Pet of Answering the ?s You Search For

28 Feb 2013 10 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Answering the ?s Tags: , , , , ,

Research MonkeyHello, I am your Research Monkey, PHD.  The end of the month is upon us and the time for me to answer the questions that you searched for to arrive here for answers is now.  I know that I say this almost every month, but I do not understand why anyone would come to this place for answers on anything.  Still each month many of you do, with some of the most interesting of search term-questions and since my job is to answer the questions I will endeavor to do my best.

Sex bucket list for women

I referred this to Mrs. Research Monkey who conferred with her fellow primates and the singular answer was “An Orgasm.”

Door swing snapped

Sorry I can’t stop laughing.

Kinky shopping list

Flavored butter, cucumbers, carrots, soft mangoes or pumpkins, wet wipes, zip ties, large quantities of vegetable oil, bananas, warm bread, and a case of Gatorade.

Japanese kinky pussy glue

What does fuckery mean?

The act, description, thought, emotion, lifestyle, clothing, food, movies, books, television, interwebs, and culture of fucking which is a whole other subject.

Fingers caught in mousetrap

How…no why are you searching the interwebs for an answer?  Get to the hospital and tell them you fell on it, they don’t hear that enough.

Words used while having sex in porn

The, and, hot, rod, lick, pulsing, throbbing, member, wet, dripping, sloppy, tight, hard, blow, job, hand, fuck, ram, pound, ass, slap, kiss, doctor, delicious, oh, god, gonna, cum, suck, it, tits, boobs, face, clam, finger, lost, what? threesome, girlfriend, vibrator, and pulsating.

Is too much sex bad for my penis

Has your penis fallen off?  Are you suffering from chafing?  Does your penis itch? Does your penis have an unexplained rash?  Can you still get an erection?  If you answered yes to any of these questions then yes too much sex is bad for YOUR penis.

Fucking the wall

Why?

How does one act when tied up for bondage sex?

Did you mean to get tied up?  Then act like you are having a good time.  Do not fall asleep.  Enjoy the sensations.  If your partner enjoys watching you struggle then struggle a little bit or a lot of bit, just be aware that pulling muscles is easy.

I can see blue skies outside

Then you have a good view.  Enjoy the view.

Kinky things to do solo

That is a good question.  What do you consider kinky that you could do to yourself?  Watch yourself masturbate?  Clamps on the nipples?  Smear yourself with your favorite flavor of pudding?

Fuck me right

That would be the goal.

Want to have sex

Love the one you are with if nobody else is around.  Do not fuck the wall unless you can explain to me why first.

Cyclical Writing

A writing style popularized by writers that have more than one interest.  They will write about one subject for as long as they have something to write and then change subjects.  Subjects will rotate as the writer is inspired or has something to say about said subject.  My boss is a cyclical writer, although with his second blog Speaking Out on Life he has been able to keep the blogs more on “topic.”

That wraps up another Answering the ?s You Search For.  Keep on searching and I will keep my job.

Kinky Fuckery: “_____ means _____”

26 Feb 2013 1 Comment

by ankoku1331 in Kinky Fuckery, Sex Thought Tags: , , , , , ,

This post will be less about what I think and a lot of quotes from the people who have responded to the question from yesterday:

What is the difference to YOU between having sex, fucking and making love?

As I showed yesterday with the four quotes and my explanation that there is a some similarity, but there are differences.  Last night and today a few other people joined in with their differences which spawned a nice conversation in the comments section. My hope is that by highlighting what is being said and giving this topic a second day that more people will take part.  A simple question that gets fascinating the more you look at it.  Take a look:

Mrs. Fever had this response: “Having sex, fucking, and making love all require repetitive consentual penetration of my vagina by a penis (natural if male; penile substitute if gendered male) to be labeled as such.  So for me, ‘having sex’ with someone encompasses both ‘fucking’ and ‘making love’.  ‘Sex’, in this way, is sort of the umbrella term; the other two are subcategories.  So ‘making love’ and ‘fucking’ are both ‘having sex’; but, conversely, ‘having sex’ is not necessarily ‘fucking’, nor is it necessarily ‘making love’.

All three involve some sort of emotion, ranging from general warm friendly feelings to I-think-I’m-gonna-cry-because-our-souls-just-merged warm tenderness.

At it’s most basic, ‘fucking’ is raw lust put into action.  It is usually somewhat primal in nature, often involves some sort of power exchange, and can last anywhere from 20 minutes to all night long.  Interestingly enough, I will describe oral sex (which you know by now is not ‘sex’ to me) sometimes using the term ‘fucking’ (i.e., “fucking my mouth”), and have been known to talk about being “fucked in the ass” (which is also not ‘sex’ according to How Feve Rolls).  Make of that what you will.

