tied Up; A Tale of Bondage and SEX! because if you don’t have the and SEX! what you have is someone tied up, left on the floor or bed, and the camera running until they either get out or someone comes back and unties them.  Masculinity DVD, Masculine Men Penetrate Asses!  Straight from the text; Kent Larson pumps deep into his boyfriend’s tight muscled ass until he’s ready to explode!  At least I know what I will be getting into when this one goes into the DVD player.  Prior to that, it could’ve been a video about construction workers.  MeeOw! Purring Pussies Lick Each Other To Ecstasy!  Now that sounds hot. If you were thinking this was a video about a bunch of cats sitting around cleaning themselves and each other, which by the way I know a few women who would watch that, you were wrong.  This is actually about 22 frisky femmes pleasuring each other with tongues, fingers, sex toys, and more.  Wonder what the more is?

A quick collection of titles that tickled my fancy, Everybody Loves Big Boobies Vol. 6, damn I missed big boobies 1 thru 5. Big Fat MILF’s 2, Scale Bustin’ MILFS With Lust To Match!  I admit that the title is offensive, but still you have to admire that there is an audience for everyone.  My Friend’s Hot Mom 28, Soccer Moms Score Big!  Not sure about this one here in the USA where nobody watches soccer.  Diesel Dongs 20, just because the title made my laugh out loud.  Pegging 5: A Strap-On Love Story, Babes Turn the Tables and Peg Their Guys.  Given that this is billed as a love story and part of a series you have to wonder exactly where the story is at this point, is the hero about to rise?

Finally to wrap up this joy ride of delicious titles and text I present to you Banging Granny’s Pussy, 5 Hours of Sex Lovin’ Cock-Crazed Seniors!  They say you’re only as old as you feel and our cast of GILFS feel very, very young -thanks to all that juicy cock!

You may go hysterically blind now.

Toy Story: What the Fuck?

08 Sep 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Toy Story Tags: , , , , ,

I was skipping for joy back to our place when I saw the latest porn catalog in our mail box.  Talk about discrete; ORDER NOW!  Adult content!  Free DVD’s with order.  Eh, I don’t care what our mail person thinks.  Nor do I care about the looks from the people as I skip by holding my catalog promising untold adult pleasures and delights.  They are just jealous.  Then…

I open up the envelope and staring me in the face is the porn version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Uh.  Something’s not right here.  She does kind of look like Buffy, but in a more whoreish less slayerish way.  I think that is supposed to be Spike in the corner, but his vacuous look mirrors the vacuous look on the guy on the other side who I have no idea who he is supposed to be.  Maybe their cover shoot got photo-bombed.  That must be what happened.  Still I am worried.

Page three and a wheel fell of the my wagon of adult joy.  I am staring at what I can only describe as a shiny, see-through, plastic looking pair of men’s tighty-whiteys (only see through) and there is a blue circle where a dick should go.  What?  Let me read. “Look & perform at your best!”  that sounds good.  “Combining sex toys and underwear, this revealing jock (jock?  looks like undies to me) supports and enhances your dick!  The jock features an elastic waistband (good, no falling off) with a snug-fitting ring that limits blood flow to boost the girth of your shaft-just like a cock ring.”  That sound, that was another wheel falling off.  So I put this on and my dick goes through this hole, but instead of peeking his head out like he would normally do (isn’t that cute he is looking around) my dick goes through the hole and gets strangled until he stands at attention all girthy like.  What pants do I wear with that?

Let me look around a bit, the Avengers?  Is that She-Hulk being reamed by Thor?  What is happening with Scarlet Witch?  My EYES!

Flip the page.

No fucking way!

