Two To Go: Plenty For You To Respond To

01 May 2013 4 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Deep Thought Tags: , , , , ,

SpongebobHappy 14th Anniversary Spongebob!

Well that’s all I have for today.

Fine, I have a few more things.

I spoke to My Man in Calcutta, once he is done with his finals, he will be getting back to work on the electrical and plumbing for the closet.  Plus, he has a list of all of your suggestions.  To which he said, “That’s all?  This will be an awfully small house.”  I think he would like more suggestions for the ultimate sex house.  If you have any suggestions, post them in the comments suggestion. I haven’t seen him this determined since he got that rash…oh I’m not supposed to write that. Sure, I will remove that before I hit publish.

For the 800th Post Extravaganza, which will be in two posts, I thought I would open…wait maybe some background and a link would be more appropriate.  A while back someone said to me, “I would really like to be able to ask you any question,” still not sure why they felt they couldn’t but I said go ahead and then I opened up the blog for that by asking the people I knew, “If they could ask me any question or questions what would they be.”  That be came this blog.

So now that you have read that blog and those questions, do you think you can do better? Do you have something that you have really wanted to know?  Ask away.  I can’t promise that I will answer all of them, but I will certainly give it a better than Ferris State University try. Ha! I even fit a college joke in. :)

I was going over the prompts from Mrs. Fever, speaking of which where are those erotica prompts (or for that matter anyone else who might have a prompt for erotica), for the Extravaganza and one stood out, a fantasy from Barb or myself or both.  I like the both angle, so I am working on that.  Unfortunately, as I have mentioned before this is the last week before finals and infectious disease is on her mind which does not make for good fantasies, unless they are of the “What I would like my worst enemy to be infected with” variety.  So while we work through this week and next I thought I would share a dream or goal of mine.

gary-snailWhy dream or goal?  Well for whatever reason the fantasy got me thinking about what I would like to do with my future.  Not so old that I don’t have time to make up new things that I want to do for the next while.  Alas I don’t seem to have a plan anymore.  I wanted to own a hobby shop, but standing around in a small business that is gathering dust because I dare to sell books, dice, and other table-top gaming seems like a bad or end of life idea.  What talents do I have or like to do?

Well there is this blogging thing, but honestly I have no clue how to turn this into something that makes money.  More importantly I don’t know IF I would ever want to turn blogging, especially this blog, into something that even resembled work.  Yes, I am aware of the rather work-like nature that I apply towards my blogs, but…well it’s not work to me.  I do like the idea of turning some of what I have written on the blog into books, e-books, or whatever passes for books this day and age.  However, I am painfully aware that writers do not make a lot of money, not even when they are dead, anymore.

That leaves cooking and sex.  I can cook, but I am not a trained cook.  Nor do I want to go get that training.  I am very happy to learn, experiment, and grow as a cook on my own in my own haphazard fashion.  Plus at my age I don’t think I would want to spend long hours in a kitchen making the same dishes day after day.  That leaves sex…while I sense a lot of job satisfaction I don’t see a lot of work coming my way…wait…damn it.

A Busy Day and A Paper

23 Apr 2013 5 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Deep Thought Tags: , , ,

Note from Management: If you notice the time I just got in, got sat down, for the first real amount of time today.  Classes, meetings, and life have kept me very busy.  I had another “mind” post for today, but I was kept busy.  The only thing of significance I achieved today was this paper.  No, I don’t expect you to read it. :)

The Cultural Significance of Spongebob Squarepants

I love Spongebob Squarepants.  My children love Spongebob Squarepants.  Most children when asked, love Spongebob.  Most adults when asked, either love or hate Spongebob.  There is no middle ground in how adults feel about Spongebob.

“He is not allowed in my house!”-Kristy

“I love how the show has stuff for adults.”-Mark

“That Squidward looks like a giant penis offends me!”-Sarah

“What?”-Everyone who heard the above comment.

Spongebob is a cultural phenomenon that has in 14 years expanded well beyond the show’s meager beginnings on Nickelodeon. Premiering May 1999, Spongebob is now wrapping up their 10th season with an 11th season guaranteed.  With over 100 15-minute episodes, two full length feature movies, and three half-hour specials, Spongebob Squarepants has been on television longer than many other “mainstream” shows.  Combine all of the programing with the twice daily, two to three hour block rotation and Spongebob is watched more often by children than the nightly news is watched by adults and this is just in the United States.  Spongebob Squarepants has been translated for and is seen in over 15 different countries. (Wikipedia. (n.d.) Spongebob Squarepants. Retrieved from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spongebob)

I should back up a bit.  What or who is Spongebob Squarepants?  After all there are people who do not know or refuse to know. Spongebob Squarepants is an animated television show on the Nickelodeon channel.  Each half-hour show consists of two fifteen-minute long episodes.  Unlike most television shows there is almost no continuity between any of the episodes beyond the characters and the occasional reference to a past event.  Bikini Bottom, the fictional home of Spongebob, has been destroyed numerous times with no effect on the rest of the show.  The next                         episode Bikini Bottom is always.

The main character of the show is Spongebob Squarepants.  Spongebob is a square yellow sponge who wears brown square pants, and lives in a pineapple.  Simple enough.  He talks in a loud voice, whines, cries, and openly displays emotions without regard to the reactions of the world around him.  Spongebob is not an educated sponge, unless you take into account his prodigious knowledge about the Krusty Krab and Kraby Patties.  Or the single episode where he learned all that there was to know about boating.  Or that one episode where he had his brain wiped clean to know all that there was to know about being the best server ever.  Actually, just focus on the Krusty Krab where Spongebob works.  He loves his job.  He is rarely late to work, always stays late, never complains, and works harder than the other employee Squidward.  Spongebob treats the customers with respect, and above all loves to cook Kraby Patties.