Then there is ‘making love’, which *can* be primal and *can* involve a power exchange (though neither is a requirement), but includes heightened feelings of tenderness (from both partners) and is, at its most basic, a physical expression of LOVE.  Making LOVE.  I only ‘make love’ with one man, and rarely at that.”

His beloved submissive had this response: “I think I differ on the definition of fucking. :) Sex to me is the action. You are doing it just to do it. Nothing really special about it. For me, this was generally how I would have defined one night stands.

Making love usually involves love, a relationship, it’s intimate and tender and unselfish. It is showing love. 

Fucking…well, I think Husband and I generally fuck. And we love each other like crazy. It’s sweaty and rough and loud and can be selfish. It’s demanding. It is lust and uncontrolled, passionate.

I think both sex and fucking can be done with anybody. There doesn’t have to be any feelings or a relationship. Making love almost requires some sort of affection and love.”

Then Mrs. Fever had this conversation with her husband: “Also, I was having a conversation about this with my husband last night, and he said something along the lines of, “Using the term ‘having sex’ or ‘fucking’ is sort of a toss-off, like ‘Who cares?’  It’s something you can shrug off, and is with a person you don’t necessarily like or respect.  Like, ‘Oh, she’s not my girlfriend or anything.  We just have sex.’  But ‘making love’ is emotional.  It’s LOVE.”

I said, “But I mean something to you.  And WE have sex all the time.  We also fuck our brains out.”

“Well, yeah, but that’s different.”

“How so?”

He had to really think about that one.  Because for him, sex (and having sex and fucking and making love and all that other stuff) WITH ME is defined differently than the connotations he applies to relationships outside our dynamic.”

Which after a question or four from me lead her to get this further response: “To him, ‘having sex’ pretty much is an all-inclusive term, encompassing just about everything from wet dreams to orgies.  Which means he categorizes oral sex, anal sex, and vaginal sex as ‘having sex’.  He also *claims* that other activities ~ the kind that I would classify as ‘heavy petting’ ~ are ‘sex’, like nipplegasms and helping a girl jill off.  (If you ask him how many people he’s ‘had sex’ with though, he doesn’t count the ‘heavy petting’ partners in that number.)

So I tested that claim.

I said, “That girl in the pool {we were at a swing club} that you made out with…  You had your hands in some very interesting places that night, but your cock stayed out of it.  So did you ‘have sex’ with her?”  And he said, “Of course not.  You know I didn’t.”

Ahhh… 

So yeah.  His “__________ means __________” is a work in progress.  (As is mine, quite frankly.  Because I’m certain I’ll continue to have sexual experiences that will blow my previously conceived notions out of the water.  And I *look forward* to those experiences.)  But how he views his/my/our activities is different than the way I vew them.  And yes, the way he views his activities with other people (and the way he views other people’s activities with one another) is different than how he interprets his actions with me.

Because he LOVES me.  In an unconditional and egalitarian way.  And that emotion (which is actually a *choice* that manifests itself as *action*), for him, makes all the difference.”

I don’t know about any of you, but this is a totally fascinating line of thought to me.  Especially when questions are asked about responses or comparisons to your own answers.  I know that I did not write much myself tonight, but most of what I have had to say, at the moment, was said yesterday and in the comments section where I asked questions which lead to this expanded conversation.  I would love to hear from more of you; your own answers to the question or about what other people have said or anything in-between.  My plan for tonight was to move onto another subject, but this IS an interesting subject that has so much left unsaid.  Ask other people this question, start a conversation, find out where your answer stacks up with your partners you may be surprised.

I’m gonna sit on the beach and watch the waves roll back in hopefully with some more treasures.

Kinky Fuckery: What is This Sex Thing Anyway I?

18 Feb 2013 21 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Kinky Fuckery, Sex Thought Tags: , , , , , , ,

After a couple of days of soliciting comments from all of you and possibly breaking one blogger I think that the time has come to move the conversation forward a bit.  Unless you like beating the proverbial dead horse…do you?  I thought not.  When I asked the question I was hoping for and got a variety of answers.  Some people even thought about their response after giving their initial response.  I could have asked a more refined question, but I really wanted a broad question that would allow people to answer in the biggest terms possible as opposed to a question that focused responses to one or two avenues.