The Fifty-Shadification of Porn has happened.  This is a travesty!  I knew in my heart that seeing the Fifty-Shadification of porn would happen I just hoped that it wouldn’t happen until I was dead.  Is this a sign that my time is up?  Ugh.  For those who don’t know what I am talking about, Fifty-Shades is everywhere; coffee cups, T-shirts, BLOGS (ha), mouse pads (does anyone have those), lingerie, and even Pure Romance.  When Pure Romance picked  up the theme I knew that was them just being money-grubbing douche bags as the BDSM lifestyle is not something that the “women” (I used quotes because the company is actually run by men, fascinating story how that happened by the way) of Pure Romance actually espouse.  Trust me.   When my porn goes Fifty-Shades, one of the gates of hell has opened and another wheel fell off.  Porn inspired Fifty-Shades NOT the other way around.

What is worse is that nothing on the two-page spread has anything to do with the books.  Not the bondage tape (avoid by the way), not the “Thong Hides Your Cock Until the Moment’s Right” which looks like a fake dick electrical tapped to this poor man’s crotch, and most definitely not the “bondage” videos.  I would cry as the bondage section was one of my favorite sections, but I guess if the devil is real it’s better that he/she show his/her face where I can see it and then flip the page.

Whew, nothing else unusual until…Flame Thrower Cockring; “Hot Cock Ring Sets Your Sex Life on Fire!” Cute idea a flame red mini-vibe and a set of detachable flames, but the sharp edges and points on the flames scream to me that someone I am screwing is going to be screaming at me.  [sigh]

The catalog is on the other side of the room.  I threw it there.  The catalog has offended me.  The final wheel of the adult fun bus fell off when I found Fifty-Shades of Gray for sale.

Shivelbush!

Answering the ?’s You Search For Again

31 Jul 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Answering the ?s Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Hello, I am your Research Monkey.  Today I am going to answer more of the questions that you are searching here for.  Seriously, why are you searching here?  Isn’t it clear that my boss doesn’t know anything beyond dick and fart jokes.  To be honest, I have never heard a dick and fart joke from him so he may not even know that.  However, since I am a Research Monkey the task to answer your questions that you searched for falls upon my shoulders.  The questions and a few statements that caught my attention are presented as I found them.

FSU Vibrator

I don’t know about this one, but my guess is that even though Ferris State University seems more than willing to put their name and bulldog logo on everything, I don’t think that they will be putting the name or logo on a vibrator anytime soon.   However, when I put my marketing hat on, a vibrator with FSU along the length and the bulldog image would be quite a thing to buy.  Gag gift, personal usage or what have you, what student or alumni wouldn’t want to own The Bulldog?

This card does not contain any nudity or naughty language

How this search term lead here I will never know.  There is plenty of nudity and naughty language.  I suggest that you try your local corner store, big box store or Hallmark shop for the card you are looking for.

Kinky stuff to do during sex with a guy

Mrs. Research Monkey suggests the following moves: Cracking the Coconuts, Stinkbug and Peeling the Banana Without Using Your Hands.

Pistol panties

Um…

The house is a mess, but I am enjoying the ‘kinky fuckery’

Both I and Mrs. Research Monkey say congrats, but please at some point take a break and clean up the mess.

What guidelines for talking in class

If you are called upon you may talk.  If you talk when you have not been called upon you better have something damn good to say or a really funny joke.

Boyfriend doesn’t want me to get a vibrator and threatens to get a pocket pussy

Get the vibrator.  I am pretty sure that his threat is just that, a threat.  Unless, you and he have a really weak grip in which case I recommend the pocket pussy to work out those hand muscles.  Think of the pocket pussy as less of a sexual aid and more like a towel you use to get a better grip on a stubborn lid.

Can my post have the same category and tag

Yes.  If you do not believe me, check the many posts of mine that have the same category and tag.

If you are wearing a ball gag do you drool

Yes, you will drool.  How much you drool is dependent upon your normal levels of saliva.  Thus, I suggest that you try out a ball gag and monitor the amount of drool that you produce.

Should my wife let me use a pocket pussy

If she is mad at you is what Mrs. Research Monkey says.  I say only if there is a grippage issue, otherwise save yourself the money.