Spongebob’s best friend is Patrick Star.  Patrick is a pink starfish who wears green Hawaiian style shorts and lives under a rock, his home.  Saying that Patrick is not smart is a generous statement.  His one consistent and considerable talent is not thinking.  Well that and going jelly fishing with Spongebob.  Jelly fishing is when Patrick and Spongebob chase jellyfish in Jellyfish Fields with nets.  After catching the jellyfish they release the jellyfish unharmed.  As not smart as Patrick appears to be, he is a voice of wisdom on the show.  Often saying at the right moment the right words for the situation be those words inspirational, observational, or just funny.

“Yay! I love being purple.”-Patrick Star, Spongebob Movie

Squidward lives in-between Spongebob and Patrick in a giant Easter Island head.  Squidward is a squid, although if you count his limbs he is closer to an octopus.  He has a bulbous nose, a superior attitude, in his eyes he is cultured when compared to everyone else, works at the Krusty Krab, and in his own words “hates Spongebob.”  Squidward believes that he is the only cultured individual in Bikini Bottom.  Unless you count his rival Squilliam Fancyson.  Squidward paints, plays the clarinet, dances “correctly”, and watches Fancy and Fit until the show was canceled. To say that Squidward works is an injustice to the word work, he stands at the register, looks down his nose at all of the customers, does less than what is required, and when he can Squidward sleeps or reads cultured magazines on the job.

Mister Krabs is the owner of the Krusty Krab.  Mister. Krabs is a red crab who lives in a giant anchor with his daughter Pearl, who happens to be a whale.  Yes, a whale.  Mister Krabs cares about one thing money.  If a penny falls on the floor he will and has wrestled anyone, no matter their size or species, for the penny.  He loves money so much that he signed away his soul to the Flying Dutchman and gave away Spongebob for 69 cents. During one episode he was granted his wish that his money could talk to him.  Frequently Spongebob will bust into his office for an emergency only to find Mister Krabs having a candle lit dinner with a stack of money, taking a bath in a pool of money, or having to look for Mister Krabs around a giant pile of money on his desk.  After money Mister Krabs cares about the secret recipe for the Kraby Patty that he co-created with Plankton, his rival and nemesis.  The only reason he cares about the secret recipe is because without the Kraby Patty he would have no money.

Sandy Cheeks is the resident scientist and lone female character with any significant airtime.  Sandy is a squirrel from Texas, who wears a diving suit with a giant fish bowl over her head.  She is extremely smart, an accomplished scientist, rodeo rider, and karate expert.  Sandy is closest to Spongebob, providing a feminine and educated voice to the show.  Sandy does not tolerate any bashing of Texas or women.  Even being known for “feeling” when Spongebob insulted women when she was far away only to drive her point home at the end of the episode.

Gary is a snail and Spongebob’s pet.  Gary makes cat noises, and when compared to Spongebob is smarter, worldlier, and wiser.  Gary taught Spongebob how to tie his shoes when he forgot how to, and frequently shows that even creatures or people without a voice can make themselves heard and are not to be ignored.  The best example is when Gary was forced to take part in a pet show.  Frustrated that Spongebob was not listening to him Gary led the other pets in rebellion casting off the costumes their owners forced them to wear and freeing themselves.

At this point you are probably wondering at what possible cultural significance there could be in Spongebob just based on those barebones descriptions of Spongebob and his friends.  Well each of the characters occupies a social role or way of being that is easy to recognize.  For example, Mister Krabs is a successful business krab and greedy and Squidward is cultured and vain.  To children and adults are stereotypical, if exaggerated, ways of behaving along with ways to  respond to these behaviors, people, and the world around them.  These easy to recognize stereotypes and traits make Spongebob accessible to anyone.

If that was not clear enough, let me put this to you in the following way, the show has been on television for a uniterrupted14 years.  Even for a four year period when they did not produce new episodes, Spongebob was on the air, on Nickelodeon, one of the most popular channels for children.  Spongebob and the cast of Bikini bottom have been influencing children with a positive philosophy of living for that long.  Millions of children. (Wikipedia. (n.d.) Spongebob Squarepants. Retrieved from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spongebob)

OH NO!  You say that a cartoon about a talking sponge has been influencing the behavior and thinking of children for 14 years.  Yes I say and I say positively influencing children for that long as well.  That can’t be!  Well some people have tried to prove that indeed that can’t be.

Spongebob has been subject to accusations that he is a homosexual.  Primarily, due to his singing, which he does often, his close friendship with Patrick, and his sometimes goofy gender bending behavior.  Why anyone would need to assign a sexuality to a sponge is beyond me…he is a sponge and everyone knows that sponges are asexual. (Wikipedia. (n.d.) Spongebob Squarepants. Retrieved from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spongebob)

When Spongebob’s sexuality was not in question, the bigger issue was his affect on the children who watched the show.  Does watching Spongebob cause behavioral issues?  Does watching Spongebob make children stupid?  Does watching Spongebob lead to children watching harder cartoons in darkened rooms?  In 2011, a University of Virginia study was released too much fanfare that stated that just watching nine minutes of Spongebob caused four-year old children to do worse on tests immediately after watching the nine minutes of Spongebob than children who had not watched any Spongebob.  In spite of the well-publicized results the reality was much different. (Christian Science Monitor (2011, September 12). Spongebob study: Do fast-paced cartoons impair kid’s thinking? Retrieved from http://www.csmonitor.com/Science/2011/0912/SpongeBob-study-Do-fast-paced-cartoons-impair-kids-thinking)

The study’s size was extremely small, under 50 children altogether.  The children were all from the same socio-economical background.  The tests the children were given were activities such as coloring or stacking.  Given the typical episode length of 15 minutes only allowing the children to watch 9 minutes should be considered as a factor for poor behavior and test taking. Finally, the children were four-years old that alone should have been a factor, as the show is not aimed at children that young.