While I have not finished putting everything together from comments here and conversations, here is what stands out most:

  • Penis into Vagina equals sex.  Everyone agrees on this.
  • Orgasm by men is sex.
  • Orgasm by women would be great (universally agreed), but not a sign of sex unless the woman does orgasm then that is sex.
  • Oral sex is a gray area.
    • Woman on woman is considered sex if they are lesbians, but
      • bi-sexual women is considered a sex act, but in general not thought of as sex
      • if a third person is involved then woman on woman may not be sex, a sex act, but not sex
    • Woman on man was about 50/50 if a blowjob constitutes sex, a sex act is universally agreed.
    • Man on woman was roughly 30/70 that cunnilingus constitutes sex, again as a sex act universally agreed.
  • Anal sex is sex between two men
    • A sex act for everyone else, but whether anal sex is sex is another story
  • If a sex toy resembles a penis or is used like a penis, the general thought is that using that toy could be sex
    • A sex toy used alone is masturbation regardless of appearance of sex toy
    • Some sex acts that involve sex toys can be sex, but not most sex toys seem to be accessories
  • Fingering, handjobs, and several other sex acts are not sex…
    • mutual masturbation could be sex
    • masturbation is masturbation, and a sex act, but not sex
  • Intent is a big deciding factor on what sex could be.
    • Online sex ranging from sextexting to video chatting could be sex
    • Online sex ranging from sextexting to video chatting could be cheating
    • Online sex ranging from sextexting to video chatting could be masturbation

I have thouroughly enjoyed reading the responses that have rolled in and the conversations that I have had with people about this topic.  The only people that I did not hear from, yet (still crossing my fingers), were lesbians and gay men as I am sure that they would have something to say on what sex was or is to them.  The most fascinating item to come out of this one question, was that everyone really is positive that they know what sex is, but writing down that definition is not as easy.  As I continue to compile the information, I will continue talking about this and other perceptions on sex that have come out of this.

What about my definition of sex?  That is tomorrow’s post. :)

Want more: Kinky Fuckery: What is This Sex Thing Anyway II?

Answering My Own Questions

15 Jan 2013 4 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Deep Thought Tags: , , , , , ,

Today was supposed to be the day that the Reader Response Requested research began, but I jumped the gun a bit…8 days I think.  Oops.  However, since I posted the questions I have gotten a couple of answers and read another on another blog.  Thank you for answering, if I have not said so before now.  Since asking you to do something that I have not done seems a bit dickish or rude, I am taking today to answer the questions that I am asking you to answer.  I will be doing this each 15th, post questions and answer them from now on.

For those of you who were wondering, “Do I have to answer all of the questions?”  Hell no.  Answer any of them that catch your attention.  These are research for blogs I have in mind, not term papers for grades.  Without further ado here are my responses to my Reader Response Requested. :)

All
1.Where do you go to/search for inspiration?

I used to have a stable of friends that I would regularly go to for inspiration.  Unfortunately this move has made going to them impossible.  Currently I have two people that I talk to for inspiration, otherwise I read-watch the news, read blogs, and observe life around me.  Observing life around me is especially useful for inspiration.

2.Can I like this post? :D

This was question “submitted” by another blogger and me being a smart ass. :)

Sex
1.What was the first sex toy that you bought for yourself or someone else?

The first sex toy I remember buying was the ubiquitous standard vibrator: white, slick, twist controls and who knows how many speeds.  Rattled like hell, but was the first sex toy I bought with-for my girlfriend at the time.

2.The #1 piece of advice that you would give a good friend that wanted to try anal sex. *

LUBE!

3.The #1 warning that you would give a good friend that wanted to try anal sex.

Practice, practice, practice, with small digits or objects first. Take your time.

4.What would you do if you were the opposite sex for 24 hours?

If I was a woman for the day, after spending several hours getting to know myself, I think I would spend the day seeing how much free things I could get just by being a woman; free lunch, free dinner, drinks, etc.  Not the most productive use of my day, but I would like to see if I could do it none-the-less.

5.What sex toy that you have owned/used that you would recommend and why.

I don’t know if they make this anymore, but we have a small clear blue vibrator with a leaping dolphin on the end.  The damn thing is over-powered with a can-motor (used to make good remote control cars move), but let me tell you almost instant orgasm for Barb within a minute every time.  Downside, is because it is so over-powered that it eats batteries and can make your hand go numb if used for too long.

6.Your thoughts on oral sex: giving and receiving and why.

This question by a discussion that another blogger was having, I have written before about how much I love eating women out and how Barb has testified to other women about my skills so there should be no question about that.  For myself, I like getting blowjobs, but they are almost always warm-ups for sex.  In Barb’s words, “I am difficult to get off orally.”  I blame all of the bad oral sex before her and my brain, the damn thing just doesn’t shut off.