Should men wear cockrings while wrestling

The answer to this question is dependent upon the type of wrestling that you are performing.  In general, for competition I would say no unless you are looking to poke your opponent in inappropriate ways during the match.  As always, check with the referee and rules manuals before deciding to use any non-traditional accessories.

What to do about those annoying eyebrow hairs that just won’t go down

Mrs. Research Monkey suggests shellac.  I am a fan of ignoring them and letting people wonder if I am lazy, eccentric or crazy.  If neither of those options appeal to you, pluck them with your fingers or tweezers.

Why do my balls and ass get numb when I sit

They get numb because you are sitting on them, stand up.  I would suggest that you seek medical attention if the ball and ass numbage is a problem.  Do not use WebMD as they will scare the shit out of you and you will still end up seeing a doctor.

Are you supposed to watch porn while using a pocket pussy

There have been a lot of questions and inquires about pocket pussies this month.  As always, I will refer you to the following, if you have a weak grip, then yes use a pocket pussy otherwise save yourself the money.

That’s all for this month’s Answering the ?’s You Search For…pistol panties indeed.

Toy Story Pardon Me, But Is Your Crotch Vibrating?

17 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Toy Story Tags: , ,

Yippie, they have not banished us to the land of people who don’t get toy catalogs.  I was worried, but fear not they have not forgotten us.  This time the catalog is chock full of videos, but I did manage to find some fun stuff hidden amongst the endless promotions for World Hottest Grandmas 2: Hot & Horny Grannies Seduce Younger Studs, Creamy in the Middle: Creampies Don’t Come Sweeter Than This and Squirt-A-Holics: So Much Squirt Action-You’ll Need Flood Insurance.

If I was a man who wore underware I would want to wear some of the underware that women get to wear.  Now I do think as I age a pair of granny undies might give my butt that lift that it needs, but that can wait for another decade or two before I decide to go that route.  As it is now my butt is FINE with a capital F.  I have always thought that a thong worn backwards would be a good look for me and good for the butt and balls; keep those fuckers separated; separation of Church and State, what you don’t name your balls, that is just sad.  However that is not what I am talking about.  I am talking about the Little Black Thong which has a vibrating bullet in the crotch, I assume placed just so, and what’s more is that it comes with a remote.  Holy Shit, the damn things come with 10+ speeds.  What is more than 10 in speeds?  Warp?  Hyperdrive? Let me tell you that just screams fun, embarassment and the potential for some hilarity.

I would have to wear them backwards, I wouldn’t want the bullet in the wrong place, although I have been told by some homosexual or gay, which sounds better, men that I have known that maybe I should give it a try, after all they find it fun.  That aside, once getting the bullet in place I can just let that little bullet vibe do a number on my nuts until I am completely frothy.  Like a milkshake or that foam that they put on top of overpriced coffees.  I’m sure if I made that swwooosh noise when I came that it would be…well odd and frightening.  Might have to rethink that.

Still standing in line somewhere with the remote and turn it on, because you know it is not going to be discret.  Search my pockets for my phone.  Pull out my phone, the whole time my junk is going BUUUUuuuuuuuuzzzzzz and then comment loudly, “Well damn my phone is not on vibrate.  Is it yours?”  See now that is funny to me.

I wonder though if I left it on to long would my balls go numb.  We know a woman whose pussy goes numb if she sits for to long.  I wonder if I would finally get what she was talking about.  Doubtful as it would be my balls, which last time I checked are not a pussy.  Or what happened if the bullet shifted and my taint went numb.  Would the numbness spread to my balls and ass?  Holy shit suddenly lose feeling in both regions at the same time.  I might be working overtime to shift that particular weggie out, public spectacle or not.  I had my ass fall asleep once, it made walking really interesting until the feeling came back.  In case you didn’t know your ass is important to walking or at least feeling like you are walking normal and not doing the Ministry of Silly Walks from Monty Python.  You don’t know what I am talking about…FUCK ALL…watch some British comedy!