Even while under attack Spongebob grew from the boundaries of a television show.  Today Spongebob and friends can be found in books, magazines, as stickers, as toys, as games, as crystal studded jewelry that sells for hundreds of dollars (Zales. (n.d.) Spongebob crystal square pendant in sterling silver. Retrieved from http://www.zales.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3875279 ), holiday themed decorations and doodads, clothing, apparel, fast food toys, Duck Tape, video games, and even a couple of amusement park rides in Six Flags Over Texas, Mall of America, and even a 15-minute long show at the Chicago Shed Aquarium.  A person can go anywhere and find someone or many someone’s who will talk about Spongebob…good or bad.

But why?  Why has Spongebob become so popular?  The show is a clever mix that appeals to children and adults.  Children love the vibrant colors, the action, the music, and the simple messages that are in every episode. Adults who love Spongebob find the hidden humor aimed at them; clever turns of a phrase, interactions between the characters, and yes even the simple messages that are in every episode.

What messages am I talking about?  Spongebob only makes noise, usually loud and whiny sounding noises.  If you are looking for a highbrow, deep thinking approach to Spongebob I highly suggest that you read Spongebob Squarepants and Philosophy: Soaking Up Secrets Under the Sea by Joseph J. Foy where several philosophers from different backgrounds discuss the deeper meaning behind Spongebob and Bikini bottom.  Each essay is written around a theme or character of the show using a specific philosophy that shows how Spongebob is not just a simple children’s show about nothing.  However, I think that the simple messages are the messages that resonate the most with people.

Some of the messages are:

  • Always see something new every day.  No matter what you think there is something new to be seen. Sometimes though you have to look really hard.
  • Love your job.  Love what you do for a living.  Doesn’t matter what the job is to other people, it only matters what the job is to you.
  • Money comes and money goes.  Money only has the value you place on it.
  • Your dumbest friend is actually a lot smarter than you think.
  • Sometimes it pays to turn your brain off for a day.
  • Do something fun no matter what other people think of you.
  • Fun can be found anywhere and at any time.
  • Ask questions no matter how stupid someone else thinks they are.  The question was important enough for you to think of it, so ask it.
  • Believe that something good is around the corner, it makes the tough times easier and makes the fun times more colorful.
  • A smile beats a frown.
  • Stand up for what you believe.
  • Stand up for your friends.
  • Be there for your friends and family.

What you don’t believe me that each of those messages can be found in an episode of Spongebob?  Perhaps you aren’t paying attention. Let me give you another example from Spongebob: Every day no matter what happens to Spongebob he looks forward to going to work at the Krusty Krab.  Even after his house was destroyed, he got lost, and Squidward yelled at him for playing another round of door slam, Spongebob went to work with a smile on his face.  He worked his shift.  He made his food with a smile on his face and a song on his lips.  At the end of the day he went home satisfied and happy.  How many of you will be able to say that?  There is at least one lesson in there-love your job.  Unfortunately, many adults focus on the loud, screaming, crying, and singing sponge rather than the message behind the sponge.  Children they may not get the message directly, but they pick up on the message regardless.

The cultural importance of Spongebob is not through the merchandise, the theme parks, or even the jewelry.  The cultural importance of Spongebob is expressed through the smiles put on faces, the laughs at the images and jokes, and the simple message…no the simple philosophy of living that has crossed over into the wider world: Smile, laugh, see something new every day, love your job, do not be afraid, and with the help from your friends anything can be done-even moving an entire city out of the way of an Alaskan Bull Worm.

Finally, I leave you with one last message: Always remember to feed your snail.

Good Deed Good Service

06 Feb 2013 4 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Daily Thought Tags: , , ,

“He’s tall maybe he will help,” the older and obviously shorter than me woman said to her husband as I walked by.

Thus I found myself, by the benefit of being taller than them, getting an effusive amount of thank you’s from both of them after being able to reach the top shelf.  I was glad to be tall.

From being tall we went to lunch at Ruby Tuesday.  I would not normally write about lunch around here especially lunch at the Big Rapids Ruby Tuesday, but today was special.  Our only visit previous to this one, was not a good experience.  Bad server and overpriced, undersized food would sum up our feelings.  However, for some reason I had a vibe to give the restaurant another try.  I trust my vibes, good and bad.

If you are in Big Rapids I want you to go to Ruby Tuesday and ask for Mark to be your server.  If you are willing to talk to him, and happen to be a fan of the following:

  • SpongeBob (I had some SpongeBob magnets with me)
  • Marvel (I was wearing a cast of Marvel comics T-shirt)
  • Have an answer to the debate Spiderman vs Batman (the conversation just started up)
  • Dark Knight (this was an offshoot of the above conversation)
  • Bane (another offshoot of the Spiderman vs Batman conversation)
  • Minecraft (because he was telling us about what he was learning from his younger siblings)

Then you will find Mark to be an extremely pleasant server.  If you are not a fan of these things he will still be one of the best servers that you will ever have.  Not since Sam at Sakura, our favorite sushi restaurant, which was over two-years ago, have we had this level of service.  He made us feel good.  Not delivered us our food and left, but made us feel like he was happy to serve us.  He went over the top, we never had to ask for anything.  He sent us home with a desert that he recommended, and take home drinks.  How many times has a waiter brought to you take home drinks BEFORE handing you the check?  I was very glad to have met him.  Talked to him about comics, Batman, and everything else.  My girl even gave him two thumbs up.  We were glad to give him a 30% tip.  He was worth the money.  So if you are in Big Rapids and find yourself at Ruby Tuesday ask for Mark.

Oh, in case you want a suggestion for food, the BBQ Burger was orgasmic.

As a transition, I want to end with some “business.”