Food
1.What cook book would you recommend and why?

Alton Brown’s I’m Only Here For The Food because the book is fun and educational to read.  Not a ton of recipes, but what there is are awesome.

Life
1.What are your thoughts on the erosion of privacy?

Personally I am bothered by the erosion of privacy.  Not as much by people becoming less private, but by that fact that mistakes are no longer allowed or seem to be allowed.  When I was growing up I made many mistakes, but because they were not on the internet for all to see I was allowed to grow beyond my mistakes and not have them held up for all to see and used against me for the rest of my life.  I think that is the greatest threat that the erosion of privacy presents, that young people will not be allowed to make mistakes, to learn from them, and to move on from them, because somebody somewhere can find that mistake on the interwebs.

2.Five books that you would recommend.

Kitchen Confidential, by Anthony Bourdain

Waiter Rant, by Steve Dublanica

Neuromancer, by William Gibson

American Gods, by Neil Gaiman

How to Archer, by Sterling Archer

I hope that you found my answers interesting and were inspired to give the questions a try y0urself.

Kinky Fuckery: MY Sexual Bucket List

22 Dec 2012 6 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Kinky Fuckery, Sex Thought Tags: , , , , , ,

A while ago I did Kinky Fuckery: Sexual Bucket List which was an amalgamation of the various sexual things the people I know and partly me, want to do before we die, but not in the traditional sense, as I wanted the unusual-Point Break Sex Going Out in Style is pretty out there.  I still not sure which President I will be going as, but trust me I am shopping around for a plane, a mask, a surfboard, and willing people just in case. :)

This Sexual Bucket List is all me (cover your eyes if you don’t want to know).  Nobody else.  Well other people are involved it is a sexual bucket list not a masturbation bucket list…hmmm…what would that look like?  Masturbate on a plane.  Masturbate with a stick of butter…nah, I will stick with sex that involves other people.  I can love the one I am with on my own time.  So without further ado bare witness to the things I would like to do sexually before I die.

Bottom of the Bucket: With many apologies to the woman or women that I am having sex with at the time, I want to die having sex, preferably post orgasm.  Since I am a good lover (ranked amateur), the woman or women would have already had at least one orgasm, so they shouldn’t worry about being left out.  Still keeling over dead during or post coitus could be problematic, so I apologize now.

My Turn, but Practice First: This has been a desire of mine for a long time and don’t think anything negative about Barb, but I would like to be bound, like I do to her.  I understand that binding people does take a certain mindset and preferably some practice, which is why it has not happened to me yet.

Better Lighting and Maybe Some Post-Production Work: I want to make a sex video.  A good sex video.  One that I wouldn’t be ashamed to watch again or have other people watch.  It would need a good plot and maybe a stunt double or two, but I really would like to make a good sex video.

I Don’t Speak Your Language, but We Seem To Be Communicating Just Fine: Sex with a foreigner.  Not a foreign looking American, but someone from somewhere else.  This is a very minor bucket list item, but despite my efforts it has not happened yet.

The More the Merrier, I Hope: If I could, meaning I had a place, privacy, and knew the right people, I would host an annual Sex Party.  Something akin to Shortbus, if you have seen the movie then you are familiar with the place where they gather together for a party-sex scene.  Or maybe more like a Roman orgy-party out of Spartacus, without the murder that seems to happen at most of them.   You get the idea.  I think it would be a good thing for the world or at least the neighborhood…well parts of it.

Is That A California Roll on Her..? I like sushi.  I like naked women.  I would like to eat sushi off a naked woman.  Simple as that.  No California Rolls though.

Can You Go Crazy Much Later?: I have written about this before and will again, but if we could find a third that lasted for a while that would be great.  That would most definitely be a bucket list event and a blog event and maybe even a reason for me to start-up Facebook again, talk about status update.

Location, Location, Location: I have had sex in plenty of interesting places; office of a Burger King, counter of a Burger King, with a woman handcuffed to the hood of my car, in a park, in a packed bar, and so on, but there are still a few places that I have not had sex yet; on an airplane (mile high club), on a stage, in Japan, and in China.

Hey, You Are Doing Me: I really would like to create a sex position that sweeps the bedrooms of the world.  Most likely a position that involves three people, the Tri-Richmond or something equally creative like that.  Whatever the name, I am fond of the Scorpion (sounds ominous), the position is written about, photos, essays, pornified, and mainstreamed.  I would be famous and all of you, would be doing me.