Then there is the fun that Barb and I could have with the remote.  Yeah, I know the Black Buzz Thong of Genital Numbness was designed for her, but damnit until they manage to fit a pocket pussy or even better a pumping, thrusting, wet, vibrating pocket pussy into a pair of underware I have to roll with what I got.  Besides women get ALL of the sex toys, at least the fun ones, men only get to hold them.  Ass.  Wait.  As I think about it the pocket pussy underware would be a big seller and definitely beat the noose around the junk attached to the thigh or neck…let me guess nobody knows about that either…ARGH!

Anyway back to us out in public when my junk begins to buzz and I can’t do shit about it other than pretend that nothing is going on.  I am good at giving the “What!” look at people, so that would be my prefered method of dealing with the stares or to ask if it was their phone.  If she got me when I was sitting on a metal or wood chair it would be like a woodpecker (HA) going off…ratatatatatatat.   Holy shit the fun I we could have on a dance floor…I will just let you imagine that…stop crying, at least I didn’t spend 840 words talking about Fatty Patty Jumbo Love Doll: Large, In Charge ‘n’ Ready to Please You!

Toy Story Review Time

24 Feb 2012 4 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Toy Story Tags: , , , , ,

I am feeling better.  What I am not feeling is funny.  Then again I’m not sure if funny is something that you should feel, afterall most people who think they are funny are not.  I guess what I am getting at is that I would like to write up something funny, I’m just not feeling it.  Did that make sense?

At least I know how to type “correctly” though.  :)   [see here to get the joke http://mdarinyoung.wordpress.com/2012/02/24/learning-to-type-the-right-way/#comment-5]

Something I have been giving some consideration to is a proposal made by Chris (no Amber he isn’t going Mormon or on the down-low).  He was pondering, once again, what he wants to do with his life and since being a monkey wrangler is out due to the cost of monkeys and monkey food he is thinking about starting up a review site.  He mentioned entertainment, you know stuff that entertains you.  I used to do reviews for entertainment stuff in the ramblings of old.  Unfortunately my version of timely, was usually six months to a year after something came out.

Still if I can write a review how I want to, then I’m all for it and who knows since I find sex entertaining maybe I could review sex stuff.  After all wouldn’t you like to know about that scented lube, that caused Barb to break out in a rash or the $200 fifteen speed “Blender” vibrator that caused my hand to go to sleep and then caused greivous “personal trauma” to Barb because I couldn’t hold onto it?  I know I would.  Hell, even I write this I can think of all sorts of stuff that I could review and pieces of advice to give, such as if you get the sex swing make sure you have a place to hang it first.

Plus, like having children so we don’t look wierd going to Toy’s R Us, this would be the perfect excuse to order all sorts of stuff.  I could order that “Fatty Patty” coitous substitute doll and then review it; “Once I got done recovering from being light headed from inflating Fatty Patty, I decided to hop on and give her a ride.  After jumping up and down on her six or seven times I have to say that she is very durable.  A few minutes of going over her I found no leaks and much to my surprise three different places where I could store objects.” 

If we ever got our gimp I could review even more stuff, “The seven zipper hood sure was cool looking…if you really liked Michael Jackson’s Thriller period…without meaning to I managed to pinch Gimp’s lips in the zippers and I’m pretty sure an ear tip was lost as well.  I give this a limp dick rating.”

Screw those parties where the women gather around to look at sex toys that they won’t buy in front of their friends unless they get blitzed.  My sex toy review parties would be on par with Roman Orgies of old.  Hot damn.  I am really liking this review idea of Chris’s.  I can even read books and watch movies just to give it some variety, “Amatuer Ass Angels XXVIII certainly was fun to watch…if you dig homely women with pimpled butts and deity knows what else going on down there, getting vigorously plowed up the Keiber Pass for over three hours.  Sure in high defintion it was just like being there, but I wasn’t nearly as drunk as I would’ve been in real life to be there with any of those women.”

I think I may have a career when I grow up.