  • There are only 9 more days to answer the Reader Response questions, before I take them down and start formulating blogs from the answers that have already been given.
  • I sent out sex/sexuality interview questions to everyone who sent me their email address.  If you did send me an email address and did not get the questions please contact me.  If you would like to volunteer please contact me, there is no cut off date at the moment.  The link is to a copy of the questions if you want to see them first.
  • A few people have already sent me their answers.  Thank you.  I am looking forward to hearing back from many of you.

Finally, thank you to every reader without you this would just be me writing to myself.

A New Year’s Eve Answering the ?s You Search For

31 Dec 2012 6 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Answering the ?s Tags: , , , , , , ,

Research MonkeyHello, I am your Research Monkey and on the last day of your calendar year I am here to answer the questions that you have searched for to end up here at my boss’s blog.  After several months of answering these questions I have given up asking why you come here for the answers and just accept that my duty is to enlighten those of you with unanswered questions.  My usual end of the month review was surprising, there were only a few new questions or search terms that I need to address, many of the usual suspects showed up once again.  Such as “what is the meaning/definition of kinky fuckery” or “how to make a pocket pussy,” seeing that I have answered many of these questions several times now I will be skipping them for a while.  If you cannot find an answer to one of these common questions/search terms please contact me directly and I will do my best to get you the answer you are searching for.

Sex

Sex bucket list ideas for couples

While I cannot speak for all couples here are a few bucket list-like items that I have heard of that could apply to couples: Threesome, Orgy, Role-playing, Simultaneous Orgasm, Make a Movie, and Cook Bacon in the Nude.

Sexual acts to try before you die

I am going to go with an item from above, Cook Bacon in the Nude.

Bucket list for sexually frustrated people

I would hazard a guess that the only thing on that list, multiple times mind you, is HAVE SEX!

Sex mutant

Sex Mutant Hope this helps, whomever was looking for a sex mutant.

Toys

Rubber sex doll skeleton

Sounds boney to me, but given that the Skelemal line of stuffed animals were cute who says an rubber skeleton sex doll couldn’t be fun.

Where to steal a pocket pussy

While I do not condone theft, the first place I would look is the nearest sex shop or for a male with a weak grip.

2 guys threesome with sex doll

I think congratulations are in order or at least a tasteful glove clap.  Miss Research Monkey’s question is why?

How to do bondage without a headboard

A good question.  Several companies sell between the mattress sets which are usually four cuffs and straps that fit in between your mattresses.

Is there a way to use a pocket pussy on a girl

Why?

Portable pocket pussy that fit inside the woman

Again why?

How to make a pocket pussy easier to use

A pocket pussy is a tube that you jerk up and down on a male sex organ; that is by definition as simple as it gets.

Food

Does sushi chefs soak sushi rice

Yes, for 30 minutes, after washing and rinsing.

Food-Sex

Banana sex

That you humans sexualize everything is not surprising to me, but damnit I eat bananas…ugh!

Food-Toy

Taste of ball gag

Miss Research Monkey commented that it sounds like a nasty food additive, like adding smoke flavor only much, much worse.

School

Sick and tired of school

I have heard this is a common complaint amongst you humans.  I myself enjoyed all of my years in the educational system.

Cartoons

I’m getting real tired of your bullshit spongebob

Stop watching SpongeBob.

Miscellaneous

Mature woman at dentist

Yes, I am sure that many mature women visit the dentist.

Nude boys measureing tape our duck

Put down the duck, put your clothes on, leave the measuring tape behind and walk away.

Me in my place nude

A short, hairy simian.

Until next month.

Son of Answering the ?’s You Search For

30 Aug 2012 3 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Answering the ?s Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello, I am your Research Monkey.  Once again people search the interwebs with questions and arrive here for the answer.  I don’t understand why myself.  Have any of you actually found an answer to your question here?  I know I haven’t seen the answers that often, I guess that is why the task of answering your questions falls upon my furry shoulders.   As per company policy the inquiries are presented as found, however this time after going over the questions I have grouped them together to make my task easier.

Kinky Fuckery & 50 Shades

meaning of kinky fuckery

To have, had, want, desire or to engage in kinky sex, of which the exact definition of what IS kinky sex is subject to debate.  For potential enlightenment read my bosses series of Kinky Fuckery posts.

kinky fuckery where does term appear in 50 shades

First use, page 2 Fifty Shades Darker

why do i want to read about kinky fuckery

To be able to sound cool.

at what point in fifty shades do they use a sex swing

Never

another word for kinky fuckery

Kinky

can you show me how to spell kinky fuckery in french

According to Google Translate: Fuckery Crepus

ballgag try on shades of grey

Never used, only referred to one time in Fifty Shades Darker.

what other devices does grey use besides cock ring?

His “Red Room of Pain” which is barely described and used only 4 or 5 times.  Ugh!  These books.

 

Kinky & Kinky Sex

kinky things to do in the woods with a guy

A few suggestions from Mrs. Research Monkey, hide the stick in the bush, squirrel looking for nuts, the variation squirrel burying nuts for winter and autumn leaves fall gently from the trees to the ground.

is it good to be called kinky

Yes, being called kinky means that you are doing something right and fun sex-wise.

100 kinky things to do in the bedroom

My boss walked by and said he will get to a post on this very soon.

what to say when someone says your not kinky

I would ask them why they hate you so much.

foods used in kinky sex

Cucumbers, carrots, hot dogs (don’t ask me), strawberries, cherries and just about anything that you find edible.  Seems that you humans like to sexualize your food a lot more than us simians.

how to find someone as kinky as me

Ask a lot of questions and be prepared for a lot of rejections, maybe a restraining order or two, a slap in the face, but one day you will find that special kinky someone.

what kinky things can you do with icy hot patches

Mrs. Research Monkey couldn’t stop laughing.  The only thing that I could think of involves a glass dildo and using the patch to heat up or cool down the glass dildo without having to run off to the bathroom for hot water or kitchen to toss the glass dildo into the fridge.

having sex treesome

Please leave the tree alone unless the tree is consenting.

can 3sum make her come?