Speaking of Doing Me: If I could get a glow-in-the-dark multi-speed, multi-function faux version of my cock with a vibrating monkey for the clit (I do like monkeys) that would be sellable to the world I would do that.  Alas, mass production of me seems to be out of my reach for the moment.  Clone-a-Willy is fun, but hardly the Ford Motors of faux cock production.

So there you have my top 10 or at least 10 items off my bucket list.  Enjoy.  Perhaps I will post more of my list later.

See also Sex Index

Like A Hobbit

11 Dec 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Random Thought Tags: , , , , ,

Thank deity for small furry footed people, a McFucksters style American diner, and a very warped mind.  Inspired by several people who said that they would indeed Eat Like A Hobbit I wondered what else could be sold in the guise of “Like A Hobbit,” me being me I almost instantly wandered in the food and sex departments of Hobbitons.  So if you would, please follow me in the worlds smallest, but largest hobbit themed store Like A Hobbit.  Hysterical blindness is not our responsibility.

Our first stop is the clothing department, where you can dress like a Hobbit.  No, not lots of greens, browns, capri pants, button down shirts, and the ever-present cloak, but Bun Huggies.  Inspired by the Hobbit love of tight-fitting pants, vigorous mountain climbing, and freedom of movement we present assless chaps, tight assless chaps.  They fit and support your rear like a glove, no shelf-butt when wearing a pair of leather bun huggies.  Display your finest assets when traveling from here to there and back again.  If you have an aversion to leather or just want something different bun huggies come in spandex, spanx for tummy control, and various colors and patterns of lycra.

Next on our tour of things you can do like a Hobbit is our fuck like a Hobbit department.  For starters who wouldn’t like a little hobbit dick to cuddle up with at night?  The Harder Than a Hobbit’s Dick line of dildos are molded from several famous hobbits who actually stayed in Hobbiton, these tiny, but durable dildos come with a suction cup base, smell vaguely of sausage, and come in green, brown, and tan.  Good for a quick trip to the farmers market or for a long journey a Harder Than a Hobbit’s Dick dildo will never let you down.

Throbbing Hobbit Cock is the world-famous line of vibrators.  They come in two varieties the Fellowship Seven-Speed, and the Ringwraith Nine-Speed.  Waterproof, constructed out of life-like hobbit material, they are soft to the touch like the fur on a hobbit’s foot.  Each Throbbing Hobbit Cock vibrator has a vibrating clitoral stimulator in the shape of Narsil.  Requiring two AA batteries, the twist base is easy to manipulate even when you are in the throes of the One orgasm.

Sometimes even the hardiest of travelers needs a little help and why not get help from The One Ring cock-ring.  This golden cockring really does prove that one size does fit all and The One Ring does rule over them all.  Feel your sword grow larger, girthier, and harder when wearing The One Ring.  As you thrust your way there and back again your lover will appreciate The One Ring as much as you do.

Finally, I present to you the dual threat double-sided dildo Mount Doom and Smaug.  One end is a flaming red dragon’s head belching out a blast of flame to stoke the flames of desire.  The other end is a thick (8″ girth) solid mountain of fire blasting forth to set your loins aflame.  Either end is guaranteed to give you and one other adventurer hours and hours of pleasure as you try quench the fires of a dragon or volcano with your love juices.

Thank you for shopping at the smallest, but largest Hobbit themed store in all of Hobbiton.  Perhaps on your next visit you will visit other departments, such as our hand-crafted leather department.

An Answer For Almost Everyone Answering the ?’s You Search For

30 Nov 2012 2 Comments

by ankoku1331 in Answering the ?s Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Research MonkeyHello, I am your Research Monkey.  Today I present to you an exceptionally long Q&A.  Seems that many of you had questions, issues, and commentary that brought you here.  Despite the length, this is a special Q&A as there are questions and answers for almost everyone that comes to my boss’s blog.  Without further ado, let the Q&A begin.

Sex Toys

How to make a sex swing work

Allow me to suggest that you look here first: Naughty Monkey: Door “Swing.”

What does a sex swing mean for osur relationship

A lot of fun and a hole in your ceiling or door frame.  Mostly a lot of fun.

How to make a pocket pussy

I suggest that if you are looking to make an affordable pocket pussy that you look here: A Very Crafty Answering the ?’s You Are Searching For.

How to make a stroking device with a pocket pussy

I would suggest that unless you have a mechanical engineering degree that you stick to using your hand or someone else’s hand.  However, if you do have a mechanical engineering degree or are feeling very crafty that the Japanese are doing some very interesting things with robotics.

Is it normal for my husband to use his pocket pussy every day

Chaffing issues aside, totally depends upon the sex life that you and your husband have and how satisfied he is with the amount of release that he is getting.  Could be that your husband is just using the pocket pussy for relaxation and stress relief.  I would suggest that you talk to your husband.