Toy Story Choke-n-Stroke

12 Jan 2012 4 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Toy Story Tags: , ,

It pounds, it twists, it turns, hell it may even chop and dice.  It’s made out of TPR.  What is it?  Why do you need one?  I’m here tell you why and you will run out to your mail box, waiting with barely contained anticipation for this device that will change your life or at least your penis and hands.

That’s right folks they toy catalog showed up this afternoon and I couldn’t be happier.  Of course this puts the other blogs on the back burner, but I will make the safe assumption (I know never assume anything you make an ass out of you and umption, but guess what they have lube and a buttplug for that) that you would rather read about the latest sexual device designed to enhance your sexlife or cause you endless amount of embarassment when someone finds your collection of World Hottest Grandmas 1 and 2 (Yes it is World, not World’s).  Congrats by the way to the proud owner of 1 and 2 here’s hoping you are over 65 with a steady supply of heart pills and viagra.

I normally make fun of them and the limp or weak wristed fellows that have to use them or deity forbid want to use them, but I gotta be honest; I saw a couple of pocket pussies that got me thinking.  Pounds Your Boner Into Orgamsic Submission, this spaceage wonder of plastic, metal and a motor looks like a jackhammer that you stick your dick in and then it pounds the shit out of the head.  Now having smacked and having had the head of my pecker smacked a couple of times this does not sound like a good time, but if you were really lonely, very drunk and curious I can see how someone would think to themselves, “Maybe?  What’s the worse that could happen?” Well I will tell you, this $80 wonder could get stuck in full-on batter-your-peckerhead-speed and beat you until it wasn’t the purple-headed warrior in jest only.  Fight Club for your cock?  I’m not so sure.

After you get out of the emergency room and with a new respect for having your boner pounded on, but not undaunted by the thought of sticking you dick into something plastic how about this: Rotating Sensations for Perfect Stroking?  Everyone knows what a Slap-Chop looks like, right?  If you don’t here is a quick visual, you have a small canister that is placed over the top of whatever it is that you want to chop, then like a monkey pounding the fuck out of button to get a treat, you pound on the top of the Slap-Chop like you were really pissed off at whatever is under it.  The blades slice down, cut up the substance and the more frantic you are on the top of the Slap-Chop the more demolished whatever is under the canister becomes.  So picture that on your errection?  Well fine, no blades or at least none in the description.  Instead you get what appears to be a nice selection of beads.  With seven rotation patterns and five speeds it won’t be to long before rotation 3 and speed 5 sends you back to the ER with what the nurses can only horrifyingly call the pretzel-twist dick.  Hopefully, the doctor, assures you that they can untwist your dick.  Once they figure out how to unscrew this modified Slap-Chop off your cock.  Is your insurance good?

It’s been a few weeks.  You have been pounded and twisted into submission.  Thus you have a healthy, maybe even fearful, respect for mechanical contraptions that promise orgasmic bliss while doing things that only the Spanish Inquisition and the Marquis de Sade thought were fun on a slow Saturdy night.  However, you are still lonely and your weak grip just isn’t doing it, “I do it like they said in the books and yet my hand keeps falling off?”  Sad, yes it is, but thankfully you spot something wonderous it will do your cock and grip some good. Grows Your Cock AND Measures It, Too!  Holy shit I can work out my hand squeezing the end of a turkey baster while watching my dick get HUGE with a capital H and it is made out of TPR (Totally Pussy Resistant) well that does seem to be something you and the device have in common.  It comes with a digital display to show how many PSI I have gotten my dick up too, awesome.  Well, your tires go up to 35 pounds surely your dick can go bigger.  Did you hear that POP?  What is that slow hiss?  Welcome back to the ER.

They managed to re-inflate your pecker to something resembling normal and you have had enough with the mechanical and complicated.  Oh, look a vibrating pocket pussy.  Just a simple sleeve that looks like a mouth, that’s cute, with a vibrating ring around the middle.  Made out of Fanta Flesh, that sounds neat, since you haven’t felt anything resembling flesh yet this could be a good thing.  Besides look at it all flesh colored with bright pink lips on both ends, what could go wrong?

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