A threesome most likely will not result in making her orgasm, however the attentions and actions of the people involved could do the trick as long as they know what they are doing.

sexually deviant thoughts normal?

This is a tough question, as I do not know what thoughts you are having that you consider deviant.  If the thoughts involve children, animals, the dead or anything illegal most likely not. If the thoughts are of bondage and other forms of kinky sex then you are not having deviant thoughts you are having perfectly normal kinky thoughts.

Mr. Dependable

how do i clean mr dependable

Soap and water is a start, but I recommend that you purchase a sex toy cleaner.  Also, store Mr. Dependable in a drawer or some place where dust is at a minimum as Mr. Dependable is a dust magnet.

does mr dependable come in different size

No, Mr. Dependable comes in one size and color.  There are plenty of Mr. Dependable clones that offer different sizes, shapes and colors, but there is only ONE Mr. Dependable.

is mr dependible to big

Define big?  Mr. Dependable has a 5 inch girth and 7 inch length.  If those numbers are big to you, then you have your answer.

why does “mr. dependable” smell like plastic

Mr. Dependable is made out of a “life-like material” if plastic is what you smell like then Mr. Dependable smells like you.  Alas, I imagine that what you are smelling is the scent of the “life-like material” which does have a unique odor.

mr dependable bad smell

Clean Mr. Dependable.

how should you store mr dependable

In a drawer or box where dust is at a minimum.

Pocket Pussy

i looking for big pocket pussy

Congratulations.  What little research I have done does not seem to indicate that there is a size difference as most descriptions only refer to how tight the pocket pussy is.  Maybe tight is a sex toy measurement in the same way that pinch is a cooking measurement, but I was unable to find verification of this theory of mine.

are you supposed to come in your pocket pussy

Since I have never used one, I cannot say, but based upon design and description I would hazard a guess that yes, indeed, you are supposed to orgasm inside your pocket pussy.

stop pocket pussy smelling

Clean pocket pussy.

my wife uses my pocket pussy on our friend

Ask your wife to get your mutual friend his own pocket pussy or ask your mutual friend to bring his own pocket pussy or perhaps you should purchase a new pocket pussy for yourself.  In order to reduce confusion as to whose pocket pussy is whose I suggest that you or your wife write names on the outside of the pocket pussy for easy identification.

pocket pussy stuck up own ass

Umm…seek immediate medical attention.

how to make your own pocket pussy with supplys from art store

Mrs. Research Monkey suggested a toilet paper roll, bits of a fuzzy blanket and filling the tube up with warm pudding.

is it normal for my hysband to use a pocket pussy

Are you mad at your husband?  Does your husband have a weak grip and thus attempting to build up his hand muscles via masturbation?

what women think about pocket pussy

Mrs. Research Monkey can’t stop laughing.

Sex Swing

how to set up a door hanging sex swing

I suggest that you buy a Sex Swing instead, but if you have already bought a door hanging swing and found it useless refer here for an alternate use: Naughty Monkey: Door “Swing” Update

what kind of contraption is a sex swing?

A sex swing is a series of straps, a metal bow that the straps hang from, a metal cross bar and a length of chain for hanging.

has a door ever been broken by sex swing

Probably.  Door frames can be broken just installing the sex swing and vigorous use would most definitely lead to door or door frame breakage.

sex swing thoughts?

LOVE IT!

how does a sex swing chair work

Man or woman sits or lays in/on the swing and then sexual activity takes place.

kind of door needed for sex swing

For a door, the sex swing and door that closes securely.  For a sex swing, a tall door with a very sturdy frame that you don’t mind putting a very large screw into, or find a stud in the ceiling for the large screw.

do you like having sex in a sex swing

YES!

 Ball Gag & Other Toys

i like ball gags

Congratulations, ball gags can be fun.

does a ball gag quiet the noise during sex?

Stuff your mouth with something and then try to make noise.  Are you quiet now?  Did you stuff something too big in…

would you wear ball gag during sex

Mrs. Research Monkey seems to enjoy the ball gag from time to time.  I am not sure if I would enjoy using a ball gag.

household object to substitute as a ballgag

Rubber ball, bandanna, tie, scarf and so on.

what happens if a cock ring gets stuck in vagina

First, sex medical attention for her if the ring cannot be removed.  Two, seek medical attention for you as a well fitting cock ring should not come off.  Three, get new cock ring as the one you were using is either old or broke.

simulating a mmf threesome using a banana

Good luck.  Bananas are squishy and would make quite the mess in a sexual situation.  I would suggest a dildo such as Mr. Dependable if you are looking to simulate a second male.

can you use tape during sexual tiedown

Yes, but tape is not easy or quick to remove.  Tape removal can be painful and can leave sticky residue.

i left my vibrator in when mom enters unexpectedly

Umm…I hope you asked her why she left the blender on.

why do i never see variations dildo tubes

A tube by definition is round, most dildos are round, thus very little variation, why change what works?

People Issues

i need to have sex

Don’t we all.

defriend cat

What did your cat do to you?

i work with a bunch of fucktard

I don’t remember seeing you around here.

what does fucktard mean?

See Vocabulary Just For You for the Richmond Clan definition.

naughty clown girl

Here you go.  You are welcome.  Thankfully clowns seem to be off limits to the pornification of everything.  I had to look around a bit before I even came close to encountering the first naked woman in clown make-up or costume.  So there are some things that even you humans can’t sexualize.

thougts on worst time

It sucked.