How to hide ball gag in public

I suggest a large scarf, although if it is not scarf weather outside this could look suspicious.  You could have the person using the ball gag wear a mask similar to the way that one of your more eccentric celebrities had his children wear masks in public.

What size ball gag to get

I would suggest a ball gag that fits comfortably, but is not to big to cut off breathing, nor too small to accidentally be swallowed or become lodged in the throat.  The straps should be comfortable, adjustable, and for safety reasons be easy to remove, loosen, or undo.

Dildo smiley face

Smiley Face DildoWhile this is not a dildo perse, this does have sexual uses and does have a smiley face on the surface.Dildo Smiley Face

Ducktape penis

My boss says that if he can figure out how to keep the Duck Tape from sticking to his cock and especially his pubic hair that you may see a Duck Tape penis in their Etsy shop.

Kinky Fuckery

Kinky fuckery definition

Allow me to suggest that you start here: Kinky Fuckery and here: Kinky Fuckery II and if you like what you read continue reading my boss’s Kinky Fuckery series of posts.  By the time you have read several of them you should have a much better idea of the definition and what Kinky Fuckery can be.

How to get my husband to participate in kinky fuckery

The answer to this totally depends on what Kinky Fuckery that you want to do and how he feels about said activity.  I suggest that you talk to your husband about what Kinky Fuckery that you want to do.  Communication is always the first thing that you should try and best for the relationship.

Sex

Dragon sex

Sex between dragons, would be fascinating to see.  Sex with a dragon, would be squishy for the smaller person.

I had sex once but I wasn’t really allowed to

Umm…

My wife is in the mood for a naughty tryst

Congratulations.  Hopefully you have talked this through and are both on the same page.

Semi kinky things to do to a guy

This took a little bit to respond to, but if handcuffs are kinky then a semi-kinky thing would be to use only one cuff.

Fully chocolate sex

Miss Research Monkey says that this sound awesome, but messy.

Is there something wrong with people who want kinky sex

No.

Examples of trick fuckery

I am always a fan of the penny behind the ear or is this your card trick right before orgasm.

Ferris state amateur porn

My boss says highly unlikely given that, and this is in his own words, he is living in the land of the sexless on the campus of the perpetual virgin and shamed.

Personal Questions and Issues

im tired

Get some rest.

Itchy vaginal condition in women

See a doctor or medical professional.

Things to ponder

Why a society continues to tolerate behavior that is only harmful to the society as a whole, both short term and long term.

Why basic cooking skills are not mandatory for all people before they leave high school.

Why is sex sold, but violence promoted.

Balls go numd when I fart why

Seek medical attention unless you are attempting to achieve orbit via gas and no longer require the use of your balls.

Friends are mean

Get new friends.

Need to do my laundry for the first time, where do I start

I suggest that you start by making two piles of your dirty clothes.  Pile A consists of anything white or light colored.  Pile B consists of anything black or dark colored.  Miss Research Monkey is glaring at me right now and reminding me that this is why I am not allowed to do the laundry.  I however, maintain that my suggestion is a good start.

I always wear my thongs backwards

My boss calls that the separation of church and state.  Apparently he has named his balls, and wearing a thong backwards gives his ass support and keeps church and state apart.

Running of the bulls clothing

I would suggest tight, form fitting clothing that won’t get caught on a bull’s horn or snagged on passing terrain.  Avoid the color red unless you are trying to hide any bleeding wounds and most of all a great, comfortable pair of running shoes.

Makes My Boss Smile

Rachael Ray nude

See My Secret Desires for why this made my boss smile.

Phylum arthropoda

This made my boss smile because it means that some of his writing about the Nature Study class has found it’s way into someone else’s life.

Cat in can

Cat in Can

Gaming

Naked gamer blue hair

Alas I only know of one blue-haired girl, found here: Blue Hair Makes Me Smile.  I do not know if she is a gamer.  However, if she was I imagine that she would play Halo and be a fan of Cortana.

Food

Should I coat wings or not with batter

This is totally dependent upon whether you want crunchy wings or wings without any crunch.  Batter will give the wings a good crunch and are favorites with my boss’s friends that come over for his wings.  There are times when he is making wings for himself that he forgoes the batter for easy preparation.

And that question concludes another month of search term questions, issues, and comments that you used to find your way here.  I’m off to learn how Miss Research Monkey separates the laundry.

Toy Story: I Fear The Mayan’s May Be Right

24 Nov 2012 2 Comments

by ankoku1331 in BALLS!!!, Sex Thought, Toy Story Tags: , , , , ,

The end of the world is nigh!