Cooking

a recipe ask for 5 tablespoons of soy sauce algebra problem

If you can send my boss a copy of this recipe he would be very appreciative.  He does like soy and he did successfully complete a year of algebra.

Wildlife

why do fish have white bellies

The best thing that I have read is that a white belly blends in with the water when you are looking up at the fish from below, giving the fish some camouflage.

Spongebob

what kind of student do you think spongebob would be

Based upon his performance on the show that bears his name, he would be an excellent student who tested horribly, so horribly that most likely he would not graduate without a lot of help, however he would be able to demonstrate what he learned in a non-test environment.

Word Issues

nine letter word for majority

Mainstream, okay that is 10-letters.

Video Game Problems

skylanders if you drop one and hear a rattle noise when you shake it is it broken ?

Sadly yes, most likely your Skylander is broken.  However before you despair try the toy out first and if the toy is broken contact Activision customer support as they have been known to replace “defective” Skylanders.

 Sex Question

is it possible anyone live without sexthought?

I would hope not.

 Job Offer

will fuck for shoes

From Mrs. Research Monkey, if you are a good looking female with an interest in females or couples she has several pairs of shoes and a few single shoes that you are more than welcome to after a fuck or three.

This was a long Answering the ?s, but you searched for answers and I provided them.  See you in a month.

You’d Better Recognize

01 Jun 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Random Thought Tags: , , , , ,

This afternoon was AWESOME!

Barb and I went to the boy’s school for a volunteer recognition lunch.  Let me start out by saying my wife looked great she spent a lot of time getting ready.  I did not.  I was wearing my Spongebob Squarepants bright yellow shirt, black cammies and combat boots.   I was the only parent, no scratch that only person, who dressed up for the kids.  We spent some time talking to another parent, the class assistant and the teacher before sitting down to eat lunch that was prepared by the school staff.  I didn’t eat much, but what I had and what I could smell was pretty good.

After the lunch was a school assembly where the volunteers were to be recognized by the other volunteers, staff and students.  It was a blast.  First there was the herding of the children into the gym.  Cat herding couldn’t be any more difficult.  As each class came in and sat down on the floor they would have to move to make room for the next and so on until there was a wave of people moving each time someone sat down.  They didn’t plan for the volunteers sitting in the back.  Organized and fun to watch all at the same time.

Then came the recognition which was the principal calling out the student’s name, then the volunteer’s name.  The student went and got a gift and met the volunteer in the middle for a hug.  There were plenty of fun moment, but I will focus on ME.  Donovan skipped, hopped and jumped his way from the middle of his class to the principal who commented that Donovan was excited.  Then Barb, Kaylee and I walked to our place.  A shit ton of Awwwwws when the people saw Kaylee.  Then even more when after Donovan hugged Barb, he hugged Kayleee….then he got picked up and tickled in front of everyone by me.  I am a cool parent and a trend setter.

That set off a wave of kids jumping into their volunteer parent’s arms or pick up hugs.  It went from fun to A BLAST from that moment on.  A non-stop period of clapping, hooting, hollering and hugging it really was moving.  It was really cool to see that there were a lot more volunteers than I had thought and seen during my time there.  Teacher thanked us for all of our work throughout the year.

The assembly ended with a very emotional celebration for a student who had just won the silver medal swimming at a special olympics event.  Everyone went nuts.  A very cool and fun way to end my first year as a volunteer and a very good event to put into my book about being a volunteer.

I’m still smiling.

Seeing the Funny

20 Apr 2012 3 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Deep Thought Tags: ,

Alright I guess it is time that I start to explain my philosophy on life as based on Spongebob.  Yes, I have heard that people think that Spongebob is crap.  Those people do not get the joke.  They only see what is presented, accept it at face value and never bother to question the where, the why and the how.  These people are not enlightened.  I feel for them.  I was like them.

On the surface Spongebob is a children’s cartoon about a sponge that works at a fast food restuarant.  He whines, he cries and he loves his job.  He sees something new everyday and he sees the good in people.  The cartoon is not new looking, it has a very retro feel to it.  They are short.  There is no continuity; Bikini Bottom has been destroyed at least 10 times and yet the next episode there it is as it was.  The cartoon is loud.  The cartoon is brightly colored and often makes no sense.  On the surface.

That is the beauty of Spongebob is that you can take it or leave it at face value.  Most adults despise the show.  Kids love the show.  Adults that love the show get the joke.  Kids do not get the joke, but they can if an adult explains it to them.  I want my kids to be like Spongebob and friends.  There are a ton of valuable lessons over the length of the series.

Now before I get into the details, bare in mind I spent the better part of a semester researching Spongebob and much to Paul ZubE’s consternation insisted on giving at least one speech about Spongebob where I refuted, rather well, the two research articles that came out saying that Spongebob caused this or that.  Spongebob did not cause anything, any more than any other show.  I even spent some time explaining that there was a lot of depth to the show.  So well did I explain this that Nathan Garrlets, an English professor who had banned Spongebob in his home started letting his kids watch Spongebob and even got ahold of a book about the philosophical side of Spongebob.

Here are some of the deeper parts of Spongebob:

  • Always see something new everyday.  No matter what you think there is something new to be seen sometimes you have to look really hard.
  • Love your job.  Love what you do for a living.  Doesn’t matter what the job is to other people, it only matters what the job is to you.
  • Money comes and money goes.  Money only has the value you place on it.
  • Your dumbest friend is actually a lot smarter than you think.
  • Sometimes it pays to turn your brain off for a day.
  • Do something fun no matter what other people think of you.
  • Fun can be found anywhere and at anytime.
  • Ask questions no matter how stupid someone else thinks they are.  The question was important enough to you to think it so ask it.
  • Believe that something good is around the corner, it makes the tough times easier and makes the fun times more colorful.
  • A smile beats a frown.
  • Stand up for what you believe.
  • Stand up for your friends.
  • Be there for your friends and family.
  • Always remember to feed your snail.