Gather your family together and wrap up anything that you thought you may have wanted to do before the end of days!

Today I received a sign that the Mayan prediction for the end of the world could be true and about to happen soon.  Where did I get my sign from you ask?  Why in the mail, how else would one get a sign of the end of the world?  As I tore into my Adam and Eve catalog, a sense of apprehension and even dare say I fear gripped my heart.  Page after page, the signs were there, the end of humanity is at hand.

I don’t care about the math that the Mayan Calendar is such and such off.  I tell you what I witnessed today on page after page tells me that the end of the world is right around the corner.   What else can seeing the same thing time and time again mean?  When the porn industry has run out of ideas the end of humanity cannot be far behind.  Don’t believe me?  I offer up as proof that time and time again the porn industry has been on the cutting edge of human advancement.

  1. Figured out how to make money on the internet first and better.
  2. Figured out what to do with the video cassette recorder first and better.
  3. Figured out what to do with Blu-ray first and better.
  4. Figured out how to turn glass into something that was both decorative and functional that wasn’t a plate.
  5. Figured out how to keep sexually transmitted diseases to an all time low in an industry where you would expect STDs to be flourishing.
  6. Figured out how to make sex mainstream enough that the pitchfork and torch mobs don’t even bother.
  7. Figured out how to get sex into politics.

See porn leads the way, but when porn, our greatest innovator, ceases to innovate what does that mean?  The end of ideas.  The end of mankind.  So unless something radical happens soon, such as cloning, sentient robots, artificial intelligence,  alien contact, or humans leaving the planet we are dead.  I offer up as proof the following:

Nurses 2, Horny Nurses Have The Cure For Your Boner!  Need I say anymore?  Nurse porn has been around forever do we really need a reboot of naughty nurse porn after all how many different ways can you play doctor on camera?

James Deen, Make James Deen Your Vibrating Silicone Stud! or Come Hard On James Deen’s Big Cock!  I don’t know why the real James Dean hasn’t risen from his grave to smite this pretender down, perhaps that will be part of the final days, but how many “real” cocks and pussies modeled off of “real-life” pornstars can you make?  Isn’t the “real” cock from what’s his name from last year or even ten-years ago just as good as this one?

Rhythm “O” Bounding Bunny Vibrator, 90 Wiggly Beads To Please Your Pussy!  Technology has advanced far enough that sexual pleasure has been taken out of our hands and into toys so advanced that an engineering degree is required to make them.  The next step are sex toys that think for themselves and learn, which at that point humanity is obsolete: Cylon Vibrator anyone or Terminator Dildo.

Finally I offer this as proof that the porn industry is out of ideas, the parody:

MIB: Men in Black Parody, Experience Out Of This World Sex With The MIB!  Sweet deity the original MIB is how old now?  2012 – 1997 gets you 15 years (here I do care about the math).  Don’t tell me that they were waiting for technology to catch up to their vision either like Lucas said about why he waited so long to make the new Star Wars films.  The porn industry has run out of ideas, just like the movie industry and is just rehashing old ideas.

There you have it proof that the end of humanity is nigh!  Tack on the demise of the Twinkie and the writing is on the wall.  Pray or whatever it is you do that aliens, clones, artificial intelligence, or sentient robots show up soon because any of those things would give the porn industry something new to innovate and film.

Kinky Fuckery: Primer on Sex Doodles

18 Oct 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Kinky Fuckery, Sex Thought Tags: , , ,

Before I inundate you with my sex doodles* and continuation of the Bondage series, I thought that providing you with a primer to my doodles would be best.   I would rather have photographs, but as I have said before I am trapped in the land of the sexless and people who don’t want to do fun stuff no matter how much I tell them that there faces won’t appear in any photos.  Ah well, one day this will be over and hopefully I will be surrounded by people who like sex, have sex, and like to do fun stuff.  Until then you get my sex doodles, which are fun at parties, even if at times they can be hard to decipher.  To ease that problem I present you with the first ever Kinky Fuckery: Primer on Nathan’s sex doodles.

Female.  This is my doodle of a woman.  She is not anatomically correct or to scale, nor is she what I think a woman should look like.  She is just a doodle that is easy to recognize at a glance.  If there is a second female in any sex doodle, she will have some sort of identifying feature, such as hair.

Male.  This is my doodle of a man.  Notice that he too is not anatomically correct or to scale, nor is he what I think a male should look like. He is just a doodle that is slightly less easy to recognize at a glance.  If there is a second male in any sex doodle, he will have some sort of identifying feature, such as hair.