Blue Hair Makes Me Smile

19 Apr 2012 3 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Deep Thought, Random Thought Tags: ,

I don’t know who this person is and to be honest I don’t care because I will most likely never meet this person, but I thought I would share her picture because it instantly put a smile on my face.  I like to share things that make me smile.

Smiling, laughing and having fun are big things to me now.  They didn’t used to be I was a pretty morose individiual along with being angry.  From what I understand they tend to go together like that.   Now I try to find the funny in just about everything.  Two things helped with that children and a healthy dose and appreciation of Spongebob.

One day I will explain my reasons for Spongebob changing my outlook on just about everything.  Don’t worry those who have known me for a long time I still get angry.  But for now I am just content to say that having children lead to watching Spongebob and watching Spongebob gave me an appreciation for life and the funny that is life that I did not have before.

Thus I end this rather short blog with, I don’t know who you are Blue Haired Lady, but you put a smile on my face and that means a lot.

If you care to share something that makes you smile in the Join in the Conversation box.

St. Patwho?

17 Mar 2012 2 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Deep Thought, Food Thought Tags: ,

How many of you know who Saint Patick was?  No, don’t you dare start going to Wikipedia now.  That’s what I thought, nobody and for the person that said the Saint of Debauchary, please slap yourself.  Slap yourself again.  Now that YOU have been properly chastised does anyone have an educated thought on who Saint Patrick was?

This is not Saint Patrick.  That is Patrick Star and although he’s one of the three pillars of the Spongebob Philosophy of Life that I espouse, he is not a Saint or deified in any sense.  One day maybe.  This is a funny picture though.  You may laugh now.  Slap yourself for not laughing.

Saint Patrick was a real person.  He is the Saint of Ireland where they celebrate today in a solem fashion.  They do not have commericials for weeks advertising on this holiday go out and get drunk.  It is celebrated because it is a holiday in celebration of Saint Patrick, who is credited with banishing all of the snakes out of Ireland and using a shamrock to illustrate a point.  Do they celebrate drinking all day? Nope, I’m sure because it is Ireland and it is a cliche that the Irish drink that there is drinking in Ireland on Saint Patrick’s Day, but I don’t think that their whole day revolves around it.  Only here, is there an entire day that revolves around drinking.  In honor of Saint Patrick of course.  Who was he again?  Did he have a reality show?

As I have stated before a little knowledge is dangerous.  Now you have some knowledge, that while you are drinking it is on a day for a Saint, a man who did many good deeds including, but not limited to banishing all of the snakes from Ireland…hmmm…could Sam Jackson be a distant relative because he did banish snakes from a mutherfucking airplane?

What did we do on Saint Patrick’s Day?  We cleaned up the house, because if you don’t clean up that is how you get ants, according to Donovan and he has a point.  I made wings most of the day.  We watched basketball, although I must confess this year I did not follow the Madness as much as I usually do.  I discovered that my newly “fixed” computer is not as fixed as it should be.  Mostly though we avoided going outside.  Big Rapids is not big in any sense.  There is a population, a transient population mind you (meaning they don’t live here and thus seem to feel that the rules do not apply to them), of over 9,000 fucktards and they have been told to go out and drink today.  Radio spots advertised drinking at 7am this morning.  This week in every class I was in and in the common areas the primary talk was about how drunk they were going to get today.  Now put 9,000+ drunk fucktards who can’t drive normally in a small town with a limited number of roads and you are bound to get some kind of accident or trouble.  I would rather stay in for a day and avoid the worse case scenario.

Donovan Has Two Mommies

07 Mar 2012 2 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Daily Thought, Deep Thought, Food Thought, No Thought, Random Thought Tags: , , , , , , ,

I’m sitting here munching on candy flavored popcorn from Pop-Kie’s.  Neon colored popcorn-red, purple, yellow, orange and green.  Each bite is a different flavor corresponding with the color-cherry, grape, lemon, orange and lime.  This was the END to a great day spent with Kyle and Kelsi in Traverse City.  The plan was to go up there and see what the city was about before we went up there sometime during the summer.  The plan was not to have such a great time, eat good food, and spend a ton of money, but that is what happened and with zero complaints from any of us.

The trip started out with making seating for all us in Kyle’s car, Donovan was in the front seat and when told he would have to move to the back because of the law he annonced, “That’s not my law.”  The popcorn has been taken away from me.  Once in the car Kelsi’s knee changed the radio station while her and Barb got comfortable with each other…sharing the front seat…get your mind out of the gutter.  Donovan and Kaylee fell asleep while we drove through what in the summer will be some very beautiful scenery.  They took us through Mesick (Mooselick- my pronunciation) where we got to see where they live and grew up.  Very small town America and very cool all around.

In Traverse City, we stopped at Target and the mall.  That was when Kaylee decided to wake up, the words “the mall,” she is such a girl.  Nathan didn’t know this, but Kaylee refused to leave the house without pink eyeshadow and lip gloss this morning. -B  We walked through the mall stopping at Spencers where the surly cashier told me to “come on back” as she threw my bag containing a Spongebob lanyard, zombies and mini-bejeweled “massager” at me.  Some people just don’t get the funny.  From there was wandering around the mall to the food court where we agreed to find food elsewhere, that was the first of several important, but unknown decisions made throughout the day.  On the way out of the mall we bumped into Kyle’s mother.  A nice lady, getting a hair cut I believe, but we were pulled away by the kids who wanted pretzels.