Bed. This is a bed with pillow from the top down view, end view and side view.  This bed is the primary playground for the doodles.  This is not their only playground, but this will be the one you should become most familiar with.

Pillow. This is a pillow from the top down view and side view.  The pillow is a valuable accessory for sex and sex doodles alike.

Cuffs.  This doodle represents cuffs, does not matter what kind.  The close-up is of a cuff on a doodle hand, but could just as easily be a close-up of a cuff on a doodle foot.  Cuffs that I use in doodles have a ring or other way to connect to other cuffs, straps, and other objects.

Straps.  This is a strap with connector on the end.  Get used to seeing these lines or straps all over bondage doodles.  The close-up is of a strap connected to a cuff on a doodle hand.

Sex Toys. This singular doodle represents most sex toys that I do not have doodles for or do not wish to doodle to keep the doodle sex images less cluttered.

Ball Gag. This doodle is of a ball gag and the close-up doodle is of the ball gag in use, notice the straps.

Blindfold. This is a doodle of a blindfold, not sunglasses.  The close-up doodle is of the blindfold in use, notice the smile.

Flogger. This is not a doodle squid or thing from the Matrix (remember the “thing” put into Neo?), this is a doodle of a flogger.  This could just as easily be a doodle of a whip if you like.

Candle. This is a candle, used for providing light or for candle wax fun.

I hope that this primer will come in handy for all of you as you read through the next few Kinky Fuckery: Bondage for (insert word) posts. Additional doodles will get added as needed. If nothing else perhaps you can use the doodles to express your desires to someone else after all pictures are stronger than words…well some photographer said that.

* All doodles done by me, that way no artist can be held responsible.  :)

Toy Story: Birthday Wishes

09 Oct 2012 Leave a Comment

by ankoku1331 in Sex Thought, Toy Story Tags: , , , , , , ,

This was in the mail today.  See Adam and Eve knows what I want for my birthday.  Are they reading my blog?  Do they know that a threesome, and nudity would tickle me pink?  I don’t know, but what I do know is that the first birthday wish and card-catalog came from them.

Maybe they are reading my blog, Full Bush Amateurs, Eleven Hairy Hotties Get Their Muffs Stuffed!  I do like amateur porn and I am a fan of pubic hair.  Maybe not a Cher wigs worth, still pretty impressive.  A new vibe might be fun, then again when you have anything over four some of the vibes get relegated to the drawer, but Sensual Seductions Vibrator, The Ultimate Earth-Shaking Vibe! does sound interesting, if nothing else for the potential to cause local earthquakes.  Hmmm…I wonder how that would work out for Barb, something to ponder.  Now this is right up my alley, after all I am turning old (er), The Innocence of Youth, Girly Girls Get Wet For Older Guys!  Granted I am not a fan of having to teach to those girly girls how to have sex and I’m not sure that I want to hear, “OMG I’m about to cum!”  Yeah, now that I think about it I will pass.

Hmm…maybe they are taking my age too much into account, I don’t feel the need for a Waterproof Turbo Stroker.  I can still work the arm, even in the shower, although a shower rail to lean against would be nice.  Still, Orgasmic 3-Speed Stroker is Better Than Your Hand, is hard (ha) to pass up.  I wonder if my arms would atrophy if I stopped whacking off, because after whacking off the only other exercise my arms gets is lifting up the remote, picking up food, and playing video games, wait that is my thumbs.  I am in sad shape.  :(

This is looking less good by the page, I have zero interest in a Four Hour Blowjob, even if there are 22 Cock-Hungry Babes giving me Spit-Flying Blowjobs.  Hell that just sounds gross, don’t let the spit fly, keep the spit where it should be.  Four hours, ouch, and would there be bathroom and food breaks?  Something to consider.  What’s worse is the underware, I don’t wear underware, not even The No Fly Zone that will Keep My Business Intact.  I have news for you Adam and Eve, my business is always intact.  I even have two pairs of nut comfortable pants.  I really am getting the feeling that this was less of a personal card-catalog to me and more of another sales pitch.

Well…I forgive you Adam and Eve I was mistaken.  You do get me, we have been looking for a Little Black Thong, Wireless Remote Panty that Buzzes With 10+ Speeds.  Sure I want to know if the + is 11, 12, 13, or warp-speed, but we have been looking for something like this.  I always enjoy a good chuckle and I know that Adam and Eve gets me, Grandma’s A Lesbo, Granny Put Down Her Knittin’ To Pick Up Pussy!  Now that is some funny shit.

Thank you for the birthday wish Adam and Eve.

You may now resume your hysterical blindness from the last Toy Story.

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