Target was quick, grab an axe, sword and rug.  The cashier was baffled by the kids and Barb leaving the line and going to the bathroom.  “They are going to the bathroom,” I said.  “Anything else,” she said?  “Nope, just the bathroom,” I replied.  Kyle tried to hide the laughter.  She too did not get the funny.  I was told she got a hug after we left her line.  While we waited for Barb and Kaylee to get out of the bathroom, Donovan was running around in circles gettting in the way.  An old man approached Kelsi and said something that none of us could understand, but he gestured at Donovan and her with a smile.  That was when Kelsi became Donovan’s mom for the day and was constantly being told to get her unruly kid under control.  As we were leaving the old man showed up again and said something along the lines of “you will have a good time with the boy,” that was it, Kelsi was officially the boy’s mother.

In downtown Traverse City we got to see another college.  Here is a question for all of you, with the plethora of colleges why are most people you meet in the state dumbasses?  Just asking.  We stopped at Nawbin Beadstore where Barb, Donovan and Kaylee bought a bunch of stuff and we started planning our life out in the area.  Not too close, but close enough that she could go to work and we could shop.  Parking the car was an exercise in driving around the town and then parking where we started.  The kids were geeked to see ducks.  Lots of ducks and a single black squirrel.  They, the black squirrel, are mean.

A Kilwin’s.  I was excited.  To me Kilwin’s means Jelly Bellys.  Alas, no Jelly Bellys, but some good info on where to eat downtown.  It was a nice day, so lets walk.  The nearest place Greenhouse smelled awesome, but their menu despite being advertised as kid friendly did not have anything our kids would eat.  So we left and started looking again.  A random turn and a smell had me pointing the direction down a street with three or four bars that all looked identical down to the signage and look.  Across the street to a map, but I had something in my sights, a hotdog place.  Okay truth be told I had seen the hotdog place, but Kyle pointed out Anne’s a candy shop next door that had a HUGE, colorful display of Jelly Bellys in the window.  I was going there, but first food.

House of Dogs is a tiny place decorated with pictures of rockstars and playing a video of the Doobie Brothers renunion tour.  It smelled like fried food and just had that vibe of a good place to eat.  Their speciality was hotdogs-Kelsi ordered a Southern Rock Dog (coleslaw, ketchup and mustard), Barb ordered a Honky Tonk Dog (bacon and nacho cheese) and I ordered a Honky Tonk and Salsa Dog (chili, jalapeno, louisana hot sauce, onion and celery salt).  The hotdogs snapped when you bit into them.  The toppings were awesome.  The bacon was crisp and good.  The Salsa Dog was spicy as all hell and so damn good.  We will be going there again, no doubts.  Sometimes taking the unexpected route leads to gold.

I’m eating Jelly Bellys!

From House of Dogs we went to Anne’s.  The door opened and you could smell caramel, coffee, chocolate and goodness, but I was not to be distracted and ended up in front of the Jelly Belly display gleefully filling up a bag.  Then the boy did.  Then the owner convinced me through the clever use of a taste test to buy some valentine’s candy corn, which is just like candy corn with a touch of cherry.  Very tasty.  Kyle bought the boy his bag of Jelly Belly’s-thank you.  Kelsi bought some sour cherries and we were off.  The thought was to find the pie shop, but when the choice was one direction with nothing in sight and the other with stuff we opted for stuff.

On our way we found a shop that sold nothing, but hats, adult sized onesies and beer making equipment.  I almost crapped my pants seeing the adult sized onesies with sock monkeys, penguins and duckies.  From there we stopped in at Cherry Republic, a wine shop.  The kids ate samples of cherry coated pretzels and chocolate covered cherries.  They had cherry wine vinegar, sweet cherry balsamic vinegar and sweet cherry poppyseed vinaigrette.  The wine vinegar has a sharp vinegar taste with the cherry on the backside.  The balsamic vinegar tastes like cherry with very little vinegar taste.  Most awesome.  We left and Kyle pointed out Pop-Kie’s across the street.

Before I went there I stopped in at Mackinaw Brewing Company because of the wonderful smells coming from the building.  They smoke meats.  That was all I could get out the guy, sorry no menus we haven’t gotten them in and we smoke meats.  I plan on stopping back because it smelled like Snyder’s and I love that smoked smell.

Barb was gesturing to a building, I thought the popcorn place, I was wrong.  However, before I could find out I was wrong, we entered Pop-Kie’s where we were assualted by tons of flavored popcorns of all kinds.  We bought the multi-colored candy bucket, which if you will remember was taken from me.  Outside I could smell spices and what Barb was pointing to was the Spice Merchants.  Nothing, but wall to wall spices. Donovan was complaining about the spiciness of the place, I was a pig dipped in shit happy.  More money, more stuff, but it was all in spices and a salt bowl, yes a bowl made out of salt.  If you have to ask why, you don’t cook.  Go out and learn.

Now I should take this time to mention, that Kelsi and Barb were getting along great all day.  Kyle and I were having fun and the kids were behaving themselves.  Every place we went Kelsi was told to get her kid, Donovan, under control and I was the gay friend, thus not his father.  Funny shit.  You could not have asked for a better day or time.

Our final stop was back at Kilwin’s for ice cream, fudge and salt water taffy which Kyle and Kelsi slipped into our shopping bags. Sneaky bastards. :)   Pile back into the car for the trip home.

Donovan swallowed a penny.  He learned not to do that again.  Kelsi and Barb discussed sex toy parties and how if they had to go to one that Kyle and I would as well.  As Kelsi typed in search term after search term which only lead to homosexual sex parties or sites we talked about how we would host a sex toy party.  I will spare you the details and invite you to the party.  There will be no Battlefield 3 themed sex-toy party for the guys…sorry Kelsi and Chris.  :) “It’s that kind of party!” (wiggle, wiggle, wiggle)

Thank you once again for taking us around where you live and where we will spend some time this summer.  It was a blast.  Now I have to have the Jelly Bellys taken from me while I try to find a place for some of this shit.